Why the tears?

If someone understands this, please share what you know. I seek to understand, to learn, to grow.

I had a coupon from Friendly's that gave me a free sundae with purchase for my birthday. Today, the day before my birthday, I planned to attend a monthly HR-networking breakfast at Friendly's, a perfect opportunity to use it. I'd have lunch with the purchase of my breakfast, even if it wasn't a healthy lunch. :P

Last night I got news my old Jeep's transmission and exhaust system may need to be replaced. The radio is still dead but is so low on the priority list, I don't think it will ever be fixed. I volunteered not to go my breakfast, to save some money toward the repairs.

My husband convinced me to go; we'll find the money somehow. I scraped up some cash and loose change. I'd have to use his even-older, rusting van, but at least it would not die on the highway. I was up early, even having a bit of time to blog. I  looked forward to that belgium waffle and ice cream sundae today!

On the way out the door, I forgot the aforementioned coupon. (Doh!) So I parked in an empty spot closer to our apartment door and ran in. On the way back out, I saw one of my elderly neighbors at her door watching me climb into my husband's van. I explained that my Jeep had died.

She came out to say how bad she felt for our predicament. She's seen me in pain over the last several months. Recently, news traveled through our community that the latest semi- annual $60/month hike (bringing our rent to nearly $1500/month for 720 square feet with one toilet!) is forcing my husband and I to move out, as soon a we can find a place we CAN afford.

Then she shared her own troubles. Her sister, who lives her, has continued to have severe back pain. There is no cure and the pain medication injection is only given four times per year. It lasts only a month each time. So there are many more months of agonizing pain. This morning, her sister couldn't get out of bed. Plus yesterday she had fallen - again. This time on the sidewalk and the bruises and scrapes covered her thin arms painfully. That is what could be seen outside of the modest nightclothes they both wore. The sister who's been the care-taker is at her wit's end with worry and exhaustion. She was in tears, not knowing what else she could do. By the end she kept apologizing for not "being herself"...

That really puts my own troubles into perspective. We struggle, but we haven't hit that wall yet. :*(

By the time I reached Friendly's, the breakfast had been served. I didn't bother to go in. Instead, I drove to a local supermarket and picked up two bouquets of flowers, one for each sister. I left them anonymously tucked into their apartment door. I would have spent the same money on the breakfast. The coupon... would have just added to my hips, right?

I understand some of what happened this morning. The Spirit used my situation to create something beautiful. There was a neighbor who needed to speak with someone, to reach out. Had my Jeep not died, had my husband not convinced me to go anyway, had I not forgotten that coupon... I would not been in the right place and time that God and that neighbor needed me to be.

This much I understand. I generally don't share all the little things I do in life. I don't want to brag and I believe in the request to do good things "hidden." The reason I share this in particular is that I would like some help understanding myself.

What I DON'T understand - and please help me if you do - why am I in tears when I got to the office this morning. I made excellent use of the funds I had in my pocket. Or at least I think I did...

But I cannot get past the remorse that I am at a loss. Shouldn't there be joy when you help another? And there's this wonderful streak of mischievousness when you can get it done with no one the wiser. Why does the missed waffle and ice-cream seem to hurt me so much this morning? I've given up other things in my life. Why should this hurt so bad in particular? 

Am I being selfish? Is it because it was my birthday celebration (even if just a sundae)?

Thoughts danced in my head with the tears, reminding me that I will not have a birthday gathering at work. This year it's because I can't eat anything that one uses to make into a cake. Last year, only one person in the entire building showed up, and I purchased the watermellon roll from Friendly's myself.

I need to let go of the past, but sometimes there is such pain in the present too. Why can I not let go of these tears? I really can't be crying over a stupid waffle, can I???

Of course, I prayed about this. I got some inner peace and calmness, but no answer. At least no direct answer. It was suggested that I blog about it, so I am hoping that one of you has the answer I seek.

Why the tears? How can I get my mind to shift to things that matter and let go of the little "rewards" I give myself in life? How do I get over not getting a birthday breakfast? This is such a STUPID thing to cry about! But I still make inroads on the tissue box today.

This time I don't think I can blame menopause...