Return Trip

I've been quiet too long, I know. I am back. I have a lot to say that will take several postings. This will encompass a brief note of where I've been and my return trip to this blog.

This past week, I've been plagued with doubts. MANY doubts. Who do I think I am claiming I'm Jesus' Sister? Let alone a daughter of the One True God? Who am I to say I am the Bride of the Lamb? What gives me the right to say these heretical things. After all the Church is the Bride, right? Humanity is just clay pots with the Spirit of life blown into us. Right?

Wrong!

While I know these doubts plagued me to the point of silence, I know for certain they were part of an internal battle. Humanity is not mere clay vessels, we only use these bodies to learn and to communicate with others in this world. What we truly are is that which is within and well beyond; we are extension - CHILDREN - of God, like Jesus/Yeshua. We only fail to recognize that. The Church isn't the Bride, it's an establishment to teach and guide where it is necessary. All of God's Children, when we realize who / what we are - collectively - are the Bride. I am both Sister and Bride to Yeshua.

While these doubts persisted, I sat, I sulked, I grew sicker physically. I got headaches and belly-aches, nausea and diarrhea. I was a real b__ - err- not nice company to be around. I prayed though it all; and prayers gave me bright moments of Peace in the chaos of my mind.

On Thursday afternoon, I went home early from work; it was the one afternoon all week when no one else was in the apartment. I got down on my knees, bowed low face to the floor and covered my face: PRAYING for help. Then I did something that anyone there would have thought was a sign I lost my mind completely. I started talking out loud - to God and to Yeshua.

Some were prayers, some were "reasonable" pleading and bargaining. Yet, somehow, it really helped. Hearing my voice in a silent, empty room... helped. I could hear with these ears the words clearly stating that I know I am NOT alone. That Yeshua is there with me. That He does hear me, even when I don't hear Him. That He loves me; that He cares for me. That I love Him so very much.

There were also soul-wrenching admissions of how scared I was, lost within the miasma of doubts swirling in my mind, blocking me from understanding. I felt as thought to accept that which part of me KNOWS is true would be to condemn my very soul. That Yeshua would meet me at my judgment and say, "I never knew you." That I was being misled, by the adversary, by my own mind, by my petty need to be someone special to God and Yeshua. Things the Church has ingrained in my mind for countless years of my life. I was caught with the single burning argument, If I am special to God, where are the signs? 

That was a slap-in-the-face doubt thrown up in my mind: Yeshua had signs and wonders testifying who He was. What do I have? At that moment, I could not pull one from my mind - it was empty. I wept even more miserable. Asking over and over and over - "why? why? why is there nothing for me? why? why? why do I need there to be? why do I need something I can see with these eyes? why do I need something I can hear with these ears? why? why do I need the world to witness who and what I am? why? Christ had a dove and the Father's voice! Moses had a burning bush! Mary had an angel! Joseph had dreams! Why not me?!?"

"Me?"

"Me! ME! ME-ME-ME!" Wait -a-minute! Doesn't the ego go "Me-Me-Me"? I realized after the rant where all this doubt and questions were coming from. The ego. It wanted self-proclamation. It wanted witnesses from this world - the only world it knows - to testify to others how special it is. It wants to be greater than the rest.

That is not what the Bride is. That is not what I AM.

*Sigh*

Curled into a sodden, snuffling ball of misery, my final words out loud were to my dear Brother, barely a whisper. "I will go through this, Yeshua. I love you dearly and I know you are here with me now. I will go through this and I will GET through this - for you. You are far more important than anything else I want in this world. I love you so much. I give this all to you. For you. Please help me through this."

My emotions quieted down, and a beautiful Peace descended on my mind, heart and soul. Within an hour, I was on my other blog (my "public" blog, I guess) and I started writing. I updated and shared Christmas stories I had written. The next day, I added a couple of commentaries, a "letter" and my own insight. These were the fist posts on that blog since the start of November. I was sharing there again.

The wall of silence was crumbling.

Yesterday, I spent over eight hours on Twitter, responding to others and "singing," as I call my tweets, at times. I had been silent there since Thanksgiving Day (US).

This morning, I started posting to this blog again. Peace continues and Joy swells in my heart as I write. I cannot easily describe the joy I feel, but I end up laughing as a young preschooler with simple delight. Drag me away from what I am doing at the time and I will scowl and sulk like a preschooler too - LoL. But that is something I need to work on too.

For now, I am back on the path I need to be.