Cystoscopy

With painful urination and lower abdominal pain months following my full hysterectomy, I've started seeing a specialist after several attempts to kill a UTI with antibiotics have resulted in no changes. This Friday I go in for ultrasound and cystoscopy. I read about cystoscopies in detail this morning. When it starts out with measurements of "the diameter of a pencil" and goes up from there, it's a bit disconcerting.

I guess I should be honest here - I AM AFRAID. It's actually hard for me to type those words. I can still be a bit prideful in my pain tolerance. My cramps during menstrual periods have been equated two "second stage labor" where my uterine walls have torn (not just shedding the build-up). After 26 years of that on a monthly basis, I've built up a pain tolerance where I now get my teeth drilled without Novocaine. That's fillings - not root canal - I am not a masochist. I actually don't enjoy pain at all. But I seem to be able to tolerate it to some degree.

When I do have pain for a prolonged period of time, I go to the doctor. I deny them the "easy out" of treating the pain with medication and make them focus on root cause for the pain. I would rather get to the solution rather than "be comfortable." NOT knowing what is wrong scares me.

Even the word "cancer" isn't as scary as the unknown. My family has survived many different kinds of cancer- breast, colon, thyroid, cervical, skin, prostrate, etc. We're a stubborn lot; it has not killed any of us in generations. Granted, other things do, but I do not fear death. I fear the unknown. To me, death is not an unknown. Medical conditions of this body when I don't know what is causing me pain... does scare me.

I will admit that physical pain also frightens me. Not while I experience it, but when I have time to think about it and look forward to it - dread it ... Then pain looms larger in my mind than it actually is. It's amazing what the imagination can do to the psyche. 

I know I can get through this pain, I understand that scaring in my urethra will make the cystoscopy quite painful. I also know - from plenty of prior experiences - that as long as I relax and move my mind away from that area of the body during the procedure, it will hurt a heck of a lot less. But fear of the pain, causes my muscles to clench, clamping down on the urethral tube, hurting it now - days before the procedure will even begin.

When I was 18 months old, back in 1971, my urethra closed and had to be surgically reopened. They had nothing like they do today. There are many scars in the urethra. There are psychological scars too. From that point until I was 16 years old, I had to go to a urologist every 6 months to have the urethra manually "stretched/reopened". It HURT! It hurts a lot more for a child who doesn't understand anything that is going on except that it will hurt - a lot. And fear makes one tense up, causing more pain, which in turn causes more psychological fear when one has to repeat that procedure in six months. I can tell you: the lollypop afterwards didn't help the pain I had for days after each visit.

Talking about it in the blog does help some; I guess that is a benefit of sharing.

I also keep thinking about how Yeshua / Jesus faced His fear. He prayed. One can argue that He faced a LOT more pain at the time, but that is no excuse not to pray. The only reason I can think for not praying is pride. I try to take the burden on my shoulders by myself - even when I don't have to.

Many forgot how very HUMAN my Brother was when He corporeally lived among us. The same psychological fear and dread played upon His mind. Did it make it worse for Him too? Did His muscles clench even before the first lash or the first touch of cool steel of the nail? Did that make it hurt more? Or was He able to summon enough calmness of mind - some Peace from God - that helped Him to relax His body just before the pain hits? Was He able in some way to move His mind away from the pain - even for a brief moment?

What was it like for Him to completely trust God to the degree He did? I am His sister, as we all are his brothers and sisters. Can I trust God as completely? Can I focus on God and forget the fear?

I know I will still face pain and the unknown; it is part of life here. But by casting off fear, it will lessen pain. I believe trusting God does this. Can my faith be as strong as His?...