Strange Winter

Thinking back to last year, we had one bad winter. We did not see any snow until Dec. 26th (2010), but then it kept coming. By February, we had already seen 82 inches (2.08 meters) of snow. Though New England sees it's share of snow, it's a remarkable, record-shattering year for snowfall in the southern part of New England. Even dedicated snow-lovers, like myself, were desperate to see it melt by late March. We worried what the 2011-2012 winter would bring...

In August, we had a Hurricane roll up the eastern US seaboard. We lost power for four days; others in our area lost power up to 12 days. We also had to keep listening to the radio as they were evacuating people along the Connecticut River. We were just outside that evacuation area. Unfortunately those in Vermont upriver from us were not so fortunate; whole towns were isolated when the bridges and roads washed away. One down disappeared completely, washed down stream and passing us on the river's way to Long Island Sound before it met the Atlantic. You could stand near the river banks and find debris pressed against the tree-trunks well past the river's original borders...

 

Then we had our first - and history-making earliest - Nor'Easter at the end of October. After a day of howling wings, we awoke to a world blanketed with early snowfall. When you compare this shot with the previous one, it does not look bad at all.

In truth it was very little to shovel, comparatively. The true level of destruction isn't visible. It looks like a clear, beautiful day following a light snowfall. 

You don't realize that gardens were still growing, fall peas were on the vines, leaves were still in the trees, many were only starting to change from summer green to the myriad golds, reds and oranges of autumn colors.

To the left is a shot of the morning glory, blackening on the vine. Confused flowers were pushing through the snow to greet the sun for the last time...

All around us was destruction. All through the prior day, we heard horrific snapping and cracking of large tree branches breaking and crashing down. Mighty oaks, elms and maple trees were broken.

The weight of even this amount of snowfall on limbs full of leaves were too much to bear.

 

Smaller trees were completely crushed. It was as if some giant had reached down in the night and crushed them. Others just seemed to peel apart like a banana.

Trees crashed down everywhere - on houses, on cars, bringing down miles and miles of power lines and phone lines. Blocking every single road - great and small.

 

With roads blocked, utility companies could not get to the power lines. With power lines down, road crews could not clean up the tree branches. With both, the snow plows were completely useless. With only three inches (76 mm) of snow, the entire state ground to a standstill.

Instead of having no electricity of four days, this time we were without it for eight days - over a week. In some places, they did not get power back for THREE WEEKS - nearly a month without electricity. Not only was this an inconvenience; this was dangerous. Without electricity, most have no heat, many have no water - hot or cold! Shelters were set up - once the roads were cleared to get to them. We stayed overnight at home, with candles and LOTS of wool blankets. But I still had to make my way to the shelter for a shower.

Businesses struggled. Most found ways to continue via generator powered wi-fi and cell phones. Then the cell towers began to fail; the battery back-ups on the towers only last a few days.

Another issue was the shortage of gasoline. A few gas stations had acquired generators following the hurricane's outage. But there was no access into the state to get their tanks resupplied. Many were only open less than two days before they were run dry. People needed gas to drive to the shelters. People needed gas for the generators and chain saws. Work crews needed it for their snow removal, tree removal and power line repair trucks and equipment. The state had to make a decision in some areas to ration gas.

We - obviously - survived this storm too. Things returned to normal. Christmas was very quiet though. Only a fraction of the people put out holiday decorations and lights - both personal and public areas. So Christmas seemed a bit darker. Everyone wondered... what will happen next....

It's now the beginning of February. There are still many trees with broken branches hanging in their limbs, dried leaves still fluttering from the dead branches. But we have not had any other snowstorm since then. In fact, we only had a dusting twice that disappeared within an hour of sunrise the next morning..

The trees are bare; the ground is frozen - somewhat. But this is not what one pictures January in New England to appear. Yet this is our January, even our December. No snow. This may lead to a dry spell as we will not have our snow melt in the spring and the frozen ground does not absorb the rainfall.

For the most part, our January has been practically amazing! We've had beautiful sunshine in a time when we mostly see cloudy skies, snowfall and perpetual gloom. This past week, temperatures have been in the 40's'F - even 50's' F (10'C). Our normal daytime high temperature this time of year is 20'F (-6'C). 

Each evening, there are many people out walking at sunset. Kids are playing outside without a jacket. There is no snow on the ground; there are no plants blooming, though it feels like late March now. Even the ground that was frozen in December has become soft and pliant. Grass has started to grow again.

I do not know what the rest of winter will bring. Today is Groundhog's Day. There is a small mammal that allegedly predicts if spring is here now or if we will see eight more weeks of winter. As fun as the tradition is, I don't hold much stock in it's predictions.

Like many things in life, we can prepare for the worst, and smile in joyous surprise when we are provided the best. Or we can believe all will be well and get hit with several feet (meters) of snow in late April. It has happened before. 

Anything is possible with God; and God does indeed touch this world of ours. Who knows what will come this year. 2012 can be one of destruction or one of major blessings.

Look to the light - for that is where Hope always resides.

Blog Pictures

While the pictures down the right side of my blog were specifically chosen and placed in a particular order, I have never presented what each means to me. I will take some time to do so now.

Don't give up. There are days I need this reminder. There are still days of tears, days of frustration, days of confusion. I can't give up. Pari (God) never gives up on me, for (S)He believes in me. Yeshua / Jesus also believes in me. He went through this life too, with tears and frustrations... Pari helps me as (S)He helped Him, whispering, "Please don't give up; I'm still working in you..."

Call to the Bride: The Bridegroom casts His nets, calling for the Bride. Purple nets represent both royalty and passion of His love. The roses represent the beauty He sees in the Bride, even when she does not see it herself. Three roses, a reflection of the Trinity. But also the fact that the Bride is NOT one person, but many - all of us in fact, as one. Christ's hand seems to touch an invisible wall. There is a barrier between Him and the Bride right now. But because His Love extends past it, it is only a matter of time before the Bride and Bridegroom will be together.

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Faint Stirrings: At the beginning, the Bride can only hear faint stirrings. She does not know where it comes from, nor what it means. She can not understand at this point, but she has this feeling deep inside that someone is calling her name.

In Dreams: While I've had many inspirational moments in life, starting in 2006, I started to have many dreams with Yeshua in them. Since then, I have learned quite a bit and have grown much closer to Him. The two doves in the image is the Holy Spirit connecting us, teaching me. There are also several images of the sleeper; like the roses, the Bride is not one individual, but many as One.

Wait For Me: Those three words echoed in my soul when I first saw this picture. The timing of when the Bride and Bridegroom reunite is not up to me. Nor the Son. The Father chooses the timing. I need to be ready. I need to wait. Patience is important.

There are many things that draw me to this picture. It illustrates feeling safe in His arms. There is a shawl on the woman's head, a part of His Jewish culture of the time. There is also the look on Christ's face. Sometimes He appears to be at Peace, holding His Bride close. Other times He appears to be concentrating on something of which the Bride seems aware. A few times, He appears to scowl at her too...

Searching For Her Beloved: The Bride is aware of being drawn by the Bridegroom, and learns much through religion rather than relationship. She has decided to make a devoted attempt at being Bride, but her understanding of who and what the Bride is, is very limited. Christ seems so distant, high on a pedestal and all but unapproachable. Worthy of praise, prayers and songs, but not one would share a cup of coffee or join for a long walk to share a sunset.

The Bride Spirit: The Bride is shown who and what the Bride really is. It's not the Church, it's not just one person. There is something beyond what she was taught in this world. In this image, the Bride views the Spirit of the Bridegroom, or the Holy Spirit is teaching her. Or she is shown the beauty that exists within her... the beauty the Bridegroom sees when He looks upon her.

Beyond Images: The Bride finally accept who she is and sees the Bride in her own reflection and in the faces of all those around her. She will also starts to recognize that what she believed was reality may not be as real as it seems. That there is a larger existence beyond that which she knows.

The Spirit Within: The Bride begins to release her ego to let the Holy Spirit fill her. The Spirit will continue to teach her, to guide her and further open her heart and mind. With the Spirit's guidance, the Bride will be ready when the Bridegroom returns for her.

Getting Closer: The Bride is able to connect with the Bridegroom more easily. She will hear and see Him outside of dreams. She will see His work through others in her life. There is still a distance between them, but it's shorter than before. The reality of His approach dawns in her mind; her lamp is in hand. It's lit, but the flame is still small. It will grow in time.

Studies: The Bride continues to learn; the Bridegroom draws even closer. She sees His work all around her now. Not just in her life, but in all lives. Her light grows stronger. She is starting to grow in confidence of who she is.

Bride's Role: The Bride's role is not the image on the left, the image she was taught in religious education. She is not the proud Bride that stands aloof and holds herself apart when there is a cry for help. The one the Bridegroom seeks is the one on the right, that turns from her own climb to help those who need assistance to get to where she is. She refuses to let anyone go unaided where she can help, even if it delays her own journey. If she doesn't arrive with all, she would not arrive at all.

Bride Watch: The Bride is aware how close the Bridegroom is. She is aware of Him in her daily life, not just in prayers and praise. Her thoughts include Him several times a day. Like a woman in a new love relationship, she smiles every time she thinks of Him. Her love and their relationship grow stronger, day by day.

Heart's Touch: The Bride thinks about the Bridegroom and includes Him in every aspect of her life. Christ's Spirit is with her always, working through her as He draws her even closer. The Bride no longer thinks of her individual self but is always extended outward to and including others.

Awareness Extended: The Bride continues to reach out to others beyond her individual self. She tells eagerly shares Bridegroom's Love for others. There is a confidence that she has not had before.

Assistance: As the Bride learns and grows, the Bridegroom is ever at her side, always ready to sustain and help in any way she needs on the journey.

Bride Warrior: There is a point when the Bride believes she needs to fight for the Bridegroom. She believes she needs to use force, beguilement and violence to convert others to see the Bridegroom as she does. This is a dark period for the Bride as she is led astray even while she believes she is doing the right thing. She forgets that (s)he who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. Yet this is about life, not death.

So she gives up the sword, relinquishing all attack thoughts for the sake of her beloved Bridegroom. This period is also reflected in the Song of Songs; the Bridegroom will approach then draw away from the waiting Bride...

The Singing Bride: Forgoing the sword, the Bride turns to Song. Her heart sings of the Bridegroom's Love and she sings it to the world. As she sings, the world around her brightens.

Bride's Redemption: Because the world does not want to hear what she sings, the Bride will likewise experience some persecution. But that will not dim her Song, but cause her to embrace it jubilantly. It is then that the Bride receives full redemption. All of her past mistakes are forgiven in a blaze of God's Glory.

Freedom: The Bride experiences the reality beyond the reality she initially perceived. Her eyes are truly opening to what she only caught hints of before. The Holy Spirit within leads her to the next level and the glory of the universe expands in her mind..

Bridge of Destiny: The Bride finds the bridge between Heaven and Earth. Waiting for her is her beloved Bridegroom.

All and One: As the Bride arrives, she realizes she did not come alone. All of humanity is with her now; all become One. It is dark with the past at first, but grows brighter quickly...

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Preparations Done: While the Bridegroom was away, He prepared a place for her to live.

Return to Innocence: A simple loving touch returns the Bride to the state in which God created her, young, perfect: a child ready to learn and grow in God's Light and Love. The darkness of the past is forever gone. She becomes innocent.

The Wedding Feast: Bride and Bridegroom are joined. Brother and Sister are united. They become as One and Heaven rejoices!

Final Union: Just as the Bride is the union of all Humanity. The joining of the Bride and Bridegroom brings Humanity back to God. They are joined as One - for all time. The Bridegroom presents all He is and all He has to the Bride without restriction, without strings, without hesitation. The Bride realizes this is what He has been offering all along, and gives Him all that she is... running into His arms. Forever.

Alternatives

This is more a footnote from the last post. While I had believed the missionary trip was only one week, I was thinking of out-of-the-box alternatives so I could contribute in some way.

For example, I could not go to Dallas, just meet up with the group in New York City and find my own transportation. They could even forgo the cost of food and sleeping area, as I could pack my own and stay with family just outside the city.

One idea that I may still try: I could work directly with Metro Ministries separate from the trip. I could go down before the mission trip to help set things up for the incoming missionaries. Or be there on certain days (easy commute from where I live for a day trip) when they needed an extra set of hands for setting up the carnival and other events. Or cleanup.

An idea that came to me yesterday afternoon, after I realized I could not do two-weeks. Metro Ministries teaches kids by presenting plays on broad sidewalks. While not too unlike the Morality Plays that once swept Europe in the Middle through Victorian ages, they have a simple play presenting the concepts of Christ, temptation and redemption.
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I contacted the Global Expeditions group by email this morning, asking the rep to forward this idea: I write stories with some moral lesson embedded inside. I can rewrite the stories in the form of a play. Maybe they can use them. The story I gave as an example was The Lion's Estate.

Maybe this is a way I can help...

Thinking outside the box.

Mission Trip

Last Friday, I received a call from a representative of Global Expeditions to see if I was interested in a mission trip to my old stomping grounds: New York City. It's a trip coordinating efforts of K-Love Radio & Metro Ministries of NYC. I had sent in an application last year, right before my little brother died in April; I had to tell them "Not this year," when they called last year.

This year, they called asking if I wanted to be a Team Leader. There are 26-30 missionaries per trip, 6-8 missionary leaders and two team leaders (one male, one female). I later learned that the missionaries are all teenagers (13-18 years old); mission leaders are college aged. I'm 42 years old, old enough to be their mother, maybe even grandma... They want me to lead a mission when I have never - EVER - been on a mission trip before. All I kept thinking was that I was "Unqualified."

I talked it over with my husband as well as someone I trust on Twitter. It was pointed out that I DO have the experience. I'm a Director of Operations at work, I've coordinated volunteers at fur-fandom conferences that were up to several thousand attendees. I managed children's activities within the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism). The list goes on, as far back as my training in 4-H at 16 years old as a CIT (Counselor in Training). So I do have experience.

It was also pointed out that if God was calling me for missionary work, I was ready. Period. What I needed would be provided - even the funds...
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That was the other thing I balked about - the price tag that comes with missionary work: $1,650 (US), not counting an additional $1,000 or more in airfare and transportation costs to/from Dallas for orientation. The funny thing is New York City is comparatively in my back yard, I can either drive 2 hours or take the commuter train down to it.

That and $1,650 is a lot of money for us, it's one month's rent. Since I had no raise four years in a row, while rent, food, and cost of living kept going up, we barely break even each month. Even if we only pay for essentials, it would take 16-1/2 months to save up for the trip. We don't have cable/satellite TV, new technology, like a smart phone (or even cell phone) or flat-screen TV. We still watch movies on a VCR (video tapes) and my husband still has a working 8-track tape player. Granted, we have both CD's and vinyl records and a few DVD's. We're not THAT far behind... But we joke that if someone ever broke into our apartment to rob us, they would LEAVE stuff because they felt sorry for us. For example, the TV in the bedroom is dual dial (UHF/VHF), purchased before the remote control was invented and still uses rabbit ears antenna, as does the TV in the living room.

Sigh.

I know I shouldn't gripe that I don't have the latest-and-greatest when so many don't have a regular meal or a place to call home. But sometimes I do get bitter that I see others have so much more. I go into a rant when I cannot get a sale price at a store because I don't have a cell phone that reads those digital squares. Envy creeps up each time I hear DJ's on K-Love (Christian radio station) discuss all the latest apps on their new iPhones...or when they discuss watching the Superbowl on a large flat screen TV. The newest TV I have has a green blotch near the middle and was inherited when my grandmother passed away 15 years ago... I don't know how old it is, but unlike the other, this one does have a remote control.

It can be frustrating, first because I feel unfairly left behind, then I feel guilt/remorse because I let myself go through a bout of technology envy, especially when I cannot forget that I have a roof over my head, I have food (even if from the stale/old racks at the back of the store), I have a working vehicle (even if it's 15 years old, rusting and has no working radio).

There are so many with so much less. The missionary trip idea was to reach out to those with less.. But I may not have enough to do so. Ironic, isn't it?

The third issue with the trip was the length of time. I thought it was a week long, but it's a two-week period. I can swing one-week vacation. I may even negotiate one week without internet access to get emails remotely for work. But I cannot leave work undone for 2 weeks. The half-a-month work stoppage would cripple the company. There are only two of us, and the boss cannot even fold a UPS carton by himself. He proved this the day he called - twice - while I was giving the eulogy at my father's wake. Yes, just to ask how to fold a UPS box.

I am sorry this is a bitter and sour post. For some reason I am in a bitter and sour mood today. Maybe it's the stomach flu and feeling feverish. But I think something else is bothering me, but I cannot seem to put my finger on it. That's likely why I turned back to this blog today.

I'm searching for answers...

Restart

Well, I was on a roll, but it appears I've stumbled to silence again. Once again, I pick myself up and try again.

For some reason, I can't seem to stay on a roll. I started studying the "A Course in Miracles" book again, now I missed reading it for the past two days. I start and stop my tweets on Twitter. I STILL owe Spreading Joy the book I promised, and never seem to get around to working on polishing it for the final edition.

Now, I have a choice. I can look at the past and let it hold me back, or let it go and start over - right now - and move forward. I choose the later.

Praise Reports

Following prayers, sometimes - though not often - I get praise reports. These are when someone reveals how a prayer was answered. Usually this is from some pastor who has requested prayers for another; sometimes by the person privately. As I stated in my last blogpost, even when I "feel" which way a prayer will be answered, there is always doubt in my mind.

Thus I will say nothing to the person other than " I am praying for you."
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When I received a praise report where they called it "praise report" for the first time. I had a jumble of emotions. First, I was glad; it was good news. Then I racked my mind to see if it matched the "feeling" I may have had when I prayed for that particular request. Honestly, I could not remember. Then part of me argued boastfully, "I do not need to see these praise reports. If God wants me to know, I know. I know Pari hears all my prayers; that is sufficient!"

But another part of me - a part that was being more honest than boastful quietly countered this. "No. I do need them. There is still a great deal of doubt in me. I need these praise reports as witnesses. I need some confirmation for the part of me that deals in THIS life existence to see. I need witnesses to testify that Pari does hear me, and that He does answer prayers."
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It is a bitter pill for the pride in me to swallow, but it is the plain truth. It's a part of being human.

Prayers

When someone asks me to pray, I do so ~ often on the spot. 

Unlike some, I do not raise my hands that pray aloud or use fancy words. Growing up, no one around me did that. At Catholic Mass we said the same prayers week-after-week, the same responses to the point of memorization. Even when we (rarely) said the blessing before the meals, it was a memorized prayer. But I have seen other Christians "pray over someone" or "invoke the Holy Spirit" to action. Some of these prayers - though not many - sound like they are barking orders to God.

*Shudder* I don't know if I will ever become comfortable with that. 

Then there are ones that I have heard pray aloud - humbly - and ask for Pari's (God's) help. Reverently. These are shining stars to me. Not often, but sometimes I can feel another praying likewise silently in their heart, like soft, warm air flowing gently outward from them.

When I pray, for myself or for another, mostly it is silent. There are times I pray aloud, in song, in communal prayers, or shared prayers such as at meals with my husband, where we sometimes add things to the blessing, such as "please help those outside on such a cold night tonight." 

When I pray for another, I take the time apart whatever I am doing and ... extend my thoughts to Pari. Then I reach out toward the person who asked for the prayer. Often I can feel some aspect of the person: vague emotions, such as fear, desperation, sadness, worry, flickering hope... It's not like I read minds; I just feel some small connection with the person. Then I pray with them, for them, to Pari, asking for help. Usually I request something specific, but I always ask that Pari's Will be done.

I know that sometimes that means the person is not going to get what (s)he wants. Sometimes there is something better in not getting what we want. I ask also that Pari reach out to the person, give Hope, give Comfort, give Patience, give Courage... whatever is needed in that moment. Sometimes it is also a matter of Pari reaching out to the people around that person, working through them and helping them as well. It is not easy for a parent of a young child to stand beside a hospital bed not knowing if their offspring will take another breath...Or if the bills will be paid.... Or if they will never see someone they love deeply again... Or that they can get through any number of life's trials... 

So many prayers needed...

When I pray, sometimes, but not as often as I would hope to have, I can tell which way the answer will fall. Sometimes there is an immediate ... "feeling" (for lack of a better word) ... that the prayer HAS been answered. The person will get better; the teenager will come back home, the feeling of Hope will return, whatever the case may be... I just get this feeling that it has been accomplished.

Sometimes there is the opposite; it will not come to pass as requested, yet Pari will be with them and others to help them through this time in life. At times I will be aware of Yeshua (Jesus) reaching toward their hearts.

Most times, though, when I pray, I get no response at all, save "fax transmitted successfully..." to use a contemporary analogy. I do not know the outcome, but I know with certainty that Pari has heard me.

I have also come to realize, without any doubts, that prayers do work outside of time. We understand things in a linear manner. For example, if there's a need, we hear about, pray about it and it's then the prayer is answered. Well, Pari is outside of time. So the prayer may be accomplished even before there is a need. Or we can pray after the answer has been witnessed, and our prayers will be heard and acted upon. So these things may not occur in the order we understand them. Thus if I receive a prayer request from several days ago, I still pray then. God works outside of time to answer it.

Freak out Follow Up

Normally I am a calm, friendly person; then once in a while I start freaking out. Yesterday was apparently one of those days. Lesson for day: Don't ask Pari (God) for something unless you mean it. I guess that is two-fold. The first is that something different happened when I asked, "What is Your will?" The second was this simple request.

If I am truly being guided, I pray Pari sends me some reassurances.

That was at the bottom of yesterday's blogpost. I received the reassurances - in spades.

Starting with the long-winded comment sent following the Blessed Be tweet, I received this response:

..i must be doing good if f i inspire flow, just so You know.. thank you so.. Blessed for Your Kind Attention.. Jah Love, ma friend ;***>

I looked up "Jah Love" this morning. Originally I thought it was a typo or something; apparently it's a shortening of "Jehovah" (a.k.a. God, Yahweh, the Father, Abba, and Pari).

Then I also received a message from the woman to whom I sent the video link:

I'm sorry I took so long to view! You really blessed me with this, life can seem so CRAZY at times,cause this isn't home.Much love & thanks! I so appreciate your loving heart, God used you to reach out to me just when I needed it! So look forward to meeting you in heaven...Linda

Two-for-two. Now here is the response from the one I sent the blog link too, both Twitter response and lengthy comment:

I posted a comment to your blog. I followed your blog as well. I really like your poems :) Absoloutely Beautiful

Thank You :)
You have a blessed insightful way about you. You have been blessed with the gift of discernment.
It is obvious that your loving & caring ways are from a heart & mind that has been graced by the knowledge & wisdom of the Holy Spirit.
Every emotion has it's season; even anger. Yes, anger is a dangerous emotion; one that needs to be reined in to never let it become out-of-control. Sometimes that is easier said than done. Paul tells us that we must bring every thought into captivity.
When someone has enemies it is not always because that person has made the choose (whether consciously or not) to hate. Enemies are often times made to be enemies by thier declaration. Anger can be used for survival, to not lose heart in the battle. Not anger towards a person or enemy but anger at the injustice; in order to correct the social injustices which you so eloquently speak of.
God Bless you sister & thank you.
Peace be with you,
Steve

If this wasn't enough, the tweet sent to me that caught my eye before starting this blog post mentioned angels again, from a different person...

The angel of the Lord guards all who fear him & he rescues them~Ps 34

As this blog is not directly connect to my Twitter account, like my other blog, there is no way these people are following up on yesterday's post.

That only leaves one other option open; Pari was letting me know it's OK.

So I raise my little white flag. I give up. I give in. 

I will follow where Pari leads.

Running Scared

It's been suggested that I ask Pari (God), "What is your will?" at the start of the day or whenever I feel troubled with life's distractions. I've tried this the last two days and it has left me quite frightened and second-guess a lot of what I am doing.

Let me take a couple of steps back. Yesterday morning, among my tweets was a response to someone who ended their tweet to me with "BlessedBe." I do have Wiccans among my friends so I understood what it was, a kind greeting not too different than "Shalom" and "Aloha." So I wanted to tweet something along the lines of that greeting and this just rolled out of me:

Blessed Be, my friend, all of your days.
Blessed Be, dear one; may Light guide all of your ways. :D

Dear one? I don't even call my husband, "Dear one." Where did that come from. Right after typing it, i realized something reached through me, with Love, to send that message to the recipient. While I understand Pari as both male and female, I guess my mindset is still very rooted in Christianity. Has some aspect of Pari, this "Goddess," just tapped me while I was typing that tweet? 

Shaken by that, and quite busy at work, I cut my twitter usage short and stepped away. In the evening, I resumed, trying to keep that particular tweet from my mind. In the second run I felt a strong desire to share a particular video with another. She had often mentioned that she cannot wait to be in Christ's arms. So I sent a link to the video for one of my favorite songs, Mark Schultz' "Back In His Arms Again."

♫ I believe that He never let you go. ♫ I believe that He's wanting you to know..♫
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gLFPpOCORs0 ♫ (M. Schultz)

The recipient replied right away saying that she will listen to it right after dinner. That was last night I haven't heard back from her since then...

This morning, there was a response to a tweet that mentioned Forgiveness.

Forgiveness in my heart towards my enemies, yes; with Love & a Pure Heart.

Forgiveness in court for their crimes, no. #Justice

I tried hard to focus on work this morning after reading that, but what I ended up doing, after  I paused to pray for guidance a few times, was writing a lengthy post for my other blog. I think the title: Forgiveness & Fight, needs to be changed, but I read over the blog numerous times. It stands pretty much as written here.

Then I spent the rest of my day worrying about that!

I usually avoid political  / social commentary. I am actually quite shy and for me to stand there and say things that will quite easily upset readers - then SEND it to someone via DM on Twitter, plus post it to my Twitter account... What am I doing???

Late this afternoon, a friend sent me this by Twitter's private message (DM):

Angels Walk Among Us. You Can Recognize them By the Light in Their Eyes :0)

What is that about? I didn't mention anything about angels in either the stories I sent her nor any recent tweets. Is she hinting that she thinks I'm an angel? I'm NOT! I'm human! Just like everyone else. Or is she hinting that she's one? She also tweeted to me, but something along the lines of "creative people."

I'm afraid to ask her about it in my current mindset. I've already made a mess of things as you can see below...

I'm scared. Quite frightened. I fear loosing friends, followers, making enemies, yes I know this is the ego. It feeds on this fear and hope to have a "nice reputation" in this world. I know I am called to step away from this world's spotlight. Fine. I'll sit quietly then.

But somehow I wonder if "quiet" is part of Pari's plan for me...

I asked for help; I asked to be guided to do God's Will. Why am I so frightened then?????

I actually semi-backpedaled on two of the strange things above. As I have not heard from any of the recipients, I thought to "smooth over any ruffled feathers" or ease some bad feelings. All I really wanted to do was share smiles and blessings. Not attack. Some have seen my tweet as an attack in the past...

So to the woman whom I sent the video, I sent the  private message:

I hope sending you that song was OK. It's one of my favorites & came to 

mind w/your tweets re: being in His arms. Wanted to share it w/you. 

Then I really lost my nerve and started yabbering away like an idiot to the one I sent the Blessed Be tweet to:

Hi. I hope sending you that last tweet @ you was OK. It rolled from /
thru my heart as typed. I only meant to send you blessings.

Having Wiccan friends, I understand the greeting 

"Blessed Be", but that tweet just... rolled out of me. 

What I'm dancing around is this. While I am not anythings special, 

something reached thru me, with Love, toward you in that tweet...

I don't even call my husband "dear one" & it's kinda frightening me. 

I hope it did not upset or estrange U.I just meant to send U blessing.

YIKES! What is WRONG with me. Trying to "fix" things is only making it worse. :(  I'm going to leave it as that. The blogpost... I'll sleep on it. But fear is making me do all sorts of stupid things today. 

If I am truly being guided, I pray Pari sends me some reassurances. 

I'm scared stupid right now. 

I know I shouldn't be...

But I really don't know what to do. Go with the flow or play by "normal" rules in this life...

Lessons in Listening

Yesterday we drove out to my in-laws for New Year's Day. We took my husband's old mini-van, which - like my Jeep - has no working radio. So we filled the long drive with conversation. Part of that conversation, I wish to share here.

At one point, he changed topics and out of the blue says, "You know when you were praying the other day at your mother's, I went in and touched you on the shoulder. It was different than when I touch others when they pray or meditate. Usually there is a sense of peace. There was no peace in you."

I responded, "Well, that was right after I listened to a lengthy tirade from my mother (who spent a great deal of time griping about her neighbors, friends, family members and others), and I was struggling to get some of that negativity out of me."

He added that when I was praying, I was curled up in a ball. "Most people when they pray or meditate are open. You were closed, cutting off the world. When one is in an open posture, you are open to the universe and all that is in it, including other people. God IS the universe. But you were curled in a ball, cutting off everything. You were struggling, but you were also closed."

I was silent a moment, not sure how to respond and, instead of letting it sink in, I started to reply with how I was struggling to find some Peace after my mom's tirade. But that even sounded lame in my ears. Who was I fooling? No one apparently. He was right, I was cutting off everything, curling into my shell and hiding. Trying to struggle with the negativity by myself even while I prayed for help.

Where I had fallen silent, he added, "There is nothing wrong with what you have done. Turning to God in prayer and meditation is the right thing to do. But there may have been a better way to do it. That's all. While bowing your head low and being humble before God is a good thing, you also need to be open to God. Sometimes that means straightening your posture and raising your head, letting God flow into you and through you. Picture the lotus position some meditate in."

There was nothing I could do but agree with this. His words were right. But there was also resistance in me. Who did my husband think he is? Why is he taking a smarter-than-me stance?

Why did I not see until later that those questions - that resistance - was from my own petty ego? 

Pari (God) works through me; Pari works through him too. Pari's Spirit (the Holy Ghost / Holy Spirit) works through everyone, helping us - and helping others through us - learn and grow. We are supposed to help each other; this is part of Pari's Plan.

I really need to learn to listen more and set my ego aside. Things would be much better in the end if I set aside "me" and listened to Pari's Wisdom when I encounter it.

Death Dreams

Rarest of all my dream categories are death dreams. This is what started this urge to blog today. I had a death dream just prior to waking this morning.

Death Dreams are exactly what it sounds like, I die in the dream. I believe I have now had two dreams where this has happened. It usually starts out as a normal Everyday Dream and something happens where I die. Then the dream-self becomes aware I have died and it kinda turns into a Learning Dream, but there is no corporeal sensation.

To save time and space, I will not go over all the details of this dream. But toward the end of this dream... I was walking along the back edge of my mother's backyard, though it was far larger than it is in this existence. But, as I said, my dream-self has different memories and it seemed correct. Along the border where there is in this existence a wooden fence between her and a neighbor's backyard, there was no such fence. So I could see into her yard through the tree trunks. This is no surprise, as my mother spent a good deal of our visit griping over the trees in that neighbor's year and how she's forever picking up branches, twigs and leaves from the neighbor's trees. This is typical of the Everyday Dream where my mind is working over experiences in this existence.

Then, in the dream, I spied a off-white dog; what appeared to be part-husky, part-samoyed and quite large. It was odd in that it had near-fluorescent orange highlights in patterns on its face and chest - almost pretty against the off-white fur. The dog was in a tiny chain-link fence enclosure, that seemed absurdly short as it only stopped just over the dog's head. I shrugged it off and continued along the back edge of the yard.

Something in the dream ... changed. I could see it ripple across the dream.

The dog growled low and became even larger, hoping easily over the fence toward me. Realizing this had changed to a Learning Dream, I focused my mind to calmness and benevolence and offered the dog my hand (palm downwards as I've been recently taught) and let it sniff me. The dog seemed more wolf than dog, similar to my friend's part-wolf samoyed. So I kept eye contact and backed away slowly, calmly and showed no fear. The dog seemed content and walked away back to its yard.

I turned and continued down the side of my mom's house toward the front where my husband, niece and mother were waiting for me as we had some more work to do in the garage. When I was about three-quarters of the way to the front of the house, there was a growl from behind me. The dog was back, now practically fully wolf except for the bright orange markings. It's head was low and it's teeth bared.

I heard my husband shout for me to run, which is what we're not supposed to do, but.. I tried to run. My legs moved as though I was in thick molasses. All my strength amounted to miniscule movements. I was too slow! The wolf caught up with me. Paws hit my back and through me to the ground as I turned to look over my left shoulder.

It was too late; the wolf had me by the throat from behind. There was no pain. There was no fear. Yeshua was standing before me with His hand extended. I grasped it and stood up, realizing something felt different. He told me I had died. I went to turn around to see if I cold see my body and He placed a restraining arm across my shoulders, insisting that I don't look. I got the impression that the wolf had eaten my face; I wasn't going to see that.

But I was for certain dead. There was no corporal sensations. It was calm and Peaceful. I realized I only had a few moments. I opened my mom's front door and went to leave her something in parting. I could see the wide terrified eyes of my husband, mom and niece as the door opened "on it's own." I was saddened that I didn't / couldn't say goodbye.

I woke up.

Alive.