Follow Up

This is a follow up to the procedure I had yesterday. All went well, very well. I tried the two-thought method and didn't have any pain. Really! The doctor and nurse were amazed, saying I didn't even flinch. No painkillers and wide awake. I just focused my mind away and tried to see Christ in the doctor.

Apparently, I need a bit more discipline to continue that process. When I got home and went to empty my bladder, I practically SCREAMED in pain. OK. Now I know that I need to focus on nailing the pain to the cross each time I urinate - at least for a while. Practice makes perfect, right?
.

It does help when I focus my mind. It hurt initially in the middle of the night, when I was half-asleep, and when my mind is distracted by something else. It really does have a lot to do with how we focus. Interesting.

But when I do focus correctly, the pain is gone. Gone to the point I forget I will feel pain and then get a sudden painful surprise next trip to the bathroom. Pain is said to be a good teacher. Perhaps I will learn where to focus my mind through this experience.

Otherwise, the exam turned up nothing wrong except for some long technical term that the doctor translated as "irritable bladder." So my cranky organ needs to be coddled a bit with a change in diet - at least temporary. No spicy foods, no caffeine (including chocolate!), no alcohol, no tobacco (though I don't smoke), no citric foods (including juices), and lots and lots of water. If that doesn't clear up the pain and problems by the end of January, we may try drugs, but I will always go for natural methods first.

But most important, I will continue to practice focusing my mind on Christ, nail pain to the cross (no more fear), and work toward healing. Christ is said to be the Healer, right? Sometimes minds - or way we think of things - needs to be healed too... 

Seeing Christ in Others

In addition to keeping thoughts of fear and pain nailed to the cross, I was given one other thought to keep in mind today as I face the dread that reared its vile head this morning. That is I need to see my Brother in all others. Today, I need to focus on Christ's spirit working in the doctor that will perform the cystoscopy.

This is simple enough to understand yet I admit not as easy to practice. Christ exists in each of us. He exists in me. He exists in the doctor, regardless of what the doctor believes.

I need to trust that the doctor does not have any malicious intent. He does not want to harm me, he will do what he can to ease any pain or discomfort for me. He performs this procedure to determine why I am in pain and have blood in my urine despite no relief from antibiotics nor any infection from the lab cultures. He's going to get a good look inside to see if there is anything wrong: polyps, tumors, adhesion, or surgical scars from the hysterectomy. From there we can take care of the problem.

Christ can be a beautiful light within the heart and mind of the doctor. He can steady the doctor's hands during the procedure, guide him to the problem and steer his mind to the solution. Even if the doctor is not a Christian; Christ is still within him.
.

I need to be the one to believe.

My faith and my interconnection with others in this world can enable Christ to work in and through others. Yes, we ALL have that ability; it is part of our faith. We don't need to convert them, we need to open OUR eyes to see Christ in them, then His work can truly begin.
.

I admit I have tried this tentatively before and it does work. Even though my mind tells me this is a bigger problem, my heart argues this does not matter. Nothing is impossible for God. It is God's Will that brothers and sisters help one another. This doctor is a brother of mine, helping me. I have the responsibility to likewise help my brother help me, by believing in both him and Christ. By trusting that he means no harm and letting Christ work through him not to harm me but to help me.

May God open my eyes today, so I can see Christ inside the doctor and all around me. Letting His Light shine!

Fear, Pain - Go Away!

I have the cystoscopy today. Fear tickles my mind with dread since I first opened my eyes this morning. I was given two tools to help me today: two simple things to keep in mind. That's it. Plus just a bit of faith.

I need to move my mind away from the fear, the dread, thoughts of torn urethra and ruptured bladder, of pain and agony that exists only in my mind as the future is not now. I am, to use my Brother's words, "to nail those thoughts to the cross." Sounds odd, but I will try my best to do that. With the faith of a mustard seed... 

Essentially all the pain and fear of this world has been overcome in one act - the cross and resurrection. Christ overcame both when he overcame death. We, His brothers and sisters, can have our own fears and pain likewise nailed to that same cross. Our spirits work outside of space and time. Then it is done and gone, leaving only Peace. But this requires Faith. 

Right now, it seems to require a LOT of faith, as my hands tremble fighting the fear. But I am reminded - it is only a little faith that is needed. The mustard seed.

We do not need to fight the fear alone; we do not need to fight the fear at all. Let Christ be our victor for us. Trust Him. He wants to help. He will help if I let Him. I need to let go of my will and let His will be done. Christ does not will that we suffer fear and pain. He loves us too dearly for that. He did not want to experience His own fear and pain, but because He loves us, He did. He knows what it is, shows us that we can overcome it, together with Him. He is holding out His hand to lead the way..

The other item I need to keep in mind, I will speak of in my next blogpost...

Fading Forgiveness

Today the wife of the friend I mentioned in the "Dear John" blogpost emailed me a couple of times. While I considered her both a friend and sister before she walked out on her husband, I became merely "civil" toward her afterwards. I had seen two other women do the same thing to another friend and my little brother, leaving them broken-hearted and sobbing. I was seeing it a third time, and it was still painful to watch.

However, she's also my sister and I hold a responsibility to extend forgiveness to all. It's not just a calling, it's a part of who and what I am. When I don't forgive, I am denying a part of myself.
.

There exists times when I waver in that responsibility.

Today, I was genuinely happy to hear from her; she was a willing ear to listen if I wanted to talk about tomorrow's procedure, the book I am working on or anything else. My fingers had typed many a sentence that was deleted before the email was sent.
.

I remained "civil."

And distant.
.

Part of what held me back was that I followed this world again. Instead of keeping her past actions in the past, I brought them to the forefront of my mind and let them block a connection with a sister. I kept thinking, "What would this guy think of me if I started acting friendly toward the wife that walked out on him? It's been less than 24 hours after he cut me off. I would be seen as one running toward the enemy in his mind."

I am not so foolish to believe that she wasn't aware of the termination of friendship; they have mutual friends that have been keeping each apprised of the other. She likely heard about it and was reaching out to me, knowing that I felt stung.
.

I was merely "nice" and kept most of my emotions and thoughts close without giving her anything save a mention of my cystoscopy appointment tomorrow. I wanted to manipulate the situation so word got back to the guy, letting him know that he not only cast out someone that was a good friend but did it while she was sick! Let's face it; women do this kind of thing, even if subconsciously.

*Sigh*
.

That is really not me. That's the ego! That's the little part that thinks it's me and tries to play this world's games. In all honestly, why should I care what someone thinks - especially when he just declared I am no longer his friend? I only cared because I still feel the need to play a certain role in this life, wear the mask a little longer, to play the game.

I cannot afford to do that anymore.
.

I really can't.

Time is catching up and I am too aware of who I really am. I need to stop these egotistical games. I need to stop caring what other people think about my thoughts and actions and really be who I AM.
.

There are three things I know for certain that I need to do here.

1. Love others unconditionally
2. Forgive others wholeheartedly
3. Erase lines humanity draws, dividing themselves apart

By my own actions, I am failing at all three of these tasks. My Brother is very likely ashamed of me when I act thus! I dread hearing the words, "I am disappointed in you" when they come from Him. Yet I continue to act as though the words and opinions of lesser-knowledgeable people matter more to me.
.

Why?!?
.

I need to stop. NOW! Tonight! Thus I end this stupidity and cast my mask underfoot - like a gauntlet. The challenge is issued. I go to meet it with my head high. I can do better! I WILL do better.

I am who I am called to be and one day Yeshua / Jesus will be proud of me.

Exactly What We Need

In this time of santa's and sales, of long wish lists and shopping for the latest gadget to gift, we often loose sight of the real message wrapped in CHRISTmas. Do unto others as we would have someone do for us.  Love one another. Help one another. Feed His sheep.

I spied this comic strip last Sunday and thanked God that these artists get it! 

 I've typed out the dialog boxes to aid in any online translations:

Box 1: "What I really need is a Maserati."

Box 2: "Dad, I need my own large screen TV in my room."

Box 3: "Dad, our cell phones are, like, 6 months old." "We need new ones."

Box 4" "I know exactly what you need!"

Box 5: Open Door Homeless Shelter & Soup Kitchen

Box 6: "Dad, I'm pretty happy with what I have."

Dear John

Yesterday I received something similar to a "Dear John" letter. While the sender was not my spouse, it was someone I considered a brother. I care for this person as much as I do any of my blood-relations. I helped him through hard and trying times. Now I was tossed aside like a broken tool; "compromised" was the word he used.

I don't have many friends; I never had. I was an outcast as a child, and my family does not understand me. When I find someone that accepts me as a friend, I put all that I have into the relationship. When that friend walks away, it's quite hard on me indeed... Except this time.
.

I remember when I was in high school, I had two friends whom I considered sisters. They turned on me for some unknown reason. A third friend - who I also considered a sister - helped me through their departure. I watched as both became more popular with others in this world now that they no longer associated with the outcast one. Then I lost the one support I had; she is no longer in this world and left it at a young age.

I was crushed!
.

Yesterday, when I got the text message telling me never to contact him again, he was quite angry and accusatory, though I have done nothing wrong. Apparently some friends of his have been telling him that I am a bad influence in his life. He's become reclusive toward me of late. All I did yesterday that provoked the response was ask for his new address so I could send him a Christmas card.

When he sent that message, I went through the emotions of a close-relationship breaking up. I remembered the laughs and conversations we shared. The long pondering chats about many different things. Then my mind pulled up time after time where I put my life on the side to help him, where I took from my meager funds and sent gift cards to make sure he had something to eat, only to hear later on about his widescreen HD TV and his iPad. All the hours I spent on the phone and via chat listening to him work out the problems in his life, paying exorbitant fees out of my pocket because we went over-the-limit on the company-provided cell phone. The times I sat with him long-distance via webcam while he detoxed and didn't want to be alone. I was the shoulder he cried on when his wife left, while the others around him took this as a chance to manipulate his mind further. All the help I provided in job hunts, apartment hunts, completing tax forms and many other things. I wanted to throw all this in his face and say, "Am I that worthless to you? Does none of this matter?"

I didn't.
.

I couldn't. 

It was in the past and didn't matter. I had also seen many other plans we made, of his visiting my state one day, of me visiting his state, of us hanging out together laughing and just being the good friends we were. Gone.

Unlike the days when my sisters turned on me, this time an overwhelming sense of calm rolled over me. After I let the memories roll through my mind, the grievance of what may have been and what was dissipated in this calmness. With all the memories fresh in my mind, I turned to my Brother - who I know with absolute surety will never leave my side - and gave it to Him. After all, this man who was hurt and cutting off good friends for the sake of others in this world, was also His brother too. He will not turn away from either of us. Sometimes He needs to be a bridge between us when we cut others from our life.

I don't know what the future holds for this man, but I do know he is still my brother. He is still a part of me. Cut off as I am, all I can do now is bow my head and pray...

Cystoscopy

With painful urination and lower abdominal pain months following my full hysterectomy, I've started seeing a specialist after several attempts to kill a UTI with antibiotics have resulted in no changes. This Friday I go in for ultrasound and cystoscopy. I read about cystoscopies in detail this morning. When it starts out with measurements of "the diameter of a pencil" and goes up from there, it's a bit disconcerting.

I guess I should be honest here - I AM AFRAID. It's actually hard for me to type those words. I can still be a bit prideful in my pain tolerance. My cramps during menstrual periods have been equated two "second stage labor" where my uterine walls have torn (not just shedding the build-up). After 26 years of that on a monthly basis, I've built up a pain tolerance where I now get my teeth drilled without Novocaine. That's fillings - not root canal - I am not a masochist. I actually don't enjoy pain at all. But I seem to be able to tolerate it to some degree.

When I do have pain for a prolonged period of time, I go to the doctor. I deny them the "easy out" of treating the pain with medication and make them focus on root cause for the pain. I would rather get to the solution rather than "be comfortable." NOT knowing what is wrong scares me.

Even the word "cancer" isn't as scary as the unknown. My family has survived many different kinds of cancer- breast, colon, thyroid, cervical, skin, prostrate, etc. We're a stubborn lot; it has not killed any of us in generations. Granted, other things do, but I do not fear death. I fear the unknown. To me, death is not an unknown. Medical conditions of this body when I don't know what is causing me pain... does scare me.

I will admit that physical pain also frightens me. Not while I experience it, but when I have time to think about it and look forward to it - dread it ... Then pain looms larger in my mind than it actually is. It's amazing what the imagination can do to the psyche. 

I know I can get through this pain, I understand that scaring in my urethra will make the cystoscopy quite painful. I also know - from plenty of prior experiences - that as long as I relax and move my mind away from that area of the body during the procedure, it will hurt a heck of a lot less. But fear of the pain, causes my muscles to clench, clamping down on the urethral tube, hurting it now - days before the procedure will even begin.

When I was 18 months old, back in 1971, my urethra closed and had to be surgically reopened. They had nothing like they do today. There are many scars in the urethra. There are psychological scars too. From that point until I was 16 years old, I had to go to a urologist every 6 months to have the urethra manually "stretched/reopened". It HURT! It hurts a lot more for a child who doesn't understand anything that is going on except that it will hurt - a lot. And fear makes one tense up, causing more pain, which in turn causes more psychological fear when one has to repeat that procedure in six months. I can tell you: the lollypop afterwards didn't help the pain I had for days after each visit.

Talking about it in the blog does help some; I guess that is a benefit of sharing.

I also keep thinking about how Yeshua / Jesus faced His fear. He prayed. One can argue that He faced a LOT more pain at the time, but that is no excuse not to pray. The only reason I can think for not praying is pride. I try to take the burden on my shoulders by myself - even when I don't have to.

Many forgot how very HUMAN my Brother was when He corporeally lived among us. The same psychological fear and dread played upon His mind. Did it make it worse for Him too? Did His muscles clench even before the first lash or the first touch of cool steel of the nail? Did that make it hurt more? Or was He able to summon enough calmness of mind - some Peace from God - that helped Him to relax His body just before the pain hits? Was He able in some way to move His mind away from the pain - even for a brief moment?

What was it like for Him to completely trust God to the degree He did? I am His sister, as we all are his brothers and sisters. Can I trust God as completely? Can I focus on God and forget the fear?

I know I will still face pain and the unknown; it is part of life here. But by casting off fear, it will lessen pain. I believe trusting God does this. Can my faith be as strong as His?...

Lights in the Darkness

Today I got some spare time to decorate the offices at work. When I was done, darkness had fallen outside and I could see the electric Christmas lights reflecting merrily in the blackened windows. It reminded me of a exclamation I heard many years ago: "In this time of such darkness - there are so many LIGHTS!"

As we draw closer to Christmas Day, we also draw closer to the solstice. Here in the north, the days have been getting shorter; I head to work before sunrise and sunset is before 4:30 in the afternoon now, so it's dark heading home. But the closer we get to the darkest time of the year, more and more people hang Christmas lights. 

Trees are aglow outside and seen through windows. Lights are strung on bushes, windowpanes and doorways. Little lights flicker in paper bags along driveways and walkways. As one popular song reports: "Even stoplight blink a bright red and green."

While we enter into the darkest part of the year, we do our part to make it a little brighter - a little merrier. When we face other dark times - personally, as a community, as a country or globally - I pray we remember what we do during these seasonal periods of darkness, and do the same: SHARE OUR LIGHT!

My Sister, My Bride

When I began an interesting journey to discover what I truly am, the original intent of the journey was to learn how to be a better person. How not to lie, how to be more loving/giving to fellow human beings. I had wandered away on a dance the ego had led me from the Light I had know in childhood. It was dark, I was growing more and more unhappy with life, and I had maxed out all my credit cards trying to find joy or at least some relief from unhappiness.

Raised Catholic, I have been Christian all my life, so when I finally had that "forehead slapping I need to wake up" realization, I turned to Christ again. The first real passages from the Bible I was led to read over with new eyes was not from the New Testament. It was a section in the Old Testament: The Song of Songs or Song of Solomon. Definitely not what I expected and there I found a phrase that is repeated over and over: "My Sister, My Bride."

The teachings I was raised on brought two alarms to mind. One was incest; if your sister is your bride that means you are committing incest. The other was the Catholic teachings that, "This is Christ speaking to the Church, His Bride." This has nothing to do with me personally.

Or did it?
.

My mind rebelled initially at the thought that I am either Sister or Bride. How could I be? All that I had know of myself at that time was what the ego told me I was. I was still asleep, but being called to wake up.

Since then, I have accepted the part of Sister. There are times when I am not as vigilant as I need to be. The ego slips in and babbles to me. You make yourself too great! You are believing a lie and will be cast into the flames of hell/damnation. The one you call Brother will meet you at your time of death and say, "I never knew you." It creates a great deal of fear and anxiety.
.

But there is now another part inside me. Whether this part is my own spirit or the Spirit which Christ told his followers will come to help us, I cannot say for certain. There may even be some aspect where they are one in the same. After all, that which is within me is an extension of God, which is exactly how I picture the Holy Spirit of the Trinity. But at the same time, that which is truly me is also an extension of God. This is the part of me that is awakening.... and teaching as it remembers.
.

When I think with my "right mind" I understand and now believe wholeheartedly I am Christ's sister. Some have even tested that by arguing with me. But there is no combative response in this. I do not have to fight to keep it. It simply is. This makes me believe this is truly of the spirit and not of the ego that fights for what it wants. There is peace, not anxiety or fear. There is only fear when I wonder if I am NOT His Sister.

So that leads to the next step in the line of reasoning. What does it mean? What am I?
.

For one, I am NOT greater than any others. What is true for me is true for all humanity - any time or place. Nor do I pull my Brother from His position at God's right hand to bring Him down to my level. If anything Christ pulls us up to be with Him.

So, in the first aspect, I am not see any others greater or lesser than myself - the opposite of what the ego teaches us. What about Christ? I will admit, I still see Him as greater than I am. But we are growing closer. I am very much His little sister, looking up to my elder Brother with Love, admiration and adoration. I want to be just like Him. He is my inspiration, my teacher and friend. All the things an elder Brother should be.
.

What about the second part of the phrase? "My Bride." That is in me too. There is still many questions. The only thing I have come to know for certain is that I do NOT know what the Bride really is. What is the Bride's role (other than loving the bridegroom)? Who is the Bride? Is it just one person? Is it all people? Is it the church? Is it a collection of people? Is it a city (such as Jerusalem)?
.

I AM the Bride; I do not know what I am though. That is the purpose for this blog. I continue to learn...

Live to Die to Become What I Was

Live to die to become what I was: that's more than a mouthful; that's a brainteaser. This is one of the things I have learned and has slowly sunk in over the last few years.

To Live: I must stay within this existence a while more. It is a place of suffering at times, but can also be a place of joy. More importantly it is a place of learning. That is why I am here now; I need to learn. Living within this form teaches me. Living among others shows me the connections; we are all part of each other. Living this life while learning shows me how the false teachings of this existence can be undone - in myself and in others. While I am still a student; I am also to be a teacher, like my Brother. But because I am not "all knowing" in this world - even when I can be a know-it-all at times - there are things I must learn to do to die.

To Die: That which I believed I was, I am not. That which believes it is me, is not. That which my mind sometimes fights against, I am. That which is not me, yet insists that it is me, fighting that which is actually me, must die. Before I start sounding like a patient in a psycho ward, I speak of the ego here. There can often be discord inside me, as there exists in every human being. 

A part of me that is often identified as the ego, lives by the rules of this world: One must destroy before one is destroyed; one is either greater or lesser than another and to desire greatness is key; "greatness" is a form of security; if one does not have everything one sees and desires, one is a failure ~ surround yourself with luxury and everything will make you happy (until the next new toy comes out). This is the world's song within us and every time we do not live this song, the ego makes us anxious and unhappy. It tells us happiness is only found if we keep feeding it power, greatness and material wealth. As many can tell us over countless ages and around the world; money does not buy happiness. That is a lie we all must contend with and strive against every day.

The other part of me, I don't have a word to describe it accurately. For the time being "spirit" will do, though that falls short.

To Become What I Was: I have read many accounts of creation. Some say God breathed life into man, giving us the breath of life. Some say the universe began with a bang, a clap or a vibration. Some say creation was done through a Word - which is essentially a thought given life through Divine breath conveyed by a vibration through time and space. In the beginning the Word was with God and the Word is God.

In short, God creates through extension. There is a part of God that extends and becomes something else, yet there is no account that any part of Creation has broken from God, except perhaps the story of Adam & Eve. But if you follow the full account, the mistakes (sins) that Adam & Eve has done was reversed - for all time - through the Crucifixion / Resurrection.

So those - both before and after Christ's corporeal time in this existence - are still connected to God or extensions of God. This is what I was, what I am and what I will be. I am not the only one. This is what EVERYONE is. It is only because this world teaches us differently and the ego fights this thought that we ourselves do not believe this. Does this mean I am God. Certainly not! I am God's daughter, though. An extension of God that has been given many things including to the freedom to believe and act as though I am not what I am. That is when I associate with the ego and this world.

But I am not at Peace nor am I happy unless I shift my mind to the spiritual part of me that tells me that this world will pass away, this world is only here to teach us what we truly are. The ego too will pass away; it will die. I need to shift my perspective to see through another set of eyes to be what I really am. I need to let the ego die - though it fights to live with vindictiveness - and exist as I always was, what I am, what I will be.

When my mind joins with the ego, I am Eve cast out of Paradise. When my mind separates from the ego and is one with the spirit, I am back in the loving arms of God who has never let me go.

Dreams Awakening

While I sleep, my dreams are quite lucid; I often remember much from them. While not every night, but often enough, I have dreams where I am learning something. Or my line of thinking is being changed / corrected.

Sometimes this leads to some conflict in the days following the dream. I doubt. I question. I worry. I fret. What was the source of the dream? Was it Divine? Was it my ego working in my subconsciousness? Was it something that tries to "lead me down the wrong path?"
.

I have come to know there is much that I have been taught that is not true. I need to unlearn some things in order to learn something properly. But at the same time, as an adult I cannot help but step back and evaluate something to make sure I am not being gullible or just plain wishful about some things. 

I have discovered - though admittedly have not been able to practice all that well or consistently - that emotions can be an ally when doubts come to my mind about what is to be believed and where I need to lay my faith.
.

If I am fearful, if I feel torn, if I am worried or anxious, then where I have placed my faith is not on sure ground: it is false. If I am at peace, if I am calm and confident - especially when I do not understand something completely - then I am on the right path.

May I never forget this tool that is in my hand, especially when thoughts fluctuate in this learning process. Faith while living in this world can be difficult. 

Seek the calm peace; find the way back home...

Give and Receive

There is something I am still trying to learn: to receive. It's been something that my ears have picked up several times today, as though it's a message I really need to hear. To learn.

Since I was a young child I would constantly give - my stuff, my time, my help. Even when I have very little in this world, I still give and do without much. Forget iPad's and the latest HD flatscreen TV; I still have a dual dial TV and record player at home. While I do get a tad jealous when I see others enjoying that which is beyond my budget, I also remember there are those with far less than I have. I have food each day, I have a roof over my head, heat in the winter and hot water for showers.

But then I face a particular dilemma with my family each Christmas. Unlike my own financial status, the rest of my family has done well. They are not millionaires, but they are all certainly upper class. For example, my mother criticizes me about my vehicle. It's a Jeep that I purchased in 1998. It still runs, and it's PAID for even if she needs repairs and has rust spots. I wonder sometimes if they get embarrassed when I come to visit and the rusty old Jeep is parked next to the Lincoln Towncar or Volvo or BMW. We live completely different lifestyles. 

When my family asks for a wish list, I give them a list (including website links) of food banks and charities I wish I could donate more too, especially in this economy when government and private funding of Public TV, food banks and charities are getting slashed. My family snubs the list and keeps insisting that there must be SOMEthing I want for myself.

There is joy in giving, I know. When I refuse to let another give, I deny them that joy. If I refuse help, even when I can use it, I am refusing another the opportunity for others to let Christ work through them. I am - and have been for so many years - focused on helping others, giving to others, that I do not let anyone help me, or give something to me. We are meant to help each other. I am denying others that opportunity. Why? Could it just have been something as silly and stupid as ... pride?

I think so. I earn money, I pay my own rent, I buy all that I need and do without the rest. I give to others, but when others want to give to me, I stubbornly put before them a list of all the others in this world who have even less than I. While I told myself again and again that it's because I want to help others, maybe it's because I'm too proud to accept help myself? 

On the other hand, I am also wary of materialism. I would like a new wool blanket and feather pillows that aren't so flat: things that are luxury items in my budget but can be easily afforded by others. Where does one draw the line? Would I become swept up in the sparkles of other niceties that I do not need? How about a new cell phone - or even a smart phone so I can figure out what all those squares are about? What about an iPad that I admire. How about a nice house with a bit of land? ... Next thing I know, I'll be surrounded by all the nice stuff, credit cards will be maxed out and I will barely make minimum payments, barely covering the interest. There will be nothing left to help others....

I am still torn by this. Where do I lay aside pride and let others help me, and where do I look at what advertisers are trying to sell me and say "I don't need it"? Yes, I need to set aside pride. But I still don't know how to avoid the other aspect. ...

Is there some way I can open up opportunity where someone can help me that would not feed materialism? There is such a drive inside me to help the people - feed them, provide shelters, healthcare, even some comforts - like warm chocolate chip cookies fresh from the oven. I wish I knew of a way to share that with my family and others. I don't need the fancy flatscreen TV; I need to see more people feeding the hungry and not shoving aside the needs of others in this world.

I'm not saying it's bad to have nice things, I just personally do not want them. Not when there is still suffering in this world, when people are without clean drinking water, when elderly have to make a decision between their medication and food. These are real. These are sad. I need to find a way to explain to those in my life that THAT is what I truly desire. Not the gadgets and gifts they wish to shower me with year after year.
.

How do I do that though...?

Ups and Downs

This morning I stopped on the way to work at Dunkin' Donuts in one of the more "prestigious" neighborhoods. On the way out, a woman was heading in. I habitually stepped to one side to clear the doorway, half-expecting her to come barging through. Instead, she also stepped back out of the doorway and held the door open for me to walk through. I glanced up to her face and saw only kindness there.

Even if she was in a hurry, there was time for civility and respect for a fellow human, even one who was dressed far shabbier than her.

When I arrived at work shortly thereafter, I spied a co-worker unlocking the front door; she was the first one in this morning. She didn't see me approach as I approach from the sidewalk and not from the parking lot in the opposite direction. Just before my hand hits the doorknob, I hear the "click" of the lock being manually set from the inside. I dig out my keys and unlock the door. She saw me enter and apologized for re-locking it behind her; she was afraid to be in the building alone without the door locked - just to be safe.  I used to do that too. 

How much have we come to fear each other in this world? How much do we expect the worst in people? How much does our perspective of what harms we envision become self-fulfilling when we treat each other as though they were going to behave in certain ways, even when we genuinely hope for the opposite? 

We are interconnected. What we send out - how we think about others - really does have an affect. I must strive to focus on the positive, not the negative. They are a part of me and I am a part of them.

Christmas Angels

Like yesterday, this isn't what I originally planned for today's blog post. But do you know what? I'm just gonna let this ride and see where it takes me. That's part of what this blog is about. So today, I share with you a video I made that was inspired by Angel and Angel Return from Transiberian Orchestra. The later half is better, so I hope you watch it through both songs.

There is something great inside human hearts. It can be seen if only we seek it... and show it. In this season of Joy, let us let that part of us shine, especially in the darkest time.

Banker's Blessing

This morning, I had a completely different plan on what to write for today. Then I had a smile moment today and I want to share that instead.

While I was at the local bank depositing checks for the company, the teller that was helping me spied an elderly man walking in the door. She flagged him and called over for him to have a seat and she'll be right there to help him.

In response to my questioning look, she whispered to me in confidence that today was the old man's birthday. They knew he wasn't otherwise celebrating it and the tellers had collectively planned a surprise for him.

It often is the little things in life that makes living worthwhile. Seeing others genuinely care for others in these ways always brings me a smile.

Intro

I don't know if anyone will read this. This has been started merely in an attempt to gather scattered thoughts, try to understand exactly who and what I AM.

The first post is usually one that introduces the author. You'll get to know me soon enough. While a picture is worth a thousand words, I've posted a series on the right side of the blog page to scroll through. My journey has started but reaches no end.

Where I go, you will go too; we journey on this path together.