Blinding Fear

It's amazing how much fear plays a part in my decisions. I thought I was brave. Though others have mentioned my courage, there is still a great deal of fear...

...including how I perceive what others may think about me.

Yes, "perceive." I really don't know the future. Nor do I truly understand what others think about me now. I just have this overwhelming sense that I will make a fool of myself - again. I will be humiliated - again. That I will be rejected - again.

The scars of the outcast child are still with me decades later.

But that is part of what I am to learn here, including this blog. I am to learn that what others think of me does not really matter and should not play a part in the decisions I make. More, what I perceive what others may think of me doesn't matter either; in fact, that is nothing more than a fear with no foundation. It doesn't exist.

Yet for a long time I have let it guide my decisions. Even during times when I knew with certainty what I was being guided by the Spirit to do, I held back. Afraid. Trembling. Yes, literally trembling with fear. Why? Because I focused on what I believed others would think of me. It paralyzed me.

And yet, it doesn't even exist...

Pretty foolish when I really think about it logically. But that is the truth of the matter. A fear based on something that doesn't exist has stopped me from sharing wonders and blessings with the world.

It has stopped me from being happy too, for it's in that sharing where my joy lies.

There is one thing I have been observing over the last few days. Emotions tell a larger story. If I am sad, lonely, depressed, fearful, trepidatious, anxious or uneasy about something, I really - sincerely - need to look at my thoughts. Something is wrong.

When I am doing what God wants me to do, I am happy, or at least am at peace. When I find that I am doing something that I believe God wants me to do, but it's not, I will experience the symptoms listed in the paragraph above. But when I follow my Guide, even when I find myself doing something contrary to what I believe God wants me to do (such as getting rest for a healing body instead of scrubbing the bathroom tiles or tweeting), if there is Peace or Joy, it is truly what God wants of me at that moment.

It's the "at that moment" part that is so critical. Too often I look ahead, look into the past, or even spend time in my mind imagining what I will say or do in a certain situation, even when there's no possibility of that situation ever happening! As an outcast, I had no where to go but inside my mind.

Now I need to look outside; I need to connect with others and - most importantly - live in the moment. Now. Not the past; not the future. Now!

It is only in the present that the Spirit can guide us. If I am too busy looking at the future or the past, I will miss the cues with which I am blessed. I may not even notice them disappearing, like the soft fluttering of dove's wings on a busy city street.