Time with God

What if you got a message that God wanted to meet you and sit a spell with you? What if you were told God is sitting on the front porch, front steps (or as we say in NYC, "front stoop") right now?

Would you be thrilled? Would you be happy? Would you be afraid? Would a jumble of all these well up inside?

When I was told God wanted to meet with me outside, just to sit outside the front door, I went beside myself. Part of me was joyous that God wanted to spend time with me. Part of me had that sinking feeling and the question, "What did I do wrong...?"

I dragged my feet. I mentally batted around the doubt that the request was real. I checked my email. I took my time getting dressed. But that request remained opened, the feeling inside confirmed it.

God was waiting.

So I went out to face the news, ready for a recrimination that I had not only did something to merit this talking to, but also that I've now had the audacity to keep God waiting. :(

But God wasn't waiting to yell at me or punish me. God simply wanted to spend time together, just the two of us. Sunrise seemed the perfect peaceful moment that God wanted to share with me. And the invitation wasn't just open to me, but to all of God's Children - each and every one of us.

Do we dare to set aside the time, before the crazy clutter of our routine and schedules? Before all the dark thoughts of doubt and fear block the bright thoughts from our mind, we can make a choice. We can take a few moments to sit with God just outside the front door, or we can try to tackle the day by ourselves.

Which will be more successful?

By request, I now spend some moments with God outside my front door daily. Some days I shiver, as frost lines the plants and steps around me.  Some days I shiver, as God's Peace fills me and gives me the strength and confidence to face my day. Some days I shiver, at the sheer wonder of the Blessing it is to sit with God for a quiet moment. No prayers. No requests. No apologies for the mistakes I've done. No demands. Often, no words at all. Just the two of us sitting side-by-side, sharing the moment. It is exhilarating!

And I invite you to do the same.

It is definitely worth it!

Images: Top from xroads.virginia.edu. The rest from the internet: sources unknown.

Saints and Begorrah

Growing up in the Catholic faith, I was surrounded by reminders of the saints: from paintings in the classrooms, to statues in the church next door, to studies of the various lives of saints across history, to the collection my mother had around the house. She even recently buried a statue of a saint on my deceased brother's property to quickly sell it. I have never understood that part of the Catholic faith.

If anything, my understanding of saints were that they were one more layer between me and God - and it wasn't an observation I treasured. Through the eyes of a child's ego, there was a pecking order that I learned:

• God the Father
• Jesus the Son
• Holy Spirit
• Angels (7 tiers)
• Mary (Mother of Christ)
• Saint Peter
• The other Apostles
• Saint Paul (formerly Saul)
• Other Saints
• The Pope
• Cardinals
• Archbishops
• Bishops
• Monsignors
• Priests
• Nuns
• Holy Men
• Holy Women
• Lowly sinners
• me

There is a lot of "red tape" between me and God. Thus, it was practically impossible to access God's ear. I'd have a better chance walking into a large corporation unknown and getting to talk with the CEO right away. Sometimes I wondered, why would God WANT to hear from me? He had all these other important people in line ahead of me.

I was also frustrated that all these other people, with their own ideas, perspectives and opinions, would add to, filter, or otherwise influence any message that may be sent down to me. There was no intimacy between God an myself, but all those "middle managers." In the years following, I learned to change that list:

• God (Father/Jesus/Spirit) as One
• (through the intercession of the Spirit)
• me

This simplified things and invited me to actively seek and participate in a meaningful conversation and develop a RELATIONSHIP with God. For a time, that worked.

For a time...

Yeshua (Jesus) has been pushing me to open my prayers to incorporate others. Not only praying for others (which I do); He means praying TO others - the saints and Mary.

I've gone back to praying the rosary, but to take petitions to St. Jude, Mary or others seems... foreign to me. Saying pre-written prayers seems cold and lifeless (spirit-less), and I wrestle with the parallel of praying to a "Saint of Such-and-Such" and the practices I've seen in pagan worship. They really are not so different...

Yeshua's answers to my arguments is that the saints are not needed for God and I to communicate. It is not a "ladder" (what I call "pecking order"). But the saints and Mary WANT to help us. Our prayers open us / our lives to that help.

I guess it is not dissimilar to when God works through another in this life, where (S)He is able to accomplish something just fine without our help. Because we WANT to help, God enables us and works through us.

We also need to be open to God's help in order to receive it ourselves. So it may be the same for the saints and Mary.

I learned that there is a point from which God, Yeshua, and others who have "gone before" us, actually exist beyond time. So to be able to affect things in "our time" is quite possible.

Yeshua has taught me that I am connected with all my brothers and sisters - past, present and future.

Maybe it is as simple as when I ask another online to say a prayer to help me through an IC/PBS flare or similar issue in life. We are all brothers and sisters...

... even beyond time.

+       +        +

Saints and Begorrah

Saints and By God

:D

Back in School

September is traditionally "Back-to-School" month here. As adults, some of us "rest on our laurels" when we are finished our formal education, believing we've finally finished learning.

And then - sometimes right away or sometimes many years later - we notice that the "laurels" upon which we  rest aren't growing as wide as our backsides upon which we also rest.

Continuing formal education is not an option for many, especially with the high cost of tuition and associated fees, or due to time constraints with job and/or family. But we should not let that stop us from learning. As we learn, we grow.

One of my favorite ways to learn has always been through books. I am comfortable with them; they have been a trusted friend since I was young - even the pile I was forced to read for all those English/Literature classes. Well... I never DID make it to the end of Jane Eyre. :P

Sometimes I try to go through the more educational tomes as well as the collection of fantasy books and fiction I enjoy reading for fun. I still haven't figured out who moved my cheese?

I would be remiss if I didn't mention the pile of "For Dummies" books on my desk at work. Since switching to Windows 7 (from XP) and to Microsoft Office 2010 (from 2003), I find myself in a world of frustration playing hide-and-go-seek with buttons and other features. But I continue to learn the technology too.

A new way I learn is via interactive conversations with others online, such as emails or chat. I also have started a love affair with the blog - both in writing and reading others. Even when I don't leave a comment, I still learn. It's like a coffee-shop classroom, where we learn from each other virtually, even though we never say a word face-to-face.

There is also the time needed to let it all sink in. I need to set aside some time out of my busy day (or extend that day by getting up a bit earlier) and ask the Spirit within to be my teacher. I need to understand what God wants me to learn from all that I see, hear, read, and experience. Osmosis doesn't always work; learning takes place at a much deeper level.

Over the past two weeks, I've connected with a young man in India who is studying to be a Catholic priest.

While he expresses his amazement that God has connected him with someone who brings much for him to learn, the fact has not been lost on me that it's a two-way street. I've started to learn many things from him as well.

I now have an opportunity to learn how to teach through interaction with others, and I found a stepping stone that Yeshua (Jesus) has given me.

 

Those that read my blog regularly know that I have many gripes about the Catholic Church, and have been quite vocal about it here. I also know Yeshua wants me reconciled with the Church. I don't know why, but because He asks it, I want to do so. This opportunity that has been placed before me is a learning experience.

September is back-to-school month, and Yeshua definitely has a hand in my curriculum. Of that, I am both very glad and quite grateful.

:D

Quantum Leap

In last night's dreams, I lived a few moments of others' lives, people I've never met before. This has happened previously, giving me a chance to see many different walks of life.

The dreams are like an old TV-show called Quantum Leap, where the main character jumps into the life of another, any part of the world, any time period, male or female. There's a few minutes of complete confusion, as he figures out who he is and what's happening.

However, I don't have an assistant that no one sees with a blinking Lego-like device in his hand reading off the stats and information. It is there, though, in my mind. For those few minutes, I AM the person, sharing their memories. Yet, I hold those memories long after I wake up.

Some memorable and very detailed snippets include:

• a child huddles on a mattress against the wall in a war-torn country; the skittering sounds of insects cross the floor in the waiting silence, and there is a taste of dust from the air
• a young child sits half-bored as his grandfather tells of  past snowball fights using trash-can lids as shields; behind the bored look, the nugget of an idea "I can do that too" blooms
• a girl, just about to leave high school and go to college, still struggles to understand who she is inside, when all her friends seem to know who they are and enjoy life to the fullest
• an exhilarating ride on a roller-coaster through the dark with lights all around is followed by a friend's nudge and nod to ride it again
• a pregnant mother sits quietly in a warm sunbeam, as she caresses her barely extended middle and wonders what her daughter's life will be, imagining both wonders and worries
• a young mother at her wits end and the verge of tears, tries to manage three wild preschool-aged children in her care, exhausted and desperate for help with no where to turn
• a father enjoys his weekend with the kids, playing games well into the night, despite the backlash he will receive from his ex-wife; this is his time to hear about their lives and see the light shining in their young eyes
• a mother colors pages with her two children at the table very recently cleared of dinner plates; it was a long day at work and school, and they share a moment of fun, trying to ignore the dishes, homework and work brought home that anxiously await their attention
• a woman in a ghetto prays right after her half-grown son left to seek vengeance, sweating in fear as tears stream down her cheeks; she half-expects the knock to announce news that he was shot, but desperately prays that it would not be so
• a father helps his daughter move out on her own, proud of the woman she has become but still wonders who will be there to watch over and protect her when she is so far away from him
• a woman, working as a store clerk and depending on sales commission, paces the store floor and worries about the bills at home; the store is empty of customers - again
• a man works on a bridge, trusting his full weight to straps and clips as he arm-wrestles a rusted bolt loose and ignores the churning water and boats passing several hundred feet below his dangling boots
• a woman enjoys a moment of peace and solitude away from her office job, gazing at a lone dandelion growing in a sparse bit of green; she then decides to share the remainder of her sandwich with the birds fluttering at her feet and in overhead tree branches; the gentle breeze that rustles the leaves is filled with the songs of city life
• a middle-aged man walks through the temptations of goodies in the workplace cafeteria, after he promised his wife he'd stick to a diet; a major guilt trip follows two oreo cookies, making them taste like sawdust
• a middle-aged woman sits for a spell, speaking to her neighbor on the steps of her home in a low-income neighborhood; after trading news, she's accepts the invitation into the neighbor's kitchen, where they share a cup of  tea - and some good gossip
• an older man tries to find work, knowing he competes against younger candidates fresh out of college with the latest IT skills (and even the HR person is young); thoughts about what to say to the family when THIS job falls through dance in the mind, making it harder to understand the questions
• a person atop a mountain range, snow bright peaks all around, pushes back the faux-fur lined hood to feel the sunshine and cold breeze touch a bare head; the frosty air inhaled is a moment of pure bliss after a long fight to survive cancer, eyes close in wonder of the moment of life
• a homeless man on the street huddles in an large three-sided box with one open side against the brick wall, listening half-asleep for footsteps that may help or harm
• a man rejoices in his lover's embrace, exhausted and excited, following a long wedding day, looking forward to a life together
• a woman in a shelter rooms with three strangers, where she cannot sleep but cannot leave to go for a calming walk either, or she will loose her place where it is warm, so many strange sounds and smells surround her
• an elderly woman shares a can of cat food with her only companion, a white cat with a blotch of brownish-black on its back: a companion very much loved and of which she is so very grateful to have in this cold world, so she uses the "good dishes"
• a gentle smile and warm feeling grows in an old man, as a widow makes it clear that she is interested; no matter how old and bald, there's still life inside that someone wants to know better

How easy is it for me to look at another's life and judge a situation from my own perspective? How often have I stepped back and looked at things through their eyes instead?

.

There is far too much to experience in this life than one person can do. Can you imagine what the planner would look like if we did? But we are not alone; we can learn from each other, as simple as genuinely listening. 

.

Together we can shine like we can never do alone!

Hour of the Wolf

In Babylon 5, there's a description of a time of desperation and courage. One of the characters defines it as the Hour of the Wolf, between 3 and 4 am, in the middle of the night when wolves are at your door.

Two things popped into mind when I heard that: (1) I like wolves; one may say they are a totem animal of mine. (2) 4 am is my time with Yeshua, immediately following what some say is the darkest part of the night. A third item followed days later, 3 am parallels 3 pm, the hour Christ died on the cross.

At 3 am last night, I got up to pee. Noting the time, I chuckled, wobbling half- asleep to the bathroom and back. It's the hour of the wolf. I looked into the shadows of the apartment - without fear.

At 4 am, I woke and was told to sleep and dream. This was a night for one of the lesson dreams. For the sake of brevity, I will not share all of it, but the key part.

We were aware of wolves outside, but were safe indoors. I glanced out windows hoping to catch a glimpse of them. It was twilight before the dawn. 

Three men entered, carrying someone severely attacked. The legs were gone, and the mind was driven mad. I tried to touch one of the hands that flailed wildly. I got a flash that there was a different "wolf" within this poor victim as well, a possession of sorts. One of the men there said he had not "seen an attack this bad since the rise of New Germany".

Without thinking, I shoved the gatherers aside, placed my hands on the victim's chest and reached for God. There was a sense for the first time within me -   I   can   do   this   ! The bleeding stopped instantly. The moans stopped with the pain.

The eyes snapped open and glared at me. I firmly commanded - Out! It tried to ensnare my mind: I am a simple human after all, I cannot command it to leave. I had none of it. God held my hand and I was a child of God's. Out! Now!

With a shriek, it left. The victim was stabilized and rapidly healing. Suddenly drained and very tired, I took a few steps to the side.

My birth mother approached me and said I did that. Then she pointed to the other miracles I worked unwitnessed in the dream. I was a miracle worker!

I turned to her and replied quietly but firmly, "God works miracles, not me. Regardless of form, it is always God."

I walked outside, tired and drained. Heading across the compound for another building, I recalled the wolves outside. But God was still with me. So I bravely walked through the twilight and crossed in front of a locked-up building. A low growl came from the darkness under the trees...

In the valley of the darkness

I will fear no evil

For God is with me.

In the valley of the twilight, when evil approaches with a wolf's menacing growl...

 ... I climbed the drainpipe like a squirrel.

I woke up, shaking a bit. There is still more to learn of Faith and placing my full Trust in God.

*** Images from the internet. Final image: by Dark Natasha, website unknown. Others: sources unknown.

Lord's Prayer

English-speaking Christians may know the Lord's Prayer akin to the following, which I had memorized as a child even before entering school:

 Our Father,

Who art in Heaven,

Hallowed be Thy name.

Thy Kingdom come.

Thy will be done,

On Earth

As it is in Heaven.

Give us this day

Our daily bread.

And Forgive us our sins,

As we forgive

The trespasses of others.

Lead us not into temptation,

But deliver us from evil.

[For Thine is the Kingdom,

And the Power,

And the Glory,

For ever and ever.

Amen.]

Without  understanding, I memorized it. No child in the early 1970's used terms like "Thy and Thine," and forget about  "Hallowed." But I dutifully memorized it and prayed it often, learning to incorporate it into the rosary.

Over the years, my studies have lead me to see many things through different eyes, but I never questioned the words from this prayer, antiquated though they are. It wasn't until recently that I've studied the words as they were originally spoken in Aramaic - and my Aramaic is even less fluent than my Hebrew. :P There are many different "direct translations" from Aramaic to English, from "O Cosmic Birther" to "may your utmost shine in the highest vibrations." ~~~ Eh?

Though we are all interconnected, interwoven in this tapestry of life, we each still hold a unique perspective. The Spirit within can teach us from this point, even things that are outside our perspective.

If I don't understand something I read or hear today, I turn to Yeshua and ask Him point-blank, "What did you mean by this?"

The answer immediately blossoms in my mind, or sometimes I need to re-read a passage until something clicks. Yet, I must relinquish my preconceived notions, today's definitions of the words (reading English - a language Yeshua never spoke), and decades of teachings. My mind needs to be blank to allow a real understanding to enter.

For me, this is how I have come to understand the Lord's Prayer. For others, it may differ, based on spiritual backgrounds.

Our Creator and Parent,

Who exists both here

and Paradise,

Holy is Your names.* 

The Kingdom is here

When Your Will is done,

Connecting Earth

To Heaven.

Please let us have each day

That which we do need.**

Let our mistakes

Die with the past,

When we do the same

With the mistakes of others,

So they exist no more.

Please lead us away from

Things we do not need,

And thoughts that

Lead us away from You,

Both of which

Bind us to this world.

Please, bring us Home.

For the Kingdom is Yours.

All power is Yours.

All glory is Yours.

Not ours.

Now and for all time.

I believe this with all my heart.***

* Though grammatically incorrect, I did mean multiple names, one God, one of many divine paradoxes.

** Food, water, shelter, protection from elements, and - of course - Love.

*** The meaning of "Amen," akin to "So be it" and "Be it so."

What does the Lord's Prayer mean to you when you ask the Spirit within your soul?

Images: All from the internet. Black & white one with Christ and girl reading: GoodSalt.com. The rest: Source Unknown.

Bodily Blessings

Like many, I was taught to say a blessing before meals. Granted, sometimes that blessing would only be on Thanksgiving, Easter and Christmas dinners. But the words were the same:

Bless us, O Lord,

And these thy gifts

That we are about to receive

From thy bounty

Through Christ, our Lord

Amen.

My husband and I now pray every meal together in ANY location, even sitting in Burger King. We use the same words as above, but then add additional things we are thankful for at that given moment (safe travel, good weather, friends, family, etc.).

Since getting married, I've incorporated this into when I dine alone, regardless if it's a very early breakfast or working through lunch at my desk. I stop and pray silently, even at a meeting with clients.

While learning how to heal -- and accept healing -- a few changes have been asked. When I "say grace," I am to continue to express my gratitude for all the blessings I've received. But I also need to learn to bless that which I consume - the food and drink. Thus:

Bless, O Lord,

These thy gifts

That we are about to receive

From thy bounty

Through Christ, our Lord

Amen.

To help change my perspective, I was also given this to add: "Please bless this food so that it is worthy to enter and help support this vessel in which Your Spirit dwells."

In addition to food and drink, there is another vital element that our bodies need in this world: air.

 

I have never thought about blessing the air. Often I just take it for granted, as I consume it 24/7/365.

In asking for some direction of how to bless the air, I was given: "Please bless this air, so that it may help heal this body and all that breathe it." This is to be done every morning as I wake up, each time I enter a room, and each time I go outside.

I may forget to change the meal blessings, and I almost always forget to bless the air. Yet it is essential to my body's maintenance. I can go without food for days, and without drink for hours. I can only go without air for a string of seconds...

When I forgot, I have pain and illness. Yet when I remember... the air feels cleaner, the food tastes richer, and my body feels whole.

Food for thought...

and prayer. 

***Images: From the Internet, sources unknown.

Dear Diary

To save time and space, I will completely separate my two blogs. I will no longer post duplications.

For stories and things I want to share publicly, please see my other blog: Evening Star Aglow.

For thoughts on my spiritual growth and development, I will continue to blog here.

Thanks for your continued readership.

** Image: Source unknown.

 

Adonai

Years ago, I was given the name  "Yeshua" to use when speaking to Christ, which means "to rescue, deliver." The name "Jesus" derives from the Greek name "Iesous." The letter "J" never came into use until 1524 AD.

Of course with saying "Jesus" for several decades, coupled with my Anglic-American accent, it comes out, "Jesh-u-a." He actually smiles at this. My fumbling with Hebrew has brought other mutual smiles and laughter too.

Correct pronunciation is "Ye-shu-a," or "Ye-ho-shu-ah" for Hebrew. I think there's an extra character for that. I often forget that the first character when reading Hebrew is on the right, not the character that looks like "y" on the left. :P

Last year I received a ring that reads, "Yeshua Hamasiach," which translates as "Jesus the Messiah." I wear it on my right-hand ring finger with my wedding band on my left.

Over the last few months, though, another Hebrew term has crossed my mind. When I think "Yeshua" (with the correct pronunciation :P), there's been an echo in my mind with the word: "Adonai."

Well, given my extensive knowledge of Hebrew (of which wouldn't fill a thimble), I turned to the internet and found this great website that actually has the spoken pronunciations as well as the meanings. Did you know that there are several versions of the Hebrew word for "Lord"?

The first sound was for "Adon", so I skipped that and went to the first "Adonai: The Lord". But the sound was different than the one in my mind. It had a long "I" sound rather than a long "A" sound at the end.

Another that caught my ear was "Adoni: My Lord," which had a long "E" sound. This seemed to resonate with my soul, as well. Though it was with an "E" rather than "A" sound.

I went through the group, the closest I could match was "Adonei ha-adonim: The Lord of Lords."

So, my guess for "Yeshua Adonei" (correctly spelled :P) is "Jesus the Lord." Maybe "Adonai" (with the long A) is for Yeshua's Abba, "THE Lord." (*Shug*) I am still learning. :D

So much to learn
So much to see
Wonderful nuggets
Found amidst humanity

Brain Tickles

A few years ago, I've started feeling an odd sensation that I refer to as "brain tickles." It's a similar sensation when feeling first returns to a part of the body that has gone numb. But it doesn't ever reach the "pins and needles" pain.

At first, this brought me a great deal of worry and concern, panic even! My little brother had a cerebral AVM, which would bleed into his brain from time to time. Feeling something that may be a trickle within my own brought these fears, but nothing else: no headaches, no seizures, nothing bad. It was simply a feather-light touch in my cranium.

The first few times, I was told, "Don't worry. It's God's touch. It will not harm you." Even with this, there was great fear, including thoughts that whatever it was would eventually kill me...

But that changed over the years. Now... I smile each time I feel it.

There is no correlation with what I am doing at the moment it happens. I could be driving, walking, praying, working on inventory reports, talking to someone on the phone, reading, or just veging in front of the television. It happens when it happens, not when I will it to, or even when I think about it. Through trial and failure, I cannot get it to start, no matter what I try, including intense prayer for it to happen.

I guess it is true: God knocks when God knocks, not when we are ready and waiting for it.

When I am not afraid, and I am not fighting it... There is Love. There is Peace. There is an inner smile. There's a sensation, that God is saying "hi" to me, and I often pause from whatever I am doing and take the time to say "hi" back.

It may well be just a simple confirmation that God is there with us. It may be an invitation to prayer, to be still and spend a few moments with God. Perhaps the Creator is rewiring the firmware so I would work more aligned with His Plan. I know my perspective has been changing over the last few years as well.

Whatever the brain tickle may be, it's a reminder that God is not done with me, but is still working in accordance with God's Plan. :D