Step-by-Step

Today's blog-post is one of those thinking aloud ones. While I've gone silent on Twitter the last few days, it's because my mode has switched back to finishing the book I promised Spreading Joy Corp. and have started the house-hunt (again). But there is another reason too... a sadness within I cannot seem to shake.

Mother's day had left a few cuts that still sting, especially as I wanted to be a mother desperately but never can be. A friend sent me numerous tweets referencing his blog-posts revolving around the theme of mothers. Someone else sent me a beautiful e-card mentioning how mothers hold a special place in God's heart.

What about those who aren't mothers?

While I believe many of the bible miracles, I still argue that both Sarah and Mary had the equipment necessary to have a child. If I get pregnant following a complete hysterectomy, it would truly be a modern-day miracle. :P

Adoption too, is far beyond my reach financially, as we cannot afford the $30,000 to $50,000 per child. Even if I go through DCF (as we tried to do) we need a home larger than one we can afford in my state. Now with my husband turning 55 tomorrow, another door closes on adoption because we're older than "ideal" age parents. :*(

So the past week was a bit of an emotional drain, but there seems to be a sadness beyond just the holiday and its reminder.

I've learned things,  and seem to have advanced in realigning my thoughts. I've gone through period of extreme doubt, fear... even physical pain when I wrestled with things mentally and emotionally. There was even a topsy-turvy period where I wasn't sure which way I was going and I felt lost, like a penny spun on its edge.

Now there is Peace (with a capital P). There is a whole new sense of awareness of who I am. That I am safe in God's hand. But I can't seem to shake the sadness.

Is the sadness from looking at my brothers and sisters and seeing that some just don't get it, that they are still too focused on the petty things of this world? Is it because I am one of those people still? Yes, still!

Last weekend I found myself whining that I couldn't afford those smart phones to scan the square at a Taco Bell restaurant to get a chance to win an iPad that I couldn't afford either. I b*tched that it wasn't fair that those WITH technology could afford to get even more technology and those of us who cannot afford either are shafted. I was tired and, admittedly, quite vocal about this. I'm sure everyone in the restaurant heard me, not just my husband...

Instead I should have been grateful that I was able to afford the meal that cost $5.00. There are many, MANY who can't afford that - let alone the latest and greatest technology. What is WRONG with me??? :*(

Two steps forward - one step back...

Right now, it feels like I'm in a place between two steps - or two doors if that analogy fits better.

Behind me is the times when I was sad, struggling completely alone and feeling unloved. There was a great deal of pain, fear, hatred, anger... self-loathing. (And I thought menopause was bad.)

Ahead, there is a place where Love immerses the soul so completely that there is nothing but Joy. I know it's there - this is more than just a matter of Faith at this point. It's just beyond my reach. I am not wrapped in its embrace - or to be more accurate, my perception does not enable me to experience the embrace the way I should. But I can feel it there.

It's like the breath in my lungs. It's all around me. It's inside me. It's beyond my perception. It supports me. It brings me life. Yes, I know I'm starting to sound like Sue's blog here (great post by the way). But for me, that is not a new concept of God. I've had that for several years now. My description sometimes is "God expands far beyond the boundaries of all Creation, yet still exists in the space between electrons."

So my awareness that God is within me, surrounding me, connected to me, working through me, yet simultaneously stretching beyond me, has become even more pronounced. This is what brings me Peace (with a capital P). This is what gives me the feeling of safety and security, even when I see the worst news or face terrifying events of this world. There is a calm in the storm much like the eye of hurricane.

I am also aware on a level beyond head-knowing that God is the source of infinite Love and Joy. I feel it like something just beyond the reach of my fingertips. It's there. It's real. But I am not feeling either - yet. 

It's beyond the next door, I think....

I don't know what that will be, or when. I don't know if there is something I still cling to inside that prohibits me from taking that next step. Or it could be something that God has timed to a much greater purpose for this world. 

I really don't know.

That's part of my learning; knowing I don't know. But I do know God has only the best intentions in mind for me. So I cling to the knowledge - and now to the awareness - that there is Love far beyond anything I've experience in this life. That God's infinite Love will bring so much Joy to me and everyone.

All I can do, is charge ahead...