Hour of the Wolf

In Babylon 5, there's a description of a time of desperation and courage. One of the characters defines it as the Hour of the Wolf, between 3 and 4 am, in the middle of the night when wolves are at your door.

Two things popped into mind when I heard that: (1) I like wolves; one may say they are a totem animal of mine. (2) 4 am is my time with Yeshua, immediately following what some say is the darkest part of the night. A third item followed days later, 3 am parallels 3 pm, the hour Christ died on the cross.

At 3 am last night, I got up to pee. Noting the time, I chuckled, wobbling half- asleep to the bathroom and back. It's the hour of the wolf. I looked into the shadows of the apartment - without fear.

At 4 am, I woke and was told to sleep and dream. This was a night for one of the lesson dreams. For the sake of brevity, I will not share all of it, but the key part.

We were aware of wolves outside, but were safe indoors. I glanced out windows hoping to catch a glimpse of them. It was twilight before the dawn. 

Three men entered, carrying someone severely attacked. The legs were gone, and the mind was driven mad. I tried to touch one of the hands that flailed wildly. I got a flash that there was a different "wolf" within this poor victim as well, a possession of sorts. One of the men there said he had not "seen an attack this bad since the rise of New Germany".

Without thinking, I shoved the gatherers aside, placed my hands on the victim's chest and reached for God. There was a sense for the first time within me -   I   can   do   this   ! The bleeding stopped instantly. The moans stopped with the pain.

The eyes snapped open and glared at me. I firmly commanded - Out! It tried to ensnare my mind: I am a simple human after all, I cannot command it to leave. I had none of it. God held my hand and I was a child of God's. Out! Now!

With a shriek, it left. The victim was stabilized and rapidly healing. Suddenly drained and very tired, I took a few steps to the side.

My birth mother approached me and said I did that. Then she pointed to the other miracles I worked unwitnessed in the dream. I was a miracle worker!

I turned to her and replied quietly but firmly, "God works miracles, not me. Regardless of form, it is always God."

I walked outside, tired and drained. Heading across the compound for another building, I recalled the wolves outside. But God was still with me. So I bravely walked through the twilight and crossed in front of a locked-up building. A low growl came from the darkness under the trees...

In the valley of the darkness

I will fear no evil

For God is with me.

In the valley of the twilight, when evil approaches with a wolf's menacing growl...

 ... I climbed the drainpipe like a squirrel.

I woke up, shaking a bit. There is still more to learn of Faith and placing my full Trust in God.

*** Images from the internet. Final image: by Dark Natasha, website unknown. Others: sources unknown.

Lord's Prayer

English-speaking Christians may know the Lord's Prayer akin to the following, which I had memorized as a child even before entering school:

 Our Father,

Who art in Heaven,

Hallowed be Thy name.

Thy Kingdom come.

Thy will be done,

On Earth

As it is in Heaven.

Give us this day

Our daily bread.

And Forgive us our sins,

As we forgive

The trespasses of others.

Lead us not into temptation,

But deliver us from evil.

[For Thine is the Kingdom,

And the Power,

And the Glory,

For ever and ever.

Amen.]

Without  understanding, I memorized it. No child in the early 1970's used terms like "Thy and Thine," and forget about  "Hallowed." But I dutifully memorized it and prayed it often, learning to incorporate it into the rosary.

Over the years, my studies have lead me to see many things through different eyes, but I never questioned the words from this prayer, antiquated though they are. It wasn't until recently that I've studied the words as they were originally spoken in Aramaic - and my Aramaic is even less fluent than my Hebrew. :P There are many different "direct translations" from Aramaic to English, from "O Cosmic Birther" to "may your utmost shine in the highest vibrations." ~~~ Eh?

Though we are all interconnected, interwoven in this tapestry of life, we each still hold a unique perspective. The Spirit within can teach us from this point, even things that are outside our perspective.

If I don't understand something I read or hear today, I turn to Yeshua and ask Him point-blank, "What did you mean by this?"

The answer immediately blossoms in my mind, or sometimes I need to re-read a passage until something clicks. Yet, I must relinquish my preconceived notions, today's definitions of the words (reading English - a language Yeshua never spoke), and decades of teachings. My mind needs to be blank to allow a real understanding to enter.

For me, this is how I have come to understand the Lord's Prayer. For others, it may differ, based on spiritual backgrounds.

Our Creator and Parent,

Who exists both here

and Paradise,

Holy is Your names.* 

The Kingdom is here

When Your Will is done,

Connecting Earth

To Heaven.

Please let us have each day

That which we do need.**

Let our mistakes

Die with the past,

When we do the same

With the mistakes of others,

So they exist no more.

Please lead us away from

Things we do not need,

And thoughts that

Lead us away from You,

Both of which

Bind us to this world.

Please, bring us Home.

For the Kingdom is Yours.

All power is Yours.

All glory is Yours.

Not ours.

Now and for all time.

I believe this with all my heart.***

* Though grammatically incorrect, I did mean multiple names, one God, one of many divine paradoxes.

** Food, water, shelter, protection from elements, and - of course - Love.

*** The meaning of "Amen," akin to "So be it" and "Be it so."

What does the Lord's Prayer mean to you when you ask the Spirit within your soul?

Images: All from the internet. Black & white one with Christ and girl reading: GoodSalt.com. The rest: Source Unknown.

Bodily Blessings

Like many, I was taught to say a blessing before meals. Granted, sometimes that blessing would only be on Thanksgiving, Easter and Christmas dinners. But the words were the same:

Bless us, O Lord,

And these thy gifts

That we are about to receive

From thy bounty

Through Christ, our Lord

Amen.

My husband and I now pray every meal together in ANY location, even sitting in Burger King. We use the same words as above, but then add additional things we are thankful for at that given moment (safe travel, good weather, friends, family, etc.).

Since getting married, I've incorporated this into when I dine alone, regardless if it's a very early breakfast or working through lunch at my desk. I stop and pray silently, even at a meeting with clients.

While learning how to heal -- and accept healing -- a few changes have been asked. When I "say grace," I am to continue to express my gratitude for all the blessings I've received. But I also need to learn to bless that which I consume - the food and drink. Thus:

Bless, O Lord,

These thy gifts

That we are about to receive

From thy bounty

Through Christ, our Lord

Amen.

To help change my perspective, I was also given this to add: "Please bless this food so that it is worthy to enter and help support this vessel in which Your Spirit dwells."

In addition to food and drink, there is another vital element that our bodies need in this world: air.

 

I have never thought about blessing the air. Often I just take it for granted, as I consume it 24/7/365.

In asking for some direction of how to bless the air, I was given: "Please bless this air, so that it may help heal this body and all that breathe it." This is to be done every morning as I wake up, each time I enter a room, and each time I go outside.

I may forget to change the meal blessings, and I almost always forget to bless the air. Yet it is essential to my body's maintenance. I can go without food for days, and without drink for hours. I can only go without air for a string of seconds...

When I forgot, I have pain and illness. Yet when I remember... the air feels cleaner, the food tastes richer, and my body feels whole.

Food for thought...

and prayer. 

***Images: From the Internet, sources unknown.

Dear Diary

To save time and space, I will completely separate my two blogs. I will no longer post duplications.

For stories and things I want to share publicly, please see my other blog: Evening Star Aglow.

For thoughts on my spiritual growth and development, I will continue to blog here.

Thanks for your continued readership.

** Image: Source unknown.

 

Adonai

Years ago, I was given the name  "Yeshua" to use when speaking to Christ, which means "to rescue, deliver." The name "Jesus" derives from the Greek name "Iesous." The letter "J" never came into use until 1524 AD.

Of course with saying "Jesus" for several decades, coupled with my Anglic-American accent, it comes out, "Jesh-u-a." He actually smiles at this. My fumbling with Hebrew has brought other mutual smiles and laughter too.

Correct pronunciation is "Ye-shu-a," or "Ye-ho-shu-ah" for Hebrew. I think there's an extra character for that. I often forget that the first character when reading Hebrew is on the right, not the character that looks like "y" on the left. :P

Last year I received a ring that reads, "Yeshua Hamasiach," which translates as "Jesus the Messiah." I wear it on my right-hand ring finger with my wedding band on my left.

Over the last few months, though, another Hebrew term has crossed my mind. When I think "Yeshua" (with the correct pronunciation :P), there's been an echo in my mind with the word: "Adonai."

Well, given my extensive knowledge of Hebrew (of which wouldn't fill a thimble), I turned to the internet and found this great website that actually has the spoken pronunciations as well as the meanings. Did you know that there are several versions of the Hebrew word for "Lord"?

The first sound was for "Adon", so I skipped that and went to the first "Adonai: The Lord". But the sound was different than the one in my mind. It had a long "I" sound rather than a long "A" sound at the end.

Another that caught my ear was "Adoni: My Lord," which had a long "E" sound. This seemed to resonate with my soul, as well. Though it was with an "E" rather than "A" sound.

I went through the group, the closest I could match was "Adonei ha-adonim: The Lord of Lords."

So, my guess for "Yeshua Adonei" (correctly spelled :P) is "Jesus the Lord." Maybe "Adonai" (with the long A) is for Yeshua's Abba, "THE Lord." (*Shug*) I am still learning. :D

So much to learn
So much to see
Wonderful nuggets
Found amidst humanity

Brain Tickles

A few years ago, I've started feeling an odd sensation that I refer to as "brain tickles." It's a similar sensation when feeling first returns to a part of the body that has gone numb. But it doesn't ever reach the "pins and needles" pain.

At first, this brought me a great deal of worry and concern, panic even! My little brother had a cerebral AVM, which would bleed into his brain from time to time. Feeling something that may be a trickle within my own brought these fears, but nothing else: no headaches, no seizures, nothing bad. It was simply a feather-light touch in my cranium.

The first few times, I was told, "Don't worry. It's God's touch. It will not harm you." Even with this, there was great fear, including thoughts that whatever it was would eventually kill me...

But that changed over the years. Now... I smile each time I feel it.

There is no correlation with what I am doing at the moment it happens. I could be driving, walking, praying, working on inventory reports, talking to someone on the phone, reading, or just veging in front of the television. It happens when it happens, not when I will it to, or even when I think about it. Through trial and failure, I cannot get it to start, no matter what I try, including intense prayer for it to happen.

I guess it is true: God knocks when God knocks, not when we are ready and waiting for it.

When I am not afraid, and I am not fighting it... There is Love. There is Peace. There is an inner smile. There's a sensation, that God is saying "hi" to me, and I often pause from whatever I am doing and take the time to say "hi" back.

It may well be just a simple confirmation that God is there with us. It may be an invitation to prayer, to be still and spend a few moments with God. Perhaps the Creator is rewiring the firmware so I would work more aligned with His Plan. I know my perspective has been changing over the last few years as well.

Whatever the brain tickle may be, it's a reminder that God is not done with me, but is still working in accordance with God's Plan. :D

As Yourself

The next few posts will be "penning" some thoughts down. Can I use the term "penning" with an electronic blog?

There is the second half of Christ's two-part law, taught two millennium ago and echoing all through time. The first part is Love God, with all your heart, all your strength and all your soul. Checked.

The second part is Love your neighbor as yourself. I know "neighbor" is any other human being, past, present and future. Yes, even Osma bin Laden and Hitler. But the "as yourself" part stuck in my mind for years.

It wasn't until very recently that I came to admit to myself, that I didn't love myself. It's hard to file for a divorce from myself, so I had to find a way to reconcile this.

I didn't love myself because I believed all those negative connotations the world taught me since I could barely walk and talk. I was unloved. I was unwanted. I was outcast. Even God could not love a sinner like myself - thank you 16 years of Catholic education!!!

I loved others - all my life. But I have always loved them far more than I loved myself. I was always the expendable one, the despised, the one people would turn to when they needed help, then cast aside like a useless tool when they did not. This also was how I came to define myself.

So how could I love my neighbor as myself - if I never could love myself?

It wasn't until recently, that I started to look at those words with a different perspective. While I still believe God wants us to love ourselves, the words are "Love your neighbor as yourself," not "Love your neighbor as much as you love yourself." Isn't that the same thing? Maybe not.

"As yourself" can mean "as much as yourself." But it can also mean that your neighbor IS yourself. In other words, those that we see around us, those we interact with, those who we can harm, or help, or heal.... are a part of ourselves.

"Humanity is One" is a message that has echoed in my mind for decades now. The way I've come to understand the Bride of Christ is the same. It's not the church, nor a selection of people. It is our neighbor as ourselves. Some of the images for the bride echo that as well. Our neighbors - all of humanity - as one. 

Love is the glue that holds us all together and binds us as one. And when we work together, we achieve far more than the sum of our individual efforts.

What potential lies within humanity, we have yet to discover...

Hand-in-hand we are called to be

That is the design of humanity

Love your neighbor

AS YOURSELF.

... and SHINE!

Why the tears?

If someone understands this, please share what you know. I seek to understand, to learn, to grow.

I had a coupon from Friendly's that gave me a free sundae with purchase for my birthday. Today, the day before my birthday, I planned to attend a monthly HR-networking breakfast at Friendly's, a perfect opportunity to use it. I'd have lunch with the purchase of my breakfast, even if it wasn't a healthy lunch. :P

Last night I got news my old Jeep's transmission and exhaust system may need to be replaced. The radio is still dead but is so low on the priority list, I don't think it will ever be fixed. I volunteered not to go my breakfast, to save some money toward the repairs.

My husband convinced me to go; we'll find the money somehow. I scraped up some cash and loose change. I'd have to use his even-older, rusting van, but at least it would not die on the highway. I was up early, even having a bit of time to blog. I  looked forward to that belgium waffle and ice cream sundae today!

On the way out the door, I forgot the aforementioned coupon. (Doh!) So I parked in an empty spot closer to our apartment door and ran in. On the way back out, I saw one of my elderly neighbors at her door watching me climb into my husband's van. I explained that my Jeep had died.

She came out to say how bad she felt for our predicament. She's seen me in pain over the last several months. Recently, news traveled through our community that the latest semi- annual $60/month hike (bringing our rent to nearly $1500/month for 720 square feet with one toilet!) is forcing my husband and I to move out, as soon a we can find a place we CAN afford.

Then she shared her own troubles. Her sister, who lives her, has continued to have severe back pain. There is no cure and the pain medication injection is only given four times per year. It lasts only a month each time. So there are many more months of agonizing pain. This morning, her sister couldn't get out of bed. Plus yesterday she had fallen - again. This time on the sidewalk and the bruises and scrapes covered her thin arms painfully. That is what could be seen outside of the modest nightclothes they both wore. The sister who's been the care-taker is at her wit's end with worry and exhaustion. She was in tears, not knowing what else she could do. By the end she kept apologizing for not "being herself"...

That really puts my own troubles into perspective. We struggle, but we haven't hit that wall yet. :*(

By the time I reached Friendly's, the breakfast had been served. I didn't bother to go in. Instead, I drove to a local supermarket and picked up two bouquets of flowers, one for each sister. I left them anonymously tucked into their apartment door. I would have spent the same money on the breakfast. The coupon... would have just added to my hips, right?

I understand some of what happened this morning. The Spirit used my situation to create something beautiful. There was a neighbor who needed to speak with someone, to reach out. Had my Jeep not died, had my husband not convinced me to go anyway, had I not forgotten that coupon... I would not been in the right place and time that God and that neighbor needed me to be.

This much I understand. I generally don't share all the little things I do in life. I don't want to brag and I believe in the request to do good things "hidden." The reason I share this in particular is that I would like some help understanding myself.

What I DON'T understand - and please help me if you do - why am I in tears when I got to the office this morning. I made excellent use of the funds I had in my pocket. Or at least I think I did...

But I cannot get past the remorse that I am at a loss. Shouldn't there be joy when you help another? And there's this wonderful streak of mischievousness when you can get it done with no one the wiser. Why does the missed waffle and ice-cream seem to hurt me so much this morning? I've given up other things in my life. Why should this hurt so bad in particular? 

Am I being selfish? Is it because it was my birthday celebration (even if just a sundae)?

Thoughts danced in my head with the tears, reminding me that I will not have a birthday gathering at work. This year it's because I can't eat anything that one uses to make into a cake. Last year, only one person in the entire building showed up, and I purchased the watermellon roll from Friendly's myself.

I need to let go of the past, but sometimes there is such pain in the present too. Why can I not let go of these tears? I really can't be crying over a stupid waffle, can I???

Of course, I prayed about this. I got some inner peace and calmness, but no answer. At least no direct answer. It was suggested that I blog about it, so I am hoping that one of you has the answer I seek.

Why the tears? How can I get my mind to shift to things that matter and let go of the little "rewards" I give myself in life? How do I get over not getting a birthday breakfast? This is such a STUPID thing to cry about! But I still make inroads on the tissue box today.

This time I don't think I can blame menopause...

Lion and Lioness

This morning I spoke with Yeshua. There was nothing serious, or so I thought, just chatting like Brother and sister.

As my birthday is tomorrow, I tried to wheedle His birth date from Him (yet again). I know He was born sometime in the summer, not on December 25th as we celebrate. But He will not tell me precisely when. It doesn't help that we're on two completely different calendars. :P But He insists the importance is that He was born, human like us. It doesn't matter WHEN in the calendar year this happened.

But, like a little sister, I keep trying. :P

Today, He joking said that He'll share my birthday. So I teased back, "I guess that makes you a Leo too." Then it clicked in my mind. The "Lion of Judah" is one of Yeshua's titles. Why wouldn't it be a good Zodiac sign for Him?

While I pondered this, He whispered back, "That makes you a lioness too."

Of course, my mind argued this. The animal I best associate with is a mouse - a far cry from a lioness. (She eats mice and much bigger things!)

A mouse is my fursona, chosen not only because it fit my personality, but  because it's the smallest of God's creatures (except bugs, bacteria, viruses and other things that don't look so cute and fluffy). Mice are also found in every climate this world has to offer, from the arctic circle to the equator.

That's one of the reasons I wrote the story, Lion and Little Mouse. It seemed to fit my relationship with Yeshua.

But He insisted that His Bride is as much of a lioness as He is a Lion. We discussed their separate roles.

The Lion leads; the lioness raises and teaches the young. The lioness hunts; the Lion protects and defends. The Lion has this really cool mane, I bantered. Yeshua countered that the lioness has attractive attributes too, especially to the Lion.

While I am the Bride, I am not the Bride alone. The Bride of Christ is all of humanity - as one. There is a role we fulfill in this world as lioness.

As the lioness raises and teaches the young, we share our understanding with the world. As the lioness brings the results of her hunt to the lion, we bring those with whom we connect to Christ's heart, even if only through sharing His Love.

And one part that is often forgotten in this life's existence. We have attractive attributes that draws the Lion to us. His Love is a shining beacon that those attributes are there, even when they are hidden from ourselves.

The Lion and lioness

Together do shine

From the very beginning

And well beyond time

PS: If you look close enough, you'll see that even in human form, Yeshua has a really cool mane. ;-)

Come and See

Just before waking, I had an interesting dream. In the dream, I was in some apartment my husband and I shared.

It was a work day, so I packed my laptop bag and lunch tote. But as I had some time, I didn't walk to the office right away. Instead, I sat outside on the sparse grass beside the driveway and, while water from last night's rain trickled into the heels of my old worn sneakers, I flipped through a pile of paperwork from the bag.

In it was a photograph.

It seemed out of focus at first, but then when I tilted it correctly, I could see the image. It was of my mother, my sister, her daughter, and my brother. "This was taken when they visited my husband and I," I reminisced.

But I did note that my other brother and father were not in the picture. Their passing had finally been accepted by my subconsciousness. When I considered this, Yeshua stepped up and told me, "I am leaving--"

"WHAT!?!" I exclaimed. I needed Him. He is a constant companion day and night, in my thoughts and in my heart. "What do You mean You are leaving???

I whined, I cajoled, I argued, I bitched, I moaned. I told Him how much I needed Him by my side. That I couldn't do anything without Him. I couldn't live without Him. How can He tell me He was leaving me????

He touched my shoulder with a smile and told me, "I will always be with you, but I am leaving." I felt more than watched Him walk down the driveway.

My eyes were still locked on the photograph in my hand.

...

It didn't dawn on me until I had awakened, wanting to write this down and figure out WHY He was leaving me.

Yeshua never said He was leaving me. He said He was leaving. There is a difference.

I was clinging to the past, to my family, to my little circle in this life. He was leaving that.

...and inviting me to come along. I just never let Him finish His words. :P

Where is He going? I don't know. But the invitation still stands open... "Come and see."