I wanted to clarify what goes through my mind when I envision nailing pain and/or fear to the cross. I picture a cross - just the wood, sometimes with nails but no body. Having a good imagination, I can easily envision the details of this cross: the grain of the wood, the splinters that jut up because it was quickly hewn and unsanded.Then I mentally throw any pain and fear at this vision.
The cross itself actually bleeds in my mind. A dark red blood wells to the surface and flows down from the wood, dripping from the cross piece or runs down the main pole. Grizly, gruesome. But the pain leaves me the moment I see the blood on the cross.
I really don't understand it.
Late yesterday evening, my mind wondered if I was hurting my Brother with this. That is the last thing I wanted to do! That was doubt bubbling up from the ego, trying to raise fear. I pushed that stray thought aside with a curt answer of, He has done that for us all and what I do is only accept His gift. A blessing.
In my mind, I saw the cross starting to bleed again, but I also had the impression I was holding someone in my arms while I looked over a shoulder at the cross a few feet away. The person in my arms was hurting and tired, the body draped limply in my strong arms, and I felt my back and shoulder muscles tighten as I kept the person from falling to the ground.
Was I holding Christ?
I really don't know for certain, but that is what my heart wants to believe. Somehow I helped my Brother a brief moment, bringing a brief moment of respite. Could it have been another - a sister or brother - who was feeling a great deal of pain and needed help? Maybe. But in all honesty, I don't know.
When I used the toilet paper right after that moment, though, there was bright red blood staining the tissue. My blood. All other times, there was neither the mental image of holding a body nor the blood corporeal, just the image of the cross and the relief from pain.
When I used the toilet paper right after that moment, though, there was bright red blood staining the tissue. My blood. All other times, there was neither the mental image of holding a body nor the blood corporeal, just the image of the cross and the relief from pain.
I really don't understand; that is why I blog - trying to figure all this out...
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