Conversations with Yeshua

I think it's time to admit openly, at least on this blog, a few things. I know I've hinted at it in the past, hoping none would believe I'm either a liar or insane. But I think I've reached a point when I can stand up and say, yes, I do talk with Yeshua (Jesus) - beyond the traditional prayers.

How do I know it's really THE Yeshua? Don't you think I've had that question run through my own head hundreds of times since it started happening in 2007? Yes, at this time, I am certain. Explaining why I am would take more than one blog - more than a book - to answer with all the evidence He's given me over the years.

Here I want to clarify a few things, though. Thus the purpose of this blogpost.

First, it's not really "hearing" Him through my ears. My physical ears don't hear Him at all. It's not "voices in my head" either. In fact, Yeshua doesn't speak to me in English. Nor would I understand another language easily.

Let's take a step back and go over the whole process, at least as far as I've come to understand it.

When we pray, we say words in our head. These words are translated, via the Spirit into vibrations or something at the level in which God actually communicates.

When God or Yeshua wish to communicate to me, it goes through a process not too unlike a phone's headset. There is some vibration / energy transmitted to me, within which is the message / meaning that is being conveyed. My spirit registers this vibration and translates it - through the Spirit within us - to my mind. It then becomes thoughts, concepts, feelings, ideas, and - to some degree - understanding.

Then the grey matter kicks in, as though it received the message through the neural network that's in our bodies (including the parts that hear). The message is sometimes - but not always - translated into words that I know. In my case, that's English. But when Yeshua sends it - it could start as Aramaic or Hebrew or something else entirely.

Other times I receive something with no words at all, but rather feelings or impressions - affirmative, negative, "you know better," "you're OK," "I'm here with you," "don't give up," laughter / amusement, sadness, disappointment... I can go on, but you get the idea. It's an impression rather than specific words.

Do I speak with Yeshua daily? Yes. Several times a day. In fact, one of the exercises He asked me to do at the start was to NOT set my alarm clock, but let Him wake me up - whatever time I needed to be awake. Trust Him. I haven't set my alarm clock since 2007! 

He got me up at 3:30 am today, telling me it's time to write. I will admit - I can grumble quite a bit in my mind when I'm half awake. But I type this now with eyes sparkling; I love my Brother dearly and this is one of the things we've come to share between us over the years.

We have conversations too, some lengthy, some quick, some quirky. I recall one time I asked Him about some of the customs of His time that I found strange. He retorted with, "Well you shave your legs!" LoL

There's many things we spoke about, including stuff that really doesn't matter in either His ministry or what I'm asked to do. These are simple parts of a little sister getting to know her big Brother, getting to know the carpenter from Nazareth who also happens to be the Redeemer of the world. I guess we all have day jobs. :D

For example, I've discovered His favorite color is red and He prefers rock music over country music. (I can't believe I found the picture to the right a few years after He told me that; guitar is the right color - LoL). It's certainly different than my tastes; my favorite color is blue and I LIKE country music. I'm not saying He hates it, but he likes to hear rock music more. That and the lyre & timbrel (which I finally looked up today to make sure I spelled it correctly - :P). The lyre I knew about before, but when He showed me an image of timbrel, I saw the tambourine. Close enough. :D

In addition to the fun stuff, there are some serious conversations too. Some of which I started to share on this blog and will likely continue in earnest. There are things He will not tell me. He also does not know when "the Day of His Return" will be. He still waits for our Father. But it's close; though "close" can be relative in the concept of Eternity.

I've learned that words that my head translates need to go through a strainer. I need the correct perception to understand some things. My own perception is still quite limited and there will be mistranslations. The gray matter will take these messages - like any thing else we see, hear, touch, taste, etc. and will put it in concept of our current understandings and experiences. With a limited - or incorrect - perception, the gray goo WILL and DOES spit out the wrong words. I have even had two or three words overlap simultaneously - sort of a malfunction. Our receptors are not perfect.

Yes - OUR receptors. What I can do, everyone has the potential to do. We can all hear Yeshua - and God. We just need to be willing to do so.

Our belief that we can not is one of the things that will block it - hanging up the call.

Why would we do that?

Well, I think it started back in Moses' time (see Exodus) where the people told God, "Please stop talking to us; you're scaring the hell out of us when you do." So God agreed and sent Prophets to tell the people what He wants to say. Am I a prophet? Well... I tend to argue that I'm not. That's another blogpost, though.

I just want to say that this is something that we ALL have available to us. Every one! Yes, it scares the crap out of you at first, but it's something you can get used to. Yes, it's not a perfect reception, but one can learn to filter what they hear with the understanding that their perception will color the words their minds are translating. After all, the bible itself is a translation too.

That is where we need to admit we don't know a lot of things, and let the Spirit within guide us so we CAN understand.

Zacchaeus

Just before waking this morning, I received a reminder on the cusp of a dream that I wanted to share. In the dream, I was a white cat and I had climbed up into a tree. Like the stories some giggle over, I had somehow gotten stuck and there wasn't a fireman in sight to get me down.

Yeshua (Jesus) walked up to the tree's base and looked up with a lopsided grin. He knew I was stuck. He said, "Come down, we're having dinner at your place tonight."

My ears pricked up in great alarm. My apartment is so cluttered it's shameful to have any guests over - let alone One I love, treasure and respect so much. I tried to tell Him, that maybe we could do it some other time. Yes, I was mewling like the cat in the tree I was...

Even in the dream, I remembered the story from the bible. Zacchaeus, was a short man that so desperately wanted to see Yeshua when He passed through, that he climbed up a tree to see over everyone's heads.

Yeshua spied Zacchaeus in the tree and told the man, "Come down. We're staying at your house tonight." Of course, the crowd was surprised and shocked; Zacchaeus was a tax collector and considered a sinful man. Yet, that same man found forgiveness with a new start, simply by letting Christ into his home.

As I started to awaken from the dream, I took a half-step into another dream where I was face-to-face with Yeshua. In response to my mewling protests, He looked into my eyes, placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "How cluttered was your heart, when you invited me into it?"

As I continued to awaken fully, I was given a simple request, "Share this."

We don't need to have our living space in perfect order to allow Christ in the door. Likewise, and more importantly, we don't need our spirit/soul's in perfect order to have Him enter. In fact, that is when we need Him the most, and that is when we most wants us to accept Him into our hearts and our lives.

Unforgivable Sin

Today's post is just a venue to work out some thoughts; I still do not have full understanding of this. Last evening, I was reading some of the Gospel of Thomas, and I came upon the section regarding the "unforgivable sin" (blaspheming the Holy Spirit). This is also found in the Gospels according to Matthew and Mark. I spent some time pondering, praying and trying to listen. What exactly does blaspheming the Holy Spirit mean?

Here's where it becomes more gnostic than the cookie-cutter Christian concepts. I was given that it was something that happens to all people; and something that the spirits/souls of all people cannot commit.

Essentially, to the best of my current understanding, it is when we deliberately refuse / deny / go-against the guidance of the Holy Spirit. It is - in essence - our ego. Pride is not synonymous with our ego, it is the result of associating with and perceiving through our ego.

We all have an ego.

Yet, the ego is not something God created, but something humanity created in its attempt to separate from God. When Christ speaks of separating the chaff from the grain, He speaks of separating the ego (chaff) from what we truly are - what God made - the spirit/soul (grain). I tried to speak of this before in my other blog.

If we are all truly the grain, why is there a Heaven and hell? Why is there threats of eternal punishment?

We - each and every one of us - has a responsibility to place and keep our mind in one of two places. We either associate with the ego, or with the spirit/soul. If we cling to the spirit/soul, we perceive ourselves as what God created, and we will have this world's temptations, sadness, loss and mistakes stripped way - we will experience full forgiveness. If we cling to the teachings and ideals of this world: greed, self-service, self-centeredness... to the ego, we will perceive ourselves as where the ego is. When the ego has been torn from the soul/spirit, we would perceive ourselves torn from God - completely.

Hell is not the medieval concept of a pit/cavern with fire, brimstone and devils with pitchforks torturing souls. Hell is far, far worse than that; it is the complete separation from God. While earthly existence is nothing like Heaven, it is nothing like hell either. In Heaven, we are completely in God's Presence, where it fills us with warmth, joy, light, love and flows through us unendingly. Here we still retain some connection with God. Hell is so cold it burns, excruciatingly sad, so dark there is no speck of light in which to see, so loveless one feels sliced from being. Yet there is still existence, for what God creates with such love never ceases to exist.

Can we change our mind? Certainly. Yet, as I understand, it is far easier to change our minds in this existence. For we are not severed from God, we only perceive ourselves separate. Here, both the ego and spirit/soul have possibilities for us. Here, we can choose that we are connected to God, that we are what God made. Or we can continue to believe we are separate from God and are what we made ourselves - the ego. This - in essence - is the totality of our Free Will. When they are torn apart, we have to decide what we perceive ourselves to be. That is where our "self" will reside. It is far, FAR more difficult to find and reconnect with God in hell, as we will perceive ourselves as completely cut from God. It is impossible for us to do so.

So, in sum, the unforgivable sin is when we associate ourselves with the ego, rather than the Spirit. Can we change? Yes. Are we forgiven then? Yes. But when we do change our "minds" we become aligned to the soul/spirit which IS forgiven. At the end, the ego will be drawn from us and we will perceive it no more. Yet, if we continue to associate ourselves with the ego... it will be a long journey in the dark.

:*( 

Steps to Heaven

My in-laws are in their 80's. All their life, they had helped many others: friends, family & neighbors. They have very little in possessions, but they share all they are. They've never needed anyone's help... until now.

It's hard to tell one you love, respect and admire that they don't remember things right. It's frightening to see them loose their strength, their stamina, their ability to drive, their sight...

Like my in-laws had done with their parents, my husband and I have been ready for years to step into the roll of caretakers for them. But they "don't want to be a burden."

This is a delicate dance we need to take, together, often with little guidance. When the role of parent and child switch, it's hard on both. In a way, not being blessed with children of our own is a blessing - we have some freedom to help where we wouldn't with a child (that sandwich generation). But my in-laws need to accept the help, for it would do neither of us good to force it on them.

Yesterday, a beautiful gem came to mind. This weekend, we will try to present it this way: All their life, they have helped others, ensuring their place in Heaven. Now, it is time for others to do the same. By allowing others to help, they open an opportunity for good works.

They are, in turn, helping others --- on the steps to Heaven.

Shut... Up... ?

There are times when tweeting where I am caught up in the flow. Words start spilling out, in rhyming 140-character or less nuggets. I find it difficult to stop. I literally feel Love flow through and reach out to others. It's beautiful.

Not until searching for images for this blogpost this morning did I realize that both the Holy Spirit and Twitter are symbolized by birds. For me, there is certainly a connection.

Yesterday, I was on a roll. I spent about three hours reading and responding to tweets. Joy was singing in my heart, but the clock never stopped either. It was too soon time to stop for work. My day-job called.

I had tweeted a line that I had to go, a "final parting" with which I try to end my tweet stream. But the words continued to flow - unabated. They weren't even going out to a person as a response. It was just... singing.

That's enough, I said to myself. Another tweet. You can stop now, I warned the words. Another tweet. I need to get to the job, I cajoled, trying to dam the powerful stream of words in me. Another tweet. Please stop! Another tweet.

Shut up! Stop! I need you to shut up now! It stopped. I scooped up my things, snapped shut the laptop and headed for work. It didn't take long before I realized what just happened...Did I really just tell the Holy Spirit "Shut Up"???

Who do I think I am???? This is a blessing! This is a gift! Did I not recently say that God will be faithful and see that the work of my day-job is done???

I do regret that. I realized what a big mistake that was and sincerely apologized. The words didn't flow for the rest of the day, but fortunately they are with me this morning.

I need to Trust God more. He knows I have a day-job and other responsibilities in life. He'll help me do them, if I Trust Him. I should never - ever - tell God, Yeshua or the Spirit "Shut up..." 

:*(

What Happened?

The last few days I wondered... Did I do something wrong? Did I offend? Did I say too much? Was I expected to say more? One that included me in tweets on a daily basis, even through my long hiatus from Twitter, had suddenly stopped.

What really bothers me the most is not the lack of mention; I'm overwhelmed by the number I receive daily. I try to personally respond - in rhyme - to every mention, response, re-tweet and favorite, or at least once per person. And I do so with a great deal of consideration and love in each, taking several hours each day.

What hurts is that I am no longer asked to join in prayer. I've kept up with the prayers, as the requests still show in my timeline and lists.

But I am the outcast.

I cannot help but wonder, is this person mad at me? Did I do something wrong?

I've prayed; I asked Yeshua. There was a suggestion that it may have been a mistake. The change happened right after he sent out a praise report that my pain was gone. Perhaps the lists are just copied/pasted from the last "blast" and my name was unintentionally dropped...

Twice, I started to DM this person to ask about the change; twice words failed me at the attempt. In one, I simply mentioned I was praying for those requested.

I can't shrug off this feeling that maybe I did something wrong. In silence, I keep wondering if he felt I offended him with something I've said - or even not said. I did thank him... Perhaps he got the wrong idea when I replied to those who responded to his praise report. They copied me, showed up in my @-stream, so I responded to the sender AND him, as I do for the others there. Maybe the words used rubbed him the wrong way...

Each time I stream out responses on Twitter, I ask for God's guidance. This wouldn't be the first time words brought bad feelings - - unintended. 

There is Love, and I try to sing that. But I will admit, some words do have a bite too. I've learned to keep some of those to the side, where I mention no one in particular, so they feel like I am attacking them. But I need to let the words flow and not edit them in stream. The rhymes are meant as reminders for us all, sisters and brothers - and myself. Yes, a lot of what flows from my fingertips applies to me too. There are lessons for me in those rhymes that I go back and read. Many I don't realize are there until I hit "Send," then sit back and say, "Wow!... Thank you."

I don't really know what happened. I don't understand why I can't DM this person to straighten it out. For once, it feels more like I'm guided away from doing so, rather than fighting the fear like before.

I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want anyone to be mad. But I don't want to stop singing because someone didn't like what I said or how I said it. It crippled me a few times when I was a fledgling on Twitter.

I need to be more concerned with keeping my heart open to God's Love, letting it flow, rather than what someone thinks of the messenger...

...though part of me still wonders, What happened?

My Sister, the Camel

At times, the hardest people to forgive are those closest to you, such as a family member.We argue that we know them too well and that they will never change. Who are we to say "never?"

I continue to struggle with my feelings about my sister. (Yes, that picture is actually us, six years apart in age.)

For two nights in a row, I've had dreams that involved the grudge I have against my little sister. Given that my Twitter account lists me as "His (Jesus') Little Sister," who certainly needs His forgiveness, why is it so hard to forgive my own little sister and look past some of the things she says and does?

I will admit, there is a lot of jealousies, almost all on my side. I was the oldest child in the family, the one who had to help my parents and was responsible for my three younger siblings. She was the youngest and got away with everything. My parents had very little income as I grew up; I've shoveled snow, babysat, and delivered papers since I was 10 to pay for each treat. When I was in high-school, my father landed a lucrative means of income, and my sister got everything for which she asked without having to work for it. I worked 20-70 hours per week since I was 16. While fortunate enough to have some of my college expenses paid (I know many who never had that chance), I worked in the college cafeteria 35-hours per week to help cover the rest of my bills, and up to 70 hours over the summer with all the work I could find. In college, my sister rode on coat-tails of luxury and had an off-campus apartment paid for by my parents. She would take summers off because she "worked" so hard in school, including three years at law school, which was also covered in full.

As young adults, the divide only grew. I've struggled to pay bills in lower-income brackets where "vacation" was a 3-day weekend at a friend's house. My sister landed high-income jobs from the start and has gone on at least one (up to three) cruises a year.

My sister had one of the first of my nieces and nephews; I've never been blessed with kids of my own but so desperately wanted one. Having low income, I hand-crafted teddy bears, hidden-pocket pillows and other unique gifts for the kids, but those gifts were often left behind compared to the X-box games and other high-end gifts that I could never give anyone, including myself. Matters only became more estranged when my parents announced that the grandchildren would inherit everything after they were gone. To this day my sister strives to have even more kids after the first two; part of me wonders if this is to get a larger portion of the estate once my mother is gone... She even had the audacity to ask my husband and I - the childless couple with little income - to donate money into a fund to help her adopt kids from overseas! Then she asked us to ask our friends for money too.

Having little means myself, I grew up to have a heart for others who have little and give as often as I could, in time, money or from my own closet. My sister on the other hand, will frequently gripe about the "hand outs" and "free ride" those that are on social support receive.

She bitched about the "free cell phones" where recycled old phones were reprogrammed so homeless and poor could dial "911" in an emergency. Yet, in her mind, they were calling long distance to yak for hours on end with their relatives.

She derides people on food stamps, believing "they should just go out and work for a living like I do." My sister has never been hungry in her life; I've had several weeks with only generic cereal (dry) and cheap generic spaghetti. Once, I even had a stretch where I had to rely on the kindness of strangers to supply one good meal a day; I worked three part-time jobs at the time. I've even been homeless once, and was blessed as a friend took me in for a few months until I could get another place.

Her most recent rant involves the FHA loan (where the government helps low-income households purchase a home). Last year she sold her 3-bedroom house with a finished basement to upgrade to one of those McMansions that bloomed everywhere in the market boom. The family that purchased her old home financed through FHA, and she recently heard from a former neighbor that they were painting the home. Not any major remodeling, mind you, just a fresh coat of paint. She went on a lengthy tirade how the government shouldn't be supplementing mortgages for people who could afford to do that! In fact, they shouldn't support people at all. Let them work for a living, like she does. She didn't even realize that her rants were presented to two people who have yet to afford their first home - even with FHA financing....

Though we are sisters, we are completely different people. She sees others as either people she could use to help better her status (networking) or her life (by them serving her). I see people as my brothers and sisters whom I am called to help. Though, I do find it harder to relate to people who have so little kindness for the least of us; and the more wealth they seem to have, the less they seem to care about others. I don't hate them, I don't think I truly could hate anyone. But I do become angry, and afterwards I feel sad for them; they just don't "get it."

Perhaps that's why Yeshua taught that it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of the needle, than for the rich to enter the Kingdom. This is true, and it is those for whom we should pray. They are blind and they need His healing to help them see...

This past Christmas, we exchanged the typical "wish lists" among the family. Instead of what I would like under the tree, I created a list of charities, such as food banks, Samaritan's Purse and similar humanitarian aid organizations to which my husband and I would like to contribute more, if we had the means. The rest of my family got me gift certificates to restaurants and things not on that list.

My sister was the only one who made a donation in my name to one of the agencies. There is hope.

Over Easter this year, my sister took her family on a cruise for one of their three major vacations. On Easter morning, she was out on a land excursion in San Juan and heading out to breakfast with her family. She spied a hungry homeless person on the street near the restaurant and purchased a hot meal and coffee for him. There is hope...

My job is to strive to be the best example for her in this life; I am her big sister after all. That, and I need to forgive her. She's said and done some rotten things about others in her past; she may likely continue to do so in the future; it takes time for some to change completely. But if I continue to forgive her, to pray for her, to shine a good example for her, hopefully she will begin to hear the Spirit within her as well. And change....

There is always hope.

:*)

Fledgling

Yesterday, a good friend sent out a praise report that my chronic pain was finally gone. I'm happy. It was done in a way that it was for the glory of God, not for me. Which presented me with an interesting dilemma. Should I not be doing the same thing too?

After all, I was the one who was healed and experienced what I consider a miracle. But at the same time, I don't want to be like those who run around shouting, "Look at me, I'm special; God touched me and healed me!"

I don't want the attention to go to me, but God. God is the One Who heals, Who helps, Who comforts... I want to share that and to give some Hope to others who likewise suffer. I just don't know how to do that.

An idea I have is writing a blog post similar to Learning to Trust for my "public" blog. Do I mention that I am "told" some things? That I do, indeed, hear from Yeshua (Jesus)?

There are so many out there that claim they do, but one can see how they are using that statement to draw attention to themselves, not Yeshua, not God... I don't want to play the role of a false prophet. :(

I will pray and Trust I am led to do what is right in a way that best serves God. Then whatever doubts and questions about what others will think and say should just be tossed to the side... 

Do not worry beforehand about what to say.

Just say whatever is given you at the time,

for it is not you speaking, but the Holy Spirit.

God is Faithful

Yesterday, I had wondered how work was going to get done. I had gotten some work done in the morning, but from 11:30 on, I worked on responding to two months worth of tweets. I had a pile of work to get done when I left the office at 7:30 pm last night. I didn't even get work done at home; I left it at the office. Yet God wanted me to Trust all will be well.

At 4:00 this morning, I was gently awoken from a sound sleep. I'm not tired; it felt as though I'd gotten a full night's rest. Given the hour, I was tempted to roll over and go back to sleep, but soft intermittent sounds around the room kept me awake. In ten minutes I was out from under the covers and starting my morning routine. Now at 5 am, I'm on the way to the office. With no interruptions (especially given the hour), I'll have all the work done by 7 am, in time to head to my Friday morning breakfast meeting.

When I let God rule my schedule; all the work is done. There is even a bit of time for His work and some fun. :D

Prayers

When I pray, sometimes I get a response. It isn't words, but more of an impression. I know which way things will fall. I then thank for the help or request emotional / spiritual support for those who will go through the trial. Always, I ask God's will be done.

I still don't know what to do about it.

Do I say something; do I remain silent? Is what I feel real? It seems real; I've had plenty of confirmation on some of the prayers. But there doesn't seem to be any guidance in sharing - yet. I don't know what the future holds.

Some make me wonder, or worry. When I get bad news, is there something I should do? I just had that happen with a prayer request this evening. I had a few today, but the last one shook me. It was bad news and I prayed that God would be with the family through the trial, and tailored my tweet along those lines. I don't know what else to do...

I still need so much guidance.

Donation

Today K-Love started it's springtime beg-a-thon. I donated something last year in the fall and hoped to donate more, but my husband and I opted to donate to the food bank and a few charities near us. There is only so much in the budget...

I listen to K-Love practically every day at work over the internet and I wanted to do something to help support them. So this morning, I sent an email to K-Love with an unusual proposal:

--------------------------------------------------------

The little drummer boy stood before the Christ child; he had no gift to give. While I am not a drummer, I am a writer. The keyboard is my drum and words are my song. Will you accept a gift of words?

I have a collection of short stories I have written and posted to my blog over the past few years, some of which include Awaiting His Return, The Fisherman, Greatest Treasure in the World, Lion's Estate, Road to Bethlehem and many more. 

What I offer is an arrangement; I can send you the collection of the stories. I retain the copyrights and give you legal permission to publish them. When doing so, I request you leave my name out of the work (anonymous) and can add K-Love as the publisher/distributor, though a notation pointing to my blog would be appreciated.

You could use e-publishing and POD (print-on-demand), as that involves no money upfront. K-Love would receive 100% of the money received from the sale of the work (less the cost the e-publisher takes off the top).

If you are interested, feel free to contact me. If I do not hear from you by the close of next week (4/20), I will know that I am free to offer these works to another as a donation.

Keep up the beautiful work you are doing; God bless you all.

- Tara

----------------------------------------------------------------------  

Will the radio station accept my offer? I don't know, but I cannot shake this feeling that there is a larger audience that should read these stories. That is one of the reasons for publishing these anonymously. It's not about me; it's about the message in those stories. We shall see.

Learning to Trust

For the past several months, I've been going through a lot of physical pain - acute bladder pain from IC/PBS (Interstitial Cystitis / Painful Bladder Syndrome), then joint pain all over, especially in my hands/wrists, feet/ankles, knees and shoulders. We discovered the joint-pain may be related to a vitamin deficiency caused by the IC/PBS diet, which also prohibits vitamin supplements - and pain killers.

So I've been dealing with a lot of pain - raw.

A week ago last night - just about sunset, I was asked to put some trust that it will end soon. One week - until sunset Monday (4/9). Then the constant pain would go away. I just needed to Trust Yeshua.

I wear a medallion that matches the image in this post, as a reminder that I need to Trust Him more often.

When I got home from work yesterday, I still wondered if the pain would go away. I wasn't that "good" with the diet on Sunday, as I had a few jelly beans and had WAY too many cookies. Worse, I had a few cups of coffee (STRONGLY prohibited on the IC/PBS diet) yesterday morning. By the end of the day, I was in all sorts of pain, including the addition of a debilitating sinus migraine that had my left eye squinted shut and my upper teeth throbbing.

As I minced my way through dinner and crawled into bed early, the words: Trust me; just TRUST me, kept bouncing through my head. My mind tried to argue if I was so bad on the diet and had this vicious headache, how could I be pain-free by sunset? But in the end, I trusted, closing my eyes to sleep just as the sun disappeared beneath the horizon.

Today I woke up with no pain, no ache, no headache. It's been several hours and I've had another three cups of coffee - with no residual bad affects. I've jogged up and down staircases today with no thought to the pain, where I was half-stepping in agony like a crippled old woman because of the pain in my knees. Can this be for real???

This is AWESOME!!!

Granted, I will be the first to admit, I still have a long way to go to completely place my trust 100% in Yeshua, but these little moments are well worth singing about. Not because I trusted; because He granted me a sign that He is still with me, helping me and watching over me.

He loves me and I'm more grateful for this than any words can express...

Thank you, dear Yeshua! I Love You, big Brother! :D

Cookies!

This is a fun follow up to what I had posted in my Ash Wednesday post. In it, I had written:

And I am not alone; Yeshua (Jesus) is with me. I had a cute image shared, where Yeshua lifts up a younger sibling so they could reach the cookie jar high on the shelf. It's something a big brother would do for those He loves.

Where will Lent take me on the journey this year? I don't know. But with Yeshua at my side, it will be something wonderful.

Maybe there will be cookies too.
:D

I sincerely believe God has a sense of humor and gives us a few little smiles in life; sometimes it's subtle but still observable. This past Sunday, we reached the end of Lent. Because I couldn't have any jelly beans or chocolate due to my IC/PBS, my husband thought to give me a treat by baking me homemade sugar cookies.

So yes - there WERE cookies! :)

I re-read the Ash Wednesday post yesterday and asked my husband last night if he had read it. He never did. This was something ... inspired. :)

New Thoughts

The last two days, I've noted an increase in new thoughts that don't readily seem to fit my normal thought patterns. I have had these types of thought before, but generally not as frequent as they have been recently. Whether these are inspired by the Spirit or are just a new way of thinking, I don't know. At the moment, I am leaning on the former, as they seem to present a valuable message to another. Even so, I remain very hesitant to share them unless they are accompanied by very strong emotions when I just end up blurting something out.

There were two I distinctly recall from yesterday, both within a span of minutes while I was busy with the kitchen crew as we cleaned up following the Sunrise Service breakfast.

The minister came into the kitchen for a damp paper towel. The Sunrise Service took place at a nearby lake and, with the misting morning weather, the soil was damp and clung to his shoes. He told us as he scrubbed them that he spent time cleaning and polishing them for Easter service and how his mother would scold him if she saw the shoes now. The thought that came to my mind, however, was this: If it was not for the soil, where would the seeds be planted? 

It felt like I was being asked to speak these words, but I held back. Fearful. Stubborn. After all, who was I in grimy stained clothes, my disordered hair pinned back into a ponytail, with no education in being a minister, to speak these words to a well-loved and well-respected minister? Especially as this wasn't even my church; I was a visitor here...

The words echoed through my head a number of times. I could see they were not really accusatory; they contained both love, and a gentle reminder about where his focus should be: the people, not appearances. But my lips remained still as I stood there wrestling with the thoughts. My own stubbornness and fear cost us both that blessed moment.

The second moment happened soon afterwards. Interestingly, the thought started repeating in my head before the occasion to use it arrived. I was scrubbing down the 10-burner stove with a kitchen rag.  and the thought: I don't leave my mother's stove in such condition. Why would I leave a stove in my Father's house in such sad shape?

A few minutes later my mother-in-law, as well as several others, kept telling me that I shouldn't work so hard at cleaning the stove. After all, it was a disgusting mess when we got there in the morning. More, we only used four burners, not all ten. I pointed out that the scrambled egg did splatter and dribble a bit while we were cooking. Many came over to tell me to stop. It became more and more annoying, moreso because I had that thought bouncing through my head wanting to come out. Finally I had it and wanted to finish the stove without further interruption. So I blurted out to someone: "Look at it this way: If I don't leave my mother's stove in this condition, why would I leave our Father's stove that way?" My voice, especially when I am upset, is loud and carries far. There was no further arguments from anyone in the kitchen.

Granted, I spent the next few minutes scolding myself that I screwed up on the words. It was supposed to be "the stove in our Father's house" not "our Father's stove." I often get that kind of backlash when I do speak these thoughts. :P

I will also admit, despite the hesitation it was easier to speak to the rest of the kitchen crew; we were on the same level. I wish I had more courage as the first thought was a nugget that was lost...

I'm T...

On Saturday before heading out for the weekend, I followed some of the people who follow me on Twitter. There was one that was an obvious "porn" account and may have been an auto-follow to my account. Often I just ignore the sales accounts, and debate following these accounts. If it's just a lot of "come see my website" or sales pitches for other things, I'll ignore it. But once in a while, there is an account with content, even if not much. This was one of the latter.

I had clicked the Follow button and immediately was hit with the "what will other people think about me" syndrome. Given what I had just written in this blog less than an hour before, I fought to let it roll.

This morning, I received a DM (direct message) from this person. Granted, I don't know if this person is even male or female, let alone the age. Their message read:

• Im Nina38e, a hot curvy cam girl with huge natural 38jj breasts. come check me out on my cam:

Pretty much anyone can see it's bogus (the breast size, not necessarily the webcam, which I will not click to see). First, it's amusing how Nina goes from 38e to 38jj. And natural? LoL This person may not have swelled mammary glands, but does have a swelled head.

Humor aside, I felt sad for this person. To them, lies are needed to feel wanted, important in this world. Worse, it focuses on the physical appearance rather than the person itself.

While still half-asleep this morning, I skimmed my messages, but only replied to one. The one from @Nina38e. While just following in the swing of the moment, I replied to her message with one of my own:

• I'm T, I have natural 38-DDD that I find a pain in the ass. So I don't need to see yours. :P Otherwise, how are you today? :)

That's the simple truth. Yes, I can be blunt and do use swear words when I believe they are appropriate. And yes, I find being "naturally well-endowed" a bother. Clothing doesn't fit right, I pop work blouse buttons when I sneeze, the weight pulls viciously on the spine, and I can't wait to get out of the bra at the end of the day because it feels like a corset. Plus, now that I'm starting to reach the half-century mark, they are sagging like two bags of overripe apples. I've had them squeezed, squished and mashed for annual and semi-annual mammographies since I was 35, because my baseline showed several irregularities and my mother (also naturally well-endowed) had breast cancer - both sides - before menopause.

Personally, I'd prefer the standard "B" if I actually had a choice. But I don't have a choice; it's how God made me. So I laugh about it and live with it, because - quite frankly - God cares more about what's inside than outside.

Which goes back to Nina, whomever (s)he may be...

Yeshua (Jesus) didn't dismiss someone who was in a similar trade at the time. Pharisees and others criticized Him because he associated with tax collectors and prostitutes. Who am I to do any different?

My DM attempted to dismiss the physical attributes of this person while opening the door to get to know the real person behind the account better. Will it work? I don't know. But I will never know until I try.

Blinding Fear

It's amazing how much fear plays a part in my decisions. I thought I was brave. Though others have mentioned my courage, there is still a great deal of fear...

...including how I perceive what others may think about me.

Yes, "perceive." I really don't know the future. Nor do I truly understand what others think about me now. I just have this overwhelming sense that I will make a fool of myself - again. I will be humiliated - again. That I will be rejected - again.

The scars of the outcast child are still with me decades later.

But that is part of what I am to learn here, including this blog. I am to learn that what others think of me does not really matter and should not play a part in the decisions I make. More, what I perceive what others may think of me doesn't matter either; in fact, that is nothing more than a fear with no foundation. It doesn't exist.

Yet for a long time I have let it guide my decisions. Even during times when I knew with certainty what I was being guided by the Spirit to do, I held back. Afraid. Trembling. Yes, literally trembling with fear. Why? Because I focused on what I believed others would think of me. It paralyzed me.

And yet, it doesn't even exist...

Pretty foolish when I really think about it logically. But that is the truth of the matter. A fear based on something that doesn't exist has stopped me from sharing wonders and blessings with the world.

It has stopped me from being happy too, for it's in that sharing where my joy lies.

There is one thing I have been observing over the last few days. Emotions tell a larger story. If I am sad, lonely, depressed, fearful, trepidatious, anxious or uneasy about something, I really - sincerely - need to look at my thoughts. Something is wrong.

When I am doing what God wants me to do, I am happy, or at least am at peace. When I find that I am doing something that I believe God wants me to do, but it's not, I will experience the symptoms listed in the paragraph above. But when I follow my Guide, even when I find myself doing something contrary to what I believe God wants me to do (such as getting rest for a healing body instead of scrubbing the bathroom tiles or tweeting), if there is Peace or Joy, it is truly what God wants of me at that moment.

It's the "at that moment" part that is so critical. Too often I look ahead, look into the past, or even spend time in my mind imagining what I will say or do in a certain situation, even when there's no possibility of that situation ever happening! As an outcast, I had no where to go but inside my mind.

Now I need to look outside; I need to connect with others and - most importantly - live in the moment. Now. Not the past; not the future. Now!

It is only in the present that the Spirit can guide us. If I am too busy looking at the future or the past, I will miss the cues with which I am blessed. I may not even notice them disappearing, like the soft fluttering of dove's wings on a busy city street.

Dusting Off My Kneecaps

OK. I know I haven't written here often. I know I should. I know that it's for my benefit. But...

There is no "buts," or at least there shouldn't be any. I have no real excuse. So it's time I stop the pouting, pick myself back up, and start again.

Easter is a good time for that. Right?