Grudge Begone

I know it's been quite a while since I've written; no excuses would suffice. Today's action is a fitting point for a fresh new start here too.

There was a person with whom I quickly become very good friends online. We helped each other through many troubles in our respective lives. We contacted each other several times daily via chat, email or text messages, discussing everything. Then starting last summer, he started to pull away - becoming silent for long stretches at a time.

I always tried to keep the door open, but I couldn't help but feel snubbed. I kept telling myself that he was going through a rough time, including a marriage that may be ending. So I keep a smile plastered over my face, even when I didn't feel it in my heart. This person was going though pain; my own pain didn't matter. I was a friend who was called to help him, after all.

In the fall, the person moved to another apartment and texted me the new address. With my low-end cell phone's limitations, including storage, the address was quickly auto-deleted by the phone. When I was writing out my Christmas cards in November, I emailed this person asking for the new address, explaining it was deleted by my cell. The response I received appeared to be a BCC copy of an email sent to other friends of his, asking for their opinion: Should he tell me that I'm a irksome bother and should go away, or be forgiving and give me the new address?

At that time, I was going through a lot of pain: mental and emotional as well as physical. I also had very little sleep; the intense IC/PBS pain woke me several times at night. Needless to say, this snide remark was enough to tip my balance from nice to nasty despite the Christmas Season. I sent a response via text, "I rescind my request. Have a Merry Christmas." His immediate response was "NEVER SMS ME AGAIN!!!"

Clearly, we hurt each other. My husband pointed out that he may not realize he copied me on the email and was upset by the unprovoked text. Still smoldering over it; I responded to the e-mail, "I received your text message; I will not text or email you again."

We haven't communicated since. He moved on to other things, and so did I.

But over the months, the parting blows smoldered in the back of my mind. I've prayed about it too, feeling quite hurt and betrayed by the treatment, but also wanting to forgive and let it go...

Today I believe I was ... prodded ... into action. I kept saying to myself, "I forgive him. I forgive him." Sometimes I'd believe it sincerely, but at other times, especially when I am grumpy with pain or sleeplessness, the bitterness that bubbles under the surface rises back into my awareness.

I needed to do a bit more...  outward. I emailed him today, a few minutes before typing this blog post.

In a very short note, I stated that I realized my last words to him was nasty. While I had been in a lot of pain at the time, it was no excuse. I told him that I understood we'd no longer talk and share as we had; it is in the past. I asked that, at some point, he will come to forgive any hurt my words caused him, as I have forgiven.

I don't know if I'll get a response; I told him a response was not necessary. I may even get a nasty response saying I don't deserve forgiveness. But it was a risk I had to take.

I think some part of me deep inside realized the whole concept of forgiveness.

I know that I need to forgive in order to be forgiven. Sometimes, though, we need to ask for the forgiveness, in order to enable ourselves to truly forgive.

This way, we are both free.