Fighting Darkness Within

I just came from another lesson. While some may think this is just a dream, I have learned to recognize the difference. 

First, I realize I am dreaming.

Second, while there are things in dreams that seem "weird" or "not quite right" when observed while we were not dreaming, our dream-self accepts it as normal. In these, one or more of the senses (sight, sound, touch, taste, scent, awareness) detects something is different.

Third, these dreams always take place where the body is sleeping, whether  my familiar bedroom, another room, another home, a hotel room, a camp site, etc. Often the dream starts as "waking up" in the middle of the night.

Alice stepped through the looking glass.

While I won't go into details of this particular dream, I do want to cover some common elements and steps I've learned while in these lessons.

We're not in Kansas anymore...

I recognize something is not quite right with the reality around me. This frightens; that's its purpose. When I first started these lessons, I became so petrified and trapped at this point. But I have since learned what must be done to escape.

There is no escape

Waking up (escape) isn't as easy as normal dreams. There are dreams I realize I am dreaming and can just wake myself up by willing it. This I can do on my own.

In these lessons, I cannot.

Even if I take some of these steps, or do them halfheartedly, I wake up into another of these dreams. Like walking through a door from one room only to find another room just like it instead of an exit.

Fighting the fear

Fear is tremendous, but I only go completely witless if I let myself. There is a stronger Will within us. Fear manifests all sorts of weird, frightening things that change from dream-to-dream. But they are all strange, frightening, and with an overwhelming fear that it will attack and hurt you - sometimes it does.

Never alone

If there are others sleeping in the same room as my body, they may appear sleeping in my dream, unable to help me. If I reach out to them and try to wake them, it will not work.

But I am not alone; God is there - always.

Even if the dream-state is too frightening to recall this tidbit. God IS there - even when I don't think it. For we are never separated from God, even in the darkest corners of our mind.

Power of His Name

Yeshua (Jesus) can be called into the dream too, just by thinking of Him and believing He will be there.

If fear is takes my mind beyond reason, I find power in Christ's name, whether I use Jesus, Yeshua, Yehoshua, Joshua, etc. Whatever name is written in a heart will do. Even if my mouth does not seem to work or my tongue utters these unintelligible sounds - I SHOUT the name in my mind.

His Presence comes into my mind, even if I don't see Him in the dream.

He is there - for real.

I realize this name isn't the step for everyone, and that a name from any relationship a person has with God (for example, YHWH) will apply here.

YOU can NEVER escape this

This is the hardest part of the lesson to learn. I need to realize I am trapped in this lesson and there is NOTHING I can do to get out of it. Nothing.

But I am also not alone. God can get me out.

This requires a very great amount of effort to humble myself, step away from my pride, my will, my belief that I can take care of myself. I must become like a little child - completely dependent on our Parent. I ask God for help - THIS is the only way out. All those other rooms are the same nightmare.

Prayer is a Shield

I simply pray a prayer (mantra also works) I know by heart - from my heart. Often my mind can become paralyzed with fear, but there's a part that will be the calm in the storm.

If I cannot reach this safe harbor, just calling out "God, help me!" works. A "please" is of great benefit too.

Just repeating the words over and over WILL establish calm, and help me get to the other steps.

Turn away from the Darkness

I will warn my readers of one thing all past lessons like this have taught me: There is a strong temptation NOT to pray. There's an overwhelming sense / sensation / understanding that when I turn my focus away from whatever it is I fear, I will be attacked. The temptation is to focus full attention on the attacker - NOT on the One who can save. While this seems allegorical, it is very real as well.

In praying, I don't have to kneel, bow or position my body in any particular way, as long as my mind bows to God's Will. But this requires I turn my attention completely to God. Closing my eyes seems to help, though the weird noises and other senses are very much alive; I'm aware of something ready to attack me.

Resist that temptation; risk the injury. I will not say it will not hurt. In fact, I sometimes have residual aches from it afterwards. But it fades once I realize I am free. I become far stronger when I turn away from fear- to God.

This is the hardest part.

God does the rest

Whatever is about to attack me, may or may not. Once my attention is completely on God, humbly asking for help, knowing there is nothing I can do about it, God does the rest. I am wrapped safely in God's Hands and brought from this darkness.

I am freed.

Practice, practice, practice!

Over years, I've learned practice makes perfect - or at least better. I pass through these steps much more quickly now, knowing the steps instinctively.

I also understand that I may not be freed right away. This leads to doubt and the temptation to turn my attention away from God and back toward the fear. The longer I cling to God, the stronger I become.

More than a dream

These lessons are part of my journey home. There are some dark things in the corners of my soul, and God helps me clear these out. Sometimes, though, I am asked to face these dark corners myself. I don't see what is really lurking in them, at first, for I only see the manifestations - the weird things of these dreams. It's only after I wrestle my focus away from this darkness, that I am free, able to look into that dark corner and realize... I don't want it anymore.

Take this as spiritual or psychological - it works either way.

Take it on the road

The lessons I learns though this can be applied in my waking life too. All of it. There is so much in my life I dread, worry about... fear. Yet, I still insist on tackling these, by myself.

Remembering the steps; we all will be free.

Row, row,

Row your boat

Gently down the stream

Merrily, merrily,

Merrily, merrily

Life is but a dream.

Meditation - Day 3

Today, I meditated at the office right after lunch. I sat on the floor where I could gave out the window to see the sky easily. A gentle warm breeze flowed through the screened window.

Instead of words, I focused on my breath for about seven minutes. With each inhale, I felt calmer, stronger, and the cares of the day slid out of my mind.

I felt guided to open both hands wide; one held my thoughts of the past, and the other thoughts of the future. I let them both go and just lived - even for a short spell - completely in the present moment.

Looking around right after the meditation, it seemed like I was seeing it all for the first time again, like the sensation one has with a new set of glasses when they didn't realize their eyes were that bad...

Positive Focus

I realized, the more I read the negative blogs, tweets, comments and news, the more bitter, negative and snappish I become.

I need to stop feeding my mind with the negative and focus on the positive.

 

There is much good in this world; I can help it shine!

Meditation - Day 2

I attempted the second day of meditation after I got home late from work today. I was quite tired. As my husband changed for dinner, I settled in a patch of sunshine, leaning up against my bedroll and hugged a pillow.

I followed the pattern of which I read yesterday, where I focus on the word "Acceptance" on the inhale, "Compassion" on the exhale, and "Peace" at the rest.

I felt the Peace, yet my mind still felt irked with irritated thoughts. I reached out, and...

...fell asleep. My husband woke me for dinner.

Back-to-School?

Some things combined make me wonder if I am being led into a new step. I hope my readers pardon the sidetrack as I jot a few things down, in case I want a reference.

On the cusp of sleep last night, I was told starting today my eyes would truly begin to open - just a sliver of light, but a start.

This morning, I saw on a friend's blog a virtual reading. On a lark, I thought, Why not? The selected card read, "This is the time to release all your past ideals that no longer serve you. If you have been doing inner work, this card represents its completion and a shift into the new. If you are just beginning, this card represents it is time to begin your inner work."

Shortly thereafter, I was poking around online and, half-listening to the radio, heard a mention about a seminary. Growing up Catholic, seminary studies were restricted to men who wanted to go into the priesthood, never an option for a female like myself. But women participate in similar roles in other religions, including several Christian ones. 

A nearby seminary has interfaith studies in an atmosphere of acceptance and interconnected studies of the Divine. That appealed to me right away. Despite the high costs and doubt my husband will agree with our extremely tight budget, I submitted a request for more information to be mailed to me for next Spring session.

Right after that, I went to get myself a cup of tea. (A hot mug in hand helps get me back in work-mode.) While I boiled water in the microwave and took my mug and tea out of the cabinet, I let my mind ponder the questions: Am I really serious about getting a degree from a Seminary? Is this what God wants in my life?

Immediately, I was overwhelmed by something that suddenly left me laughing, crying and hugging myself all at the same time. There was a sudden lift in my mind and soul. I had felt it before and still have not been able to identify it. It wasn't a mood swing from menopause; I've had many of those before too. This was completely different.

There was intense joy - nearly painful yet intoxicating. There were tears, but not from sadness or fear, just movement-of-the-Spirit tears. All within a sudden rush of ... something. I felt... hugged.

What was it?

Was it an answer to my question?

What does it mean?

There was not any certain affirmative or negative I've gotten before. This was... different.

And leaves me grasping for answers at this time.

As I walked back to my office, still wondering, tea in hand, I picked up the mail. Within the mail were not one but two letters from prison correspondence that I do. This could be coincidental or connected.

I wish I knew for certain...

Meditation - Day 1

Last week, I learned how to set up "RSS feed" to follow a series of blogs, including those I cannot "follow" directly from my own blog website. One of the bookmarks I added was Jodi Chapman's Soul Speak, for I had bookmarked her post starting a Month of Meditation. I wanted to join in May with the rest, but things got in the way starting day one.

Something in me knew now was time for me to start the challenge. Friday, I wondered how I should start it, but I seemed to know that night I would start it Sunday (today). In fact, this morning's response to another blog and earlier posts are a strong indication there's a lot of negativity just below the surface.

After re-reading Jodi's blogpost, I sat quietly on the floor and tried to meditate. There were several things to blot out, as I strived to quiet my mind: cars driving by outside, the sounds from my computer as I waited for a friend's radio broadcast to start, the small child in the overhead apartment stomping around, and my own noisy thoughts.

But in the one - maybe one-and-a-half minutes - I gave it today, I was able to focus on my breathing, calm my mind and open my heart. I found my mind reached out in a double-set of prayers to the Trinity with words on its own. "Help guide me, Father. Please, God, guide me. // Help guide me, Lord. Please, Brother, guide me. // Help guide me, Spirit. Please, Eternal Guide, help me."

I felt calm. I felt energized. In fact, it seemed like there was a great deal of energy coursing all through my body, pouring into my head and heart and streaming out of my palms and bottom of my feet. I felt happy, and quite motivated to get up and do something. Yet not "antsy."

At that moment, my friend's radio broadcast had started, and time for meditation was done. But the inner peace and joy is still with me.

I then read other's posts on how their first day of meditation went. There were many good suggestions, but one really appealed to me; I will try this tomorrow. On the inhale, think the word "Acceptance." On the exhale, think the word "Compassion." In the pause between, think the word "Rest." Though, I may substitute the word "Rest" for "Peace."

We'll see what tomorrow brings. :D

Jealousy Bug

This morning, I was bitten by the jealousy bug. I swung by Twitter, where I saw several group responses (including my username), and worked my way down to the initial tweet. It was a blogpost, for which my name was included in a previous request.

Someone got others around the world to pray for America for a two-week session. Each day he posts something of prayer. Friday, he tweets to this group: "if God leads 2 a Prayer focus for this, Let me know and I will add it to the 14 Day prayer blog and you will get the mention. I need Prayer Focus/Bible verse too"

There is a lot of hatred and animosity over several differences of opinion in the US; it jumps to a new intensity within election season. Last time, someone was shot - literally - over it. So, as we are praying for America, its leaders, voters and people in general, my focus has been on establishing more Peace, forgiveness and compassion for each other. I want to erase all the hatred and dividing lines, helping others to see each other as sisters and brothers.

So, I gathered several bible passages that seemed to embody this sentiment of my soul. I sent a DM (Twitter direct message) to him and members of the group: Prayer focus 4 me:Mark 11:25~Luke 6:42~1 Cor 13:13~Numbers 14:19-20~Isaiah 43:25~Matt 6: 9-15~Luke 11:1-4~Hebrews 10:15-18 (sorry no rhyme)

While intention may have seemed clear to me at the time, I must admit in hindsight that it's a bit vague and may even appear accusatory. There was no direct correlation with the request above, just a string of bible passages.

Mark 11:25 - But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.

Luke 6:42 -  How can you think of saying, 'Friend, let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,' when you can't see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend's eye.

1 Corinthians 13:13 - Three things will last forever--faith, hope, and love--and the greatest of these is love.

Numbers 14:19-20 - "In accordance with your great love, forgive the sin of these people, just as you have pardoned them from the time they left Egypt until now.” The Lord replied, “I have forgiven them, as you asked."

Isaiah 43:25 - I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.

Matt 6: 9-15 - "This, then, is how you should pray: 'Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today your daily bread. Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.' For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."

Luke 11:1-4 - One day Jesus was praying in a certain place. When he finished, one of his disciples said to him, "Lord, teach us to pray, just as John taught his disciples." He said to them, "When you pray, say: "'Father, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come. Give us each day our daily bread. Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us. And lead us not into temptation.'"

Hebrews 10:15-18 - The Holy Spirit also testifies to us about this. First he says: "This is the covenant I will make with them after that time, says the Lord. I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will write them on their minds." Then he adds: "Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more." And where these have been forgiven, there is no longer any sacrifice for sin.

So, reading the blog post this morning, I discovered a good introduction how there are people as far as South Africa praying for America these two weeks. There are several quoted prayers, but my ego had - by then - taken the reigns. I scrolled rapidly down the page, looking for my username. When I discovered it wasn't there, I became outraged, jealous that other names were there and that my own input had been seemingly ignored completely.

WHO DO I THINK I AM???

First, anything and EVERYTHING I do and say, especially under the username @JesusSister should be for God's glory ALONE! Second, I was the one clearly in error for I never elaborated on the prayer intent, just callously rattled off bible verses and assumed the recipient would read my mind. Third, I never read the rest of that blogpost, or their prayers and intentions, but was focused solely on seeing if the spotlight fell onto my own name. I had become so wrapped up in myself. Me, me, ME!

How our proper priorities change and our world crumbles when we let the ego out to play.

I am ashamed...

Not-so-Holy Words

In my studies, I've learned God is well beyond human understanding. While I will never know what thoughts and plans crosses God's mind from well beyond space and time, I still ponder things...

I am sure I am not the only one who reads through the bible and wonders how the God of the Hebrews, YHWH, be the same loving, forgiving Father of whom Christs speaks so devotedly. If God loves everyone, why did hundreds of thousands die in wars because God of the Israelites wanted it so? How could such a loving Father kill every first born child of the Egyptians? To make a point?

My English literature degree helps me see that EVERYTHING is written by an author's perspective. None of the holy books are a word-by-word quote from God. In fact, the only item possibly written directly by God (see Exodus) are the two tablets upon which the 10 commandments are written. Everything else was written by the hands of mankind, and should be taken with a grain of salt.

Have you ever read the "history" of the American Revolution from both the British and American sides? They are two different stories, even if the facts are the same. If you look close enough, you will see those American colonists were - quite literally - TERRORISTS! Yet, in the American history books, they were heroes...

In the Old Testament, we only see the events from the Jewish perspective. The testimony is skewed to favor them. What would a different perspective reveal?

Take for example the major events leading to the Passover exodus. To the Jews, they wanted to see God punish their oppressors in Egypt, thus the events were recorded from this perspective. What if we stand the event on its head and take a look from a new perspective. The river waters had run red (contaminated), frogs escaping the river died on the land, locus and flies followed... In the natural order of things, disaster-followed-disaster. Ancient people did not understand health, bacteria and viruses to the degree we understand today. We do know of fast moving illnesses that take only a section of our population (ie, young, elderly, or - in the case of the 1918 flu - only people in their prime). What if the prior disasters led to an outbreak of illness or contamination in the water supply?

What if if the true miracle was that God protected the Jews from that which, in natural course of events, attacked the others residing in Egypt? That, at least, would show Love and Mercy of which Christ speaks.

Perhaps the illness the hit Egypt that night was food-borne. The Israelites were instructed to slaughter lambs, sprinkle the blood and eat the meat (not any other). Through this, God could have led them away from the disaster that hit the region.

Again, I don't know anything for certain, but it leads me to wonder what else I may see though a different perspective. One thing I've found for certain, story after story... No matter how many times the Isrealites have turned from God, God has been ever-faithful to His side of the covenant made with Abraham. And God does forgive past transgressions...

Christ presented a new Covenant in His teachings. Two rules - not several books of them, both Old Testament and religious dogma of today. Love God; Love each other. In the covenent, we are called to forgive each other's mistakes ("sins") and own own transgressions will be forgiven. Simple and pure. If God is ever-faithful to promises in the Old Testament, I have no doubt Christ is too.

Shoulder

The last few weeks, I've gone through physical pain, emotional pain, and several rounds where doubts and fears overwhelm me like tidal flow to a new swimmer. But in all this, I know I haven't been alone. All I need do is swallow my stupid pride, admit I need help and reach out... 

 

Our big Brother, Yeshua (Jesus), has been very helpful in getting Peace back into my head and heart, creating a small still haven where even physical pain fades. When I reach out, there's an exercise He taught me. 

Our minds are capable of far more than we realize, even times when we feel helpless in doubt, fear and/or pain. But we never loose the capability and can be guided in how to use it. 

The exercise is one of mental projection, meditation and/or positive (rather than negative) use of imagination. We all can use imagination negatively, focusing on fears, worries, pain, etc. These thoughts actually affect our physical body (heart rate, breathing, blood pressure, and so on). 

While the image can differ from person-to-person, my positive image is simply being a little girl held in Yeshua's embrace. There I am safe. There is no need to fear. There is no need to doubt. There is no need to worry. Yeshua is also a well-known healer. Held in His embrace, physical pain can and does subside. 

So now, when I reach that point where I realize I think independently - that I've wandered into a place of pain, fear and doubt - I need to acknowledge I cannot overcome anything by myself. I need help. I need to set aside my ego. I need to reach out. 

When I reach out, I get the response, "Think of my shoulder. Rest your head there, little sister. All will be well. You are safe." I've done this a number of times since the initial exercise. Without fail, it works. 

There is Peace in my heart and mind. Pain subsides. I am surrounded by Love. 

This is something I wish everyone could experience in this world. It is a Blessing beyond description. All I have is humble words to share and hope that readers will likewise, set aside their struggles and reach out...

Grudge Begone

I know it's been quite a while since I've written; no excuses would suffice. Today's action is a fitting point for a fresh new start here too.

There was a person with whom I quickly become very good friends online. We helped each other through many troubles in our respective lives. We contacted each other several times daily via chat, email or text messages, discussing everything. Then starting last summer, he started to pull away - becoming silent for long stretches at a time.

I always tried to keep the door open, but I couldn't help but feel snubbed. I kept telling myself that he was going through a rough time, including a marriage that may be ending. So I keep a smile plastered over my face, even when I didn't feel it in my heart. This person was going though pain; my own pain didn't matter. I was a friend who was called to help him, after all.

In the fall, the person moved to another apartment and texted me the new address. With my low-end cell phone's limitations, including storage, the address was quickly auto-deleted by the phone. When I was writing out my Christmas cards in November, I emailed this person asking for the new address, explaining it was deleted by my cell. The response I received appeared to be a BCC copy of an email sent to other friends of his, asking for their opinion: Should he tell me that I'm a irksome bother and should go away, or be forgiving and give me the new address?

At that time, I was going through a lot of pain: mental and emotional as well as physical. I also had very little sleep; the intense IC/PBS pain woke me several times at night. Needless to say, this snide remark was enough to tip my balance from nice to nasty despite the Christmas Season. I sent a response via text, "I rescind my request. Have a Merry Christmas." His immediate response was "NEVER SMS ME AGAIN!!!"

Clearly, we hurt each other. My husband pointed out that he may not realize he copied me on the email and was upset by the unprovoked text. Still smoldering over it; I responded to the e-mail, "I received your text message; I will not text or email you again."

We haven't communicated since. He moved on to other things, and so did I.

But over the months, the parting blows smoldered in the back of my mind. I've prayed about it too, feeling quite hurt and betrayed by the treatment, but also wanting to forgive and let it go...

Today I believe I was ... prodded ... into action. I kept saying to myself, "I forgive him. I forgive him." Sometimes I'd believe it sincerely, but at other times, especially when I am grumpy with pain or sleeplessness, the bitterness that bubbles under the surface rises back into my awareness.

I needed to do a bit more...  outward. I emailed him today, a few minutes before typing this blog post.

In a very short note, I stated that I realized my last words to him was nasty. While I had been in a lot of pain at the time, it was no excuse. I told him that I understood we'd no longer talk and share as we had; it is in the past. I asked that, at some point, he will come to forgive any hurt my words caused him, as I have forgiven.

I don't know if I'll get a response; I told him a response was not necessary. I may even get a nasty response saying I don't deserve forgiveness. But it was a risk I had to take.

I think some part of me deep inside realized the whole concept of forgiveness.

I know that I need to forgive in order to be forgiven. Sometimes, though, we need to ask for the forgiveness, in order to enable ourselves to truly forgive.

This way, we are both free.