Fading Forgiveness

Today the wife of the friend I mentioned in the "Dear John" blogpost emailed me a couple of times. While I considered her both a friend and sister before she walked out on her husband, I became merely "civil" toward her afterwards. I had seen two other women do the same thing to another friend and my little brother, leaving them broken-hearted and sobbing. I was seeing it a third time, and it was still painful to watch.

However, she's also my sister and I hold a responsibility to extend forgiveness to all. It's not just a calling, it's a part of who and what I am. When I don't forgive, I am denying a part of myself.
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There exists times when I waver in that responsibility.

Today, I was genuinely happy to hear from her; she was a willing ear to listen if I wanted to talk about tomorrow's procedure, the book I am working on or anything else. My fingers had typed many a sentence that was deleted before the email was sent.
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I remained "civil."

And distant.
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Part of what held me back was that I followed this world again. Instead of keeping her past actions in the past, I brought them to the forefront of my mind and let them block a connection with a sister. I kept thinking, "What would this guy think of me if I started acting friendly toward the wife that walked out on him? It's been less than 24 hours after he cut me off. I would be seen as one running toward the enemy in his mind."

I am not so foolish to believe that she wasn't aware of the termination of friendship; they have mutual friends that have been keeping each apprised of the other. She likely heard about it and was reaching out to me, knowing that I felt stung.
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I was merely "nice" and kept most of my emotions and thoughts close without giving her anything save a mention of my cystoscopy appointment tomorrow. I wanted to manipulate the situation so word got back to the guy, letting him know that he not only cast out someone that was a good friend but did it while she was sick! Let's face it; women do this kind of thing, even if subconsciously.

*Sigh*
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That is really not me. That's the ego! That's the little part that thinks it's me and tries to play this world's games. In all honestly, why should I care what someone thinks - especially when he just declared I am no longer his friend? I only cared because I still feel the need to play a certain role in this life, wear the mask a little longer, to play the game.

I cannot afford to do that anymore.
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I really can't.

Time is catching up and I am too aware of who I really am. I need to stop these egotistical games. I need to stop caring what other people think about my thoughts and actions and really be who I AM.
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There are three things I know for certain that I need to do here.

1. Love others unconditionally
2. Forgive others wholeheartedly
3. Erase lines humanity draws, dividing themselves apart

By my own actions, I am failing at all three of these tasks. My Brother is very likely ashamed of me when I act thus! I dread hearing the words, "I am disappointed in you" when they come from Him. Yet I continue to act as though the words and opinions of lesser-knowledgeable people matter more to me.
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Why?!?
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I need to stop. NOW! Tonight! Thus I end this stupidity and cast my mask underfoot - like a gauntlet. The challenge is issued. I go to meet it with my head high. I can do better! I WILL do better.

I am who I am called to be and one day Yeshua / Jesus will be proud of me.