I originally thought to call this blogpost "Trepidation" but "Pain & Prejudice" seems more fitting. This week, there's been quite a bit of pain, both emotional and physical.
I've had diarrhea several weeks, finally realizing it was not the stomach flu but a result of over two months on a IC/PBS (Interstitial Cystitis/Painful Bladder Syndrome) diet has left my GI track in major discord. Anything I ate would now shoot through my system like a greased pig, having me literally running down the hall within the hour. I cannot take any medication, as that inflames the IC/PBS, whose acute pain was finally lessening. The recourse I finally took was to stay home from work for two days and try adding yogurt ("an irritant to the bladder") to get some friendly bacteria back into my GI track. It worked, though I've returned to the acute pain with a full bladder and at the end of emptying the bladder. (Owie!)
In addition, I've been considering what to say when I go to Confession today. When I picked up the church bulletin, I also nabbed two pamphlets titled "Why Go Back to Confession?" and "How to Make a Good Confession." At the time I nabbed them, what ran through my mind was, Let's see what they have to say about Confession. What do they expect me to do and say? It was very sarcastic and demeaning, belittling the Church in my mind. Yet... I believe God used them to show me two things:
- I am clearly hearing His intentions.
- I am being guided back home.
In my previous blogpost, I noted the reason I was given to go to Confession: To Reconcile the Bride and the Church. On the first panel of the first pamphlet, there is this paragraph:
- A few decades ago, the Catholic Church began referring to Confession as the Sacrament of Penance and Reconciliation. It did this to emphasize reconciliation. That's the short answer to the question, "Why go back to confession?" We do it to be reconciled. Reconciliation literally means "to meet again." We've lost our way. Confession is the way back home.
There is another section that reads like this:
- The Sacrament of Reconciliation is at the heart of Jesus' work to save and heal the world. It's the tangible expression of a loving Father's desire to find his children again. The first thing Jesus did after his Resurrection was to give his apostles the authority to restore us to the Father: "Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained" (John 20:22-23).
Of course, it goes on to say that "From that point on, the Church's ordained ministers have carried out this work of forgiveness and reconciliation." This is also at the heart of why I became disenchanted with the Church. There are WAY too many levels of intercession between an everyday human being and God. Yes, I understand that there are times we are too far from God - too lost in this world - that we need help, a bridge to connect us back to God. Yeshua/Jesus is such a bridge. But what's I've learned in Catholic School was the following "pecking order:"
- God (the Father)
- Jesus (the Son)
- Holy Spirit (3rd "person" of God)
- Angels
- Mary, the mother of Yeshua/Jesus
- Peter
- Apostles (except Judas Iscariot, according to some)
- Saints
- Pope
- Cardinals
- Bishops
- Monsignors
- Parish Priest
- Priest
- Nuns
- lowly sinners, like me
In my mind, that's a LOT of red tape to place between God and me. I know I need help, but there is absolutely NO way I could get closer to God. Why? Because I am a lowly sinner & because I am a woman. Nuns are only a half-step up from lowly sinners. *Sigh* While I don't know whether this is the picture the Church has intended, this is how it is in my mind. At the moment that is what matters.
There are also some other "disagreements" I have heaped as coals upon this fire:
Ever-Virgin Mary: I believe that Mary, the mother of Yeshua/Jesus, was indeed virgin while she conceived Yeshua (Jesus). But basic anatomy clearly states that the hymen was broken when He was born. Also, as a good Jewish wife to Yoseph (Joseph), Miriam (Mary) would have had sexual relations with her husband and very likely produced offspring that would have been Yeshua's brothers and sisters. In fact, there are several references to "James, the brother of Jesus."
Queen of Heaven: I also don't believe she was bodily "Assumed into Heaven" whole to be crowned "Queen of Heaven." Do I believe she is blessed? Yes. Do I believe she is in Heaven? Certainly. I also believe there are bones somewhere in the earth that once were part of the body that bore Yeshua. More and more, the Catholic Church seems to make Miriam into a Goddess, ironically at the same time it denounces Pagan and Neo-Pagan practices of worshiping a Goddess. I once asked some CCD ("Sunday School") teacher to point out the scripture in the bible that states this "fact"; I was told "it is something that is accepted on faith." Yet, if I told them I speak with Yeshua (Jesus the Christ) daily and hear Him speak to me, they need to accept that on faith too, right? Of course not. I'm just a lowly sinner, likely being misled by the devil. I cannot tell how much I've wrestled with THAT particular false teaching of the Church as I grew in my relationship with Yeshua. :*(
The Name of the Lord: Another thing that seems to rub at me the wrong way is name they choose to call Him. It was Yeshua (ישוע) bara Yoseph - or Yehoshuah (יְהוֹשֻׁעַ) (bara YHWH). Or the more familiar name the family used in Aramaic: Yesua (יֵשׁוּעַ Yēšûă). First of all, the letter "J" didn't come into use in ANY alphabet, let alone Greco-Roman until 1478. The name "Jesus" is from the Greek name, Ἰησοῦς (Iēsoûs); I believe the way "Jesus" is pronounced in Spanish, with the "Je" as "ee", is closer to the original Greek. Both "Jesus" and "Jeshua/Joshua" are transliterated from the originals. In addition, the meaning behind the original names are now lost: "Yeshua" means "God is my redeemer/savior". "Yehoshuah" means "God is a saving-cry;" which only emphases that He is the Word of God. The root "Yeho", according to some, is "a theophoric element standing for the personal name of God," which is why I have "bara YHWH" in parenthesis as it's understood within the name Yehoshuah. Further, His surname is not "Christ"; "Christ" is from the Latin "Christos" which is a translation from the Hebrew "Messiah." So the proper title of "Yehoshuah Messiah" is "Jesus THE Christ." Though, all said and done, I'm told by my beloved Brother, "I don't care what they call me, as long as they call me." His Love and His humor shines through in this. :D
Communion Rules: In the Catholic Church, no one who is not Catholic is permitted to receive the host, even if they are physically present at the Mass. In recent years, they've opened the door to Episcopal Church members. This is most blatant of many undercurrents I've seen of this message: If you're not part of the club, we don't want you here. Yet, would this be what Yeshua intended for His Church? Does not the very word "Communion" mean "unity"???
I remember fondly a beautiful moment that must have been truly led by the Spirit. I attended a Healing Mass with my husband and his parents. His mother is a Protestant, and thus is forbidden from receiving communion. My mother-in-law remained in the pew while we went to receive Communion. The priest noted that she stayed behind and, after the line was finished, he went up to her and offered her the host. She demurely declined. He asked, "Why?" She explained, "Well, father, I am a Protestant, not a Catholic, so I can't receive." He offered it again despite these words, and she instinctively put her hands before her mouth, again stating she wasn't allowed. He grasped her hands and pulled them down stating, "That doesn't matter" and placed the host in her hands. With a look of shock, she received the host. While many whispered around us, and later commented that the priest will get into trouble for doing so, I BLESS the priest for that simple act. That is exactly what Yeshua would want in His Church.
I could go on with my list, but I think I hit the main points there. The short of it is, there are many things I currently hold against the Catholic Church. When I read "We've lost our way. Confession is the way back home," the "we" seemed to apply not only to the "lowly sinners" but to the Church as well. It has lost the way and needs my forgiveness as part of the steps on the return home. We both do. For it is my own pride, my ego, that sees these barricades when my mind thinks of the Church. I need to lay them down in this act of Confession; I need to set aside my pride, gather a cloak of humility instead. Did not Yeshua get Baptized by His cousin John, who in his own humility claimed he was not even worthy to unfasten Yeshua's sandal? Yet, He was Baptized because it was God's Will. Through humility, we are drawn closer to God.
When Yeshua gave the right to forgive each other, it was NOT just to the leaders of the Church. It was to all of us - each and every human heart regardless of status, education, position, gender, world location... or even religious affiliation. We ALL can forgive each other.
When Yeshua gave the right to forgive each other, it was NOT just to the leaders of the Church. It was to all of us - each and every human heart regardless of status, education, position, gender, world location... or even religious affiliation. We ALL can forgive each other.
- Reconciliation is at the heart of Jesus' work to save and heal the world.
When Yeshua said, "Receive the Holy Spirit" he was not talking only to the apostles and future priests, he was speaking to us all! Do we not consider ourselves receiving the same Spirit in Confirmation? Do we not ALL have the Spirit within us, the divine Spark of God that guides us? We do! This is NOT just for the Church leaders! We can forgive others! We can! It is a gift ALL have received.
And it is a gift we all MUST use, for it alone can heal the world. Many would testify that we can only be saved by "being washed in the blood of Christ." It was not Yeshua's blood streaming down the wooden cross that reconciles us to God and each other. It was the LOVE He had for us. In the Jewish belief of the day, sins were only forgiven if there was a sacrifice offered to God. He chose to be that sacrifice because He loved his brothers and sisters so much. His Love also shone through His words on that cross: "Abba, FORGIVE them, for they know not what they do." While we can still be blind in our pride and prejudice, He has planted within us both the same Love and Forgiveness. All He asks of us is not sacrifice, but to use those same gifts instead of using the pride and prejudice that stems from the ego. In doing so, there is healing from the pain; healing for the whole world.
"What would Jesus do?"
Heal the World.
Forgive.
Love.
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