Nesting Dreams

Nesting dreams often accompany Learning Dreams, though sometimes they also have a lesson of their own to teach.

Nesting Dreams are those where I wake up from one dream and find myself in another dream. This can be just once or through a whole series of dreams.

In the dreams where I am aware I am dreaming, I can wake myself up. ... usually. But sometimes I wake up and find myself in another dream. There are many times near the end of the nesting dream line where I am waking up in the same room that I have gone to bed. This can either be my own bedroom, a room at a friend's or family's home where I am spending the night, or even a hotel room of which I've only experienced a few hours for the first time before I close my eyes to sleep.

When I "wake up" into these dreams, I have the half-asleep sensation at first, similar to when I wake up into life's existence. I look about my surroundings and realize "something is not right." If this were a movie, the "uh-oh something is wrong" music would cue. I have learned to recognize these dreams as they occur far too often now. The first thing I do is locate the clock and read the time. Then I lie there and study my surroundings trying to see "what is different."

Often in these dreams I am attacked.

I've had them as long as I can remember - from very early childhood. In the early childhood ones, it was a child's mind that worked it's way through this. I was lying in my early childhood bed, my sister was asleep in her crib in the room. The door was open to the hall, yet the closet door was shut. In walks this doberman pincher. My father had taught me to extend my hand for the dog to smell it to know I am a friend. Still lying in the bed, I flop my arm out, hand open. The dog trots over to my bed, sniffs my hand and bites it - hard. I wake up terrified.

Starting in college, the dog no longer frightened me. There was something much worse. It's in the darkest part of the room, usually the closet if that door is open - thank you childhood spooky stories! The attacker has no form, it is just ... darkness.

I remember one poignantly from a college ski trip. I had a nesting dream when I woke up from another dream into this dream; I noticed it was 4:00 am by the red-lighted digital clock on the nightstand between the two bunk beds. I was on the upper bunk bed beside the wall; my three roommates were all asleep in their bunks. The closet door was open; the darkness was in the closet. It was waiting.

At this point of my life, I feared the darkness, knowing it would attack me. I knew if I kept my gaze on it; it would watch me and not move. It was a waiting game. The minutes would tick by until I made a decision to do something. Even if I shut my eyes the "presence" is felt, and icy sweat of fear covered my body as I curled up in a ball under the covers. At last the wait was too much for me and I would challenge it along the lines of "come on!" It would lunge at me. I had learned to turn away, roll over, and I felt it's icy touch as it swept over me, just past me. Then I woke up into this life's existence. I noticed the time was 4:07 AM. As I said, I'm not patient.

It is always as though the clock in the dream matches the clock in this life, regardless where I am, what time this dream happens, or how long I wait.

Over the years, I became a bit braver and faced it down. That was when I discovered the darkness would go right through me - body, spirit and soul. It was COLD, colder than anything I have ever experienced in this life's existence. I felt it slide through me and out the other side. Then I would wake up.

Until it attacks, I am stuck in that dream; nothing I would do would wake me up. I've even tried to get my husband to wake me up. I've tried to call to him; I've tried to move my sleeping limbs to kick him awake so he would wake me up. Nothing. This may be what it's like for people in a coma. There is an awareness, but nothing you do can make your body wake up to respond to those outside the dream.
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Even times when I wake up from these dreams do not guarantee I wake up to this life's existence. Sometimes I wake up into yet another dream and have to go through it again.
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Since 2007, I've not only become braver, I've faced the darkness a different way. I think this may have started right after a particular ... eventful dream. I had fallen asleep in the living room, resting on a pile of pillows and blankets on the floor (my husband snores like a grizzly and our couch is a tiny sofa). In the dream, I had a bad Everyday Dream and woke myself up - into a true nightmare. I was on the floor in the living room. The security light outside shown through the blinds. I wasn't the only one in the room. Just beyond my feet, beside the couch, a demon - fully visible and beyond description, was there. He was reaching toward me with clawed hands, trying to grasp hold of me, but in vain. He was struggling against some practically-unseen golden light / force / energy. He was screaming at me, angry and frustrated, in a language I had not heard before but understood it as no language of this earth.
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I was petrified. This was beyond the icy sweat trickling down my back; this was the I can't even blink let alone move a muscle fear. While my eyes were on this horrific visage, my mind numb with shock. I just couldn't process what was going on; my mind didn't work. But after several long moments I finally realized someone else was there.
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Yeshua had his arms wrapped around me; He was lying there beside me the whole time. He kept repeating over-and-over the Lord's Prayer. It was recited in English. I could clearly hear the words with my ears; often He just spoke to my mind in the dreams but my ears were registering it long before my mind was able to register anything.
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When my mind finally found enough Peace, I realized Yeshua's repetition of the Lord's Prayer was keeping this demon at bay. I started to pray with Him. While it started out as a hoarse whisper, my own prayers gained volume, strength and confidence. When I was confident enough, Yeshua smiled at me, squeezed me one more reassuring hug and faded from my sight. I felt Him still with me and within me. His recitation was still clear in my mind, but no longer in my ears.
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I realized in that moment then, I had nothing to fear from the demon before me. I was safe. I woke up in the room. All was the same as in the dream, except the demon was gone.
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Now, the nesting dreams are a test of how well I deal with fear. Sometimes there's a darkness, but often it is this "something not right feeling." My mind goes to work and I use what I have learned in the Learning Dreams to dissipate this fear. Again, there are times when I have a "do it again" routine, where I wake up from a Nesting Dream into another Nesting Dream and I practice again. Different fears come to mind; I learn how to overcome them.
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Since I have reached this point in my learning, however, I feel more confident and less fearful in this life's existence.
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One last point I wish to make in this category: a lesson beyond facing the fear. Perhaps, just perhaps, this life's existence - what we all call RL or "real life" - is itself nothing more than a dream. When a great sleep was put upon Adam to make Eve's from his rib, there is nothing stating Adam woke up. Also, there are numerous times in traditional and gnostic gospels when Christ says "wake up!" to others. If I awaken from one dream to the Nesting Dreams, could this not be a dream which we all share?

Learning Dreams

The next in my litany of dream categories is one that I've been getting more and more often since 2007.

Learning Dreams are where I am not only aware I am dreaming; there is no dream-self. There is only my own mind. While I probably could start flying, similar to the fun dreams, there is usually some guide or at least a strong impression of one, that I've come to think of as the Holy Spirit. Much like a teacher in a classroom, the guide directs me through these exercises where I do different things. Often it is a matter of focusing my mind, or at least better disciplining it.

Yeshua/Jesus is often my guide / teacher / mentor in these dreams. I enjoy having Him there tremendously. He is a good teacher; He can put things into my perspective. But I also need to understand when I need to let go of my perspective when it gets in the way. He is patient; far more patient than I am, including with myself. I try to get it done right the first time and quickly. Sadly, not everything works "in a New York minute." :P

He is loving. I can see it in His eyes, I can feel it when He touches my mind and/or spirit. He also has a sense of humor. He laughs with me. Sometimes he gently teases me too, as big Brother is entitled to do. But when He teases He is either showing me the folly of my thinking, teaching me not to be so serious about something so insignificant, or just benevolently sharing the humor in the situation at that moment, getting me to smile and giggle too. He enjoys seeing us smile...


Part of the learning is tied into the Nesting Dreams that I will discuss next.

Visitor Dreams

As I continue this monologue of dream categories, I would like to start this post by distinguishing something stated in the last post. While I do dream "everyday dreams" with people who are no longer in my life, I have become aware of the difference between my brain working out life's experiences and actual visits while I am asleep.

Visitor Dreams are distinguished essentially by the fact that my dream-self becomes aware - very aware - that I am dreaming and the person is really THERE, contacting me through my dreams. This may entail speaking with people who have died, or speaking with those whom I've never met in this existence yet somehow we know each other.
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These include ones where Yeshua/Jesus visits my dreams too. Though He also plays a major part in the Learning Dreams as well. But I will side-track here a moment to share a beautiful memory of one of the non-learning dreams.

My dream self was in some building that my current mind does not recognize, but my dream self was both familiar and comfortable being there. It was a cross between an events hall and a church. The ceiling was high, it was dimly lit, though there were dusty sunlight streamers coming from the upper windows across the air near the ceiling. The room encompassed much of the building and was cross shaped, much like many of the old cathedrals I've visited. The doors were also at the "foot" and ends of the "arms" of the cross. While there were some wooden benches, similar to pews, they were pushed back against the walls, leaving much of the room open.

While large and open, it bustled with people and activity. In the dream, I am one of the people coordinating the work going on in the room, as well as actively engaged in the work itself. I believe we were sorting and folding clothing that was going to be brought to the local homeless shelter.

I initially spied Yeshua the widest part of the room, where the "arms" of the cross extended. He was bending over the random piles, neatly folding and setting the clothing down in one of the sorted piles, much like many of the others in the room. He was dressed in sandals, simple white robe with a sash, though my dream-self didn't think this was strange. It was the same impression I have when I see other volunteers dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt.

So I bent back to my work and picked up the next item in the unsorted pile at my feet. Then it blossomed in my mind. "That was HIM!" I looked up quickly, dropping the article of clothing in my hand. He looked up my way, smiled and nodded as if He read my thoughts.
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I ran - literally RAN - to him and wrapped my arms around Him, over His shoulders in a strong hug. He swept me up into His arms and spun me around as though I were no more than a little girl who had just run into her big brother's arms. Then He held me close in a big, comforting hug. It was remarkable! It was fantastic! It WAS Him! It was real!

Every fiber of my being screamed this. I could never - ever - dismiss it as just a dream. Tears stream down my face as I recall that beautiful moment.

Then He set me back on my feet, kissed my cheek, smiled at me, and - sadly - sent me on my way. Back to the work, on to another dream, back to this existence. I have more to learn, more to do. But He is there, with me.

I've had other dreams with Yeshua visiting; I've had other visitors as well, including both my deceased father (who asked me to help my mom take care of the house) and my brother. The most recent with my little brother (who passed away last April) I believe was the last one from him. We had said our farewells to each other. My dad still pops up from time to time.

I've had a cusp-of-a-dream experience with visitors too. One time while visiting friends in Pennsylvania, I had a dream where it was like a conversation with visitors in a fog. I could not see, but it wasn't complete, inky black darkness. There was light, just nothing to see; similar to bright lights in a really dense fog or white-out conditions in a blizzard. This was a two-part dream, happening over two nights.

The first night, I had contact with someone who claimed to be Michael. He said he was close by. While he didn't outright say he was an angel, there were hints at it. I awoke in the borrowed bed sitting upright with my hand extended out, feeling like I just got dumped back into my body.

The second night was like the first, except Michael introduced me to a friend. The friends name sounded to me like Ariel. I asked: "Ariel, like the little mermaid." The friend seemed to emanate feelings akin to seeing a sour face, while Michel laughed good-naturally and replied, "No, NOT like the mermaid." I awoke the second night in a similar pose as the first.

That Monday, I was chatting with a friend of mine in Texas. He said he had just been contacted by Archangel Michael, and another... named Uriel.

"Uriel?" my mind asked, "Like Ariel? But not like the mermaid..."

My friend also mentioned about both angels being in Pennsylvania, though my friend didn't know I had just visited there that weekend.  

I don't know if the pair that contacted my friend were the same that reached me in Pennsylvania. I still wonder if that was another type of visit after all. Angelic or not, someone touched my mind those two nights.

Rarely, I am also visited by Pari (God). Though these encounters shake me to my foundations and scare the crap out of me. Not while I am in the dream, but right afterwards when I wake up and realize Who I have just had a real encounter with, my mind reels. They are probably rare because of this strong reaction. My mind in this life's existence does not seem to be ready for such a contact. Pari doesn't want to scare me. Sometimes my Learning Dreams are geared toward changing my mindset so these are not so frightening...

Everyday Dreams

I continue in my discussion of the various categories in which I list my dreams. Thus far I have mentioned deja-dreams and fun dreams. Here I discuss:

Everyday Dreams: These are dreams where the brain works out events that happen during the day, what I've observed (either real life, movies, books, etc.), conversations I've had, things I've learned, and so on. These usually occur at the start of my sleep and may carry on through the night until I get up in the morning. Or they can change as early as the second dream.

When I was younger, this was the majority of my dreams with a spattering of deja-dreams. Now it occurs as less than half of my dreams.
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From what I've heard and read, these are the types of dreams everyone has. They can be good or bad. There is no flying save by airline; there are no mental abilities. It is simply as I would experience life in this existence, except I do not realize I am dreaming. 

There is no observer-self; only the dream self and all is experienced through that self's awareness, thoughts, memories, and knowledge. Interesting to note though, the dream-self's mind differs from what's in my head when I set it onto the pillow that night. Sometimes it's minor changes - such as the color of a favorite sweater; sometimes it's major - such as I forgot my dad died six years ago as I'm having a conversation with him at a family gathering.

These I generally consider simply as my brain is trying to "debrief" or reconcile all that I experience in this life - day by day or over time.

Fun Dreams

As I said in my prior post, I've decided to start recording my dreams, but first I wanted to share how I classify them. In the prior post, I described my deja-dreams. The "fun dreams" are similar in some aspects.

Fun Dreams: At some point near the start of the dream, I realize I am dreaming. The dream-self and the observer-self at this point, however, are the same. I just become aware I am dreaming. Then the fun begins.

I can fly in these dreams. I simply focus on the awareness of my body and mentally ... "lift / pull myself up." Once my feet have left the ground I can find and ride the currents, similar to a gliding hawk, or I can mentally propel myself through the air in a particular direction, similar to a jet ... err without the "gas" propulsion one may see in a comedy. :P

Sometimes I shape shift. In these dreams, the body is only what I think of it. I can run through the snowy woods on four paws like the timber wolf, or flap my wings like an eagle. I can run through the open fields like a wild mustang with the sun warming my back, or shift to become a pegasus where my wings propel me toward the clouds. (Yes, I do enjoy flying in these dreams).

I can also just "grow" wings from my back to take on the commonly envisioned images of an angel to fly. Though I would like to note my concepts of angels have moved from what I've been shown in books as a child to something different: a being of pure light and love that reflects/extends Pari's (God's) Light and Love. Sometimes the battle angles may have the impression one is looking upon a column of white fire. But in general, like I do in my dreams, they can take on the image of something simply by thought.

Though, that isn't far from what I see humanity as either - beings of light and love, extensions (Children) of God. We just wear flesh for a time to experience this existence, to learn and grow. That which goes beyond the grave is what we truly are: our spirits, our souls. 

Deja-Dreams

It just occurred to me as I woke up this morning that this would be an excellent resource to start recording some of my dreams. In general, I have very lucid dreams. Often I can not only recall most of them upon waking (even hours or days later) but I can also tell - at times - that I am dreaming while I am in the dream. I've come to categorize my dreams. I will start with deja-dream here and post the others separately.

Deja-Dream: There will be dreams that I am aware that I am dreaming. There is also an added understanding / "feeling" that I will see the events / experiences unfolding around me in the future. This isn't a prophetic dream, per se, just what will happen in my personal life. These can involve everyday events (work, home, travel), conversations with people I either know or will know at that point in time, or things I observe around me at the moment. There have been no life-changing, earth-shaking events when I receive a "deja vu" that matches a previous "deja dream." 

While I have the awareness of the deja-dream, I try my best to focus on all the details: what I see, what I hear, what I smell, what I touch, what I taste, my thoughts... Well, thoughts are interesting. In these dreams there is what I call my "dream self" which has all the awareness, thoughts, memories, knowledge that I will hold at that point in the future. Then there is my "observer self" that holds all the awareness, thoughts, memories, knowledge that I went to bed with that night. There are differences and I try to pin-point as many differences as possible. Some of the major differences are location, people, events (personal to global) that had occurred just prior to the moment in which I experience the deja-vu. In other words, I guess I'm reading my own future mind.

I don't always figure out all the differences. For example, I have dreamed of "homes" that I have not lived in yet. Or workplaces where I have yet to work. Or have conversations with people whom I have yet to meet. Strangely, though it is not until I reach the actual "deja vu" moment that I make the connection. Then my awake / observer self sits back and goes, "Ah! So THAT is the place / person / event that I wondered about."

God works outside of time; it should not seem strange that His/Her children should be able to also.

I Love You

Interesting how three little words can make such a difference. When I was raised, "I love you" was reserved for two people romantically involved, and usually only in intimate moments. Yet, there was love all around: parents, siblings, children, grandparents, grandchildren, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins, friends, close coworkers, even strangers that one helps.

Yet rarely did one say, "I love you" outside of romance.
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This holiday, I ran into many who have had a rough year, some - including myself - have even lost people dear to their hearts. As we exchanged handshakes, hugs and holiday greetings, I heard over-and-over another greeting as well: "I love you."

It felt strange; it felt good. It's hard to describe the complex feelings. It's good hearing one is loved; the reassurance is needed when life throws ugly things our way. It's good saying it to dear friends and family; we may not get the chance to say it again. Yet, it was so against the grain of how I was raised.
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Why?

We should express our love. Yes, actions do speak louder than words; our behavior and actions should clearly state we love the person. But sometimes, life overwhelms our senses and we do not readily pick up on the body language or notice the kind gestures. Sometimes we really need to hear "I love you."
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So...

I love you.

All.

2012 - the Final Frontier?

There is a great deal of speculation that the world will end next year, or that the apocalypse will happen. I can not say what the year holds; I truly do not know. I know 2011 was rough on many - vast numbers in areas of natural disasters, plus economic problems, changing governments, rise in international tensions, even very personal losses - ranging from home foreclosures to death of loved ones.

In my travels for the holiday, I do not think I have come across one person that didn't have some major loss (whether personal or part of a wide-spread disaster) this past year.
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What will 2012 bring?

Many hope for the end; many believe they will be swept up in a rapture that will protect them from "hell on earth." Countless numbers wait with baited breath to see if my Brother will return and the "evil ones" in our society will "get theirs." Many hope for the end, for death's stillness seems more appealing to them right now than more of what they saw in 2011.

Tribulation is not "the end of the world;" it's a period of change. It can be as violent and traumatic as puberty. Yet, something more mature and a bit wiser rises from that. If we are in a period of "humanity's puberty" there are two things we need to keep in mind:

• We are growing to become something better than we currently are. We have something to learn and need to change as part of it.
• We will continue; this is not the end..

While we enter into the new year, I have actually started to look forward with a positive outlook. I don't know if this will be when my Brother returns. I don't know if I will see the Heavens & Earth dissipate and a new world begin. But I know we are taking some serious - and global - steps toward something new.
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Change can be violent. Change can hurt. We may loose much - both in terms of personal possessions, ideals / goals, and thoughts / understandings. We may loose loved ones in this process too...

Yet, where we go really has a lot to do with our own mindset - each and everyone of us. This is not a "believe in Jesus and you will be saved" speech. This is practical analysis firmly grounded in both psychological and spiritual studies.

The more we are grateful for what we have, the more we value that which truly lasts - friends, family, connections to each other, love, and God. The more we value what lasts, the more positive our outlook becomes. The more positive an outlook we have, the more we can see our blessings and shake off our desires for material things and passing fame this world tries to sell us. The more we free ourselves from the fetters that bind us (a part of the Lord's prayer), the more we can establish further and stronger connections to the Divine and each other. The more we see good things in each other, instead of evil and enemies, the more we help each other become children of God. The more we help each other become children of God, only through mutual work, the more we become what God created us to be.

On the other hand, the more we focus on fear, the more we will fear each other. The more we fear each other, the further we become. The further we become, the less we understand each other. The less we understand each other; the more we see others as our enemy - lines are drawn. The more lines that are drawn, the more wars there will be. The more wars there are, the more people will suffer and die. The more people suffer and die, the more fear rises to our mind. And the viscous cycle repeats itself as the adversary laughs in delight at our misery.

Remember: Only together we achieve something far greater than the sum of our individual efforts; the adversary seeks to divide for that will block us from achieving God's will: being the Children of God.

In 2012, which will we focus on? Each and every mind DOES make a difference, despite the ego telling us we are too small; despite the world telling us we are not enough. We are enough - as long as we believe. God is with us. When we do God's Will; we will not fail, regardless of what we see with our eyes when the world resists the changes to come. 

Daughter of the Celts

I've thought of myself as "Daughter of the Celts" for a while now; at least since High School which was over two decades ago. Apparently, Pari isn't too happy with the self-given title.

It is how I have come to think of myself. I am Daughter of the Celts; my Brother is Descendant of Abraham. I know for certain I don't have any bloodline that runs back to Abraham. He is at home in the hot, dry desert climes of the Holy Land; I am more at home in the cold, white north.
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Yet, I was ... corrected ... I suppose is an appropriate term. I am not to think of myself as "Daughter of the Celts" for that is not just who and what I am. Further, when I think in comparative terms with my Brother, I am drawing lines dividing us instead of erasing them bringing us closer together - as One.

That is what Pari wants in the end; God's children as One.
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So, as a stepping stone I was offered two titles to live up to instead of the self-chosen one: Daughter of the Light; Sister of the King. 

The first reminds me I am Pari's daughter and where my first allegiance and responsibility lies. The second is a reminder that I am kin to my Brother, but I still must follow His guidance.
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There is still much more I need to learn and grow...

...and  time grows short.

Convert!

After writing Home for the Holiday, there has been a word bouncing around my head: Convert. I read a tweet where someone suggested I was trying to convert Jews to Christianity, which I denied. I still stand by what I said: I am not called to "convert." Yet what I should have added: I am called to SHARE!
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One time at a large fair near us, I was curious about a group that had a tent with "Jesus" written in negative (where parts of the outline were in black and the letters were the same color as the background). Above it read a sign: "Can you see what it says?" So I walked up and said I could. They asked three more riddles, giving me the answers, and then I was called into the presence of the woman in the back of the tent. She told me how I was saved by Jesus, how I should now confess all my sins, repent, read the Word and Believe! She read a passage from one of the four main gospels and then had me bow my head while we prayed together for forgiveness. Not once did they ever ask if I believed or was a fellow follower of Christ. And by this point in my life, I had come to identify myself as Yeshua / Jesus' sister.
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Then the woman instructed me to write down something along the lines of: "Thank You, Jesus, for saving me and opening my eyes today." I, being stubborn, wrote down what was in my heart, "Thank You for the opportunity to take a moment from a fair, and turn to You with another in prayer."
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The woman was outraged!
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This was NOT what she wanted to see. She scolded me and said that she wanted me to write it over. She even crumpled it up and tossed it away! I noted the stack of written testimonials she had behind her. I refused and got tossed out of the tent.
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Why didn't I write the words she wanted? My eyes weren't opened that day; I was a Christian already. Or did my eyes open a bit more following that experience?
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What I saw saddened me: sharing the Good News (definition of "Gospel") and Love of my Brother and God had become a ... video game. It was more important to score "points" by counting the number of people you "converted" than it was sharing what we are called to share. Even Atheists use the word "convert" when they convince another to believe as they do.
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In complete honesty, God or Christ does not give a fig what "religion" you are. How we behave, how we treat each other and how we work on our relationship with God gives us our measure in this life.
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Gandhi was a remarkable and noteworthy follower of Christ's teachings; he was also a Hindu! I have no doubt he is sharing the feast with my Brother in Heaven among many others. There are *M*A*N*Y* in Heaven who are not Christian or even monotheistic.
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In addition to our relationships, we are called to share. Yes, we can share the Word, but the actual tool we should use to teach is a far greater one: our example. So many in this world don't get that. They condemn others who do not follow God as the do. They even look down upon others who share their faith when there are differences in practices or traditions.
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It literally breaks my heart!!! I feel pain course through my spirit each time I come across this. Do they truly NOT see what they do????
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We are not God's Judges. Why do we then continue to divide the world along religious lines and insist that if another is not inside our circle; they are to be condemned? The adversary seeks to divide. For only when our efforts are united can humanity achieve far more than the sum of our individual efforts. God seeks to unite us; Christ calls us to be brothers and sisters, to be ONE. Which calling are we following?
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Instead of "converting", we should let God's Love flow through us, showing compassion to another. We should let Christ's Forgiveness flow through us, forgiving each other, where we truly find our own forgiveness. We should let God's Mercy be a light that shines in our actions. We should teach through example...   after all   ....politicians and salespeople use words.
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God is in all religions that teach these things. When the teachings of a religion divide or put their followers above their fellow man outside "the circle," they have become lost sheep. My Brother grieves this. I think this is why there is the scolding of various churches at the beginning of the book of Revelation. They are lost while they try to save.
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A hand in the darkness...
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Yet within each there is God's Light and it still shines if we put aside what we believe things SHOULD be to discover what is really there.

Israel

One of the things that caught my eye this week was a tweet where someone said they, "appreciate any Xtian who supports Israel/Jews."

I have not issue with Jews; I am not antisemitic. I grew up in a Jewish neighborhood and appreciate much about Jewish culture, traditions and holidays; but I cannot say - sadly at all - that I support Israel. Yeshua (Jesus) disagrees with me there...

As I said, this is a place where I can blog some of my innermost thoughts, so I am not doing the public image / politically correct thing here.

I have heard many things the nation of Israel has done that ... disturbs my sense of what is right and just and good: How they keep pushing out their borders, how they treat their neighbors, how they goad the neighbors to violence and then retaliate far beyond what is necessary, growing their Kingdom a bit more. I've even seen peaceful humanitarian aide groups raided and stopped because they were helping someone Israel saw as an enemy.

I have heard how Messianic Jews are treated in Israel, just because they decided to accept my Brother as the promised Messiah...

Yet....

I don't understand it, but...

Yeshua still Loves them. They are still HIS people. So many times have I tried to see things through His eyes, but I still fail.

I rationalized that perhaps my feelings for my own homeland was what He meant. Yes, much of what the US does - especially when our last leader was in office - has been atrocious. It made me embarrassed to call myself an American. Yet, when I see the turnout for help and humanitarian support following devastating storms and natural disasters... then I am PROUD to be an American. Maybe it's that way with Yeshua, I surmised, that He is proud of His people, but disapproves their political actions?

No.

Yeshua has made two things clear to me: Israel is His people; nothing will change that. It is "sad" what they do. If one were to attack Israel, Yeshua would "grieve." If Israel were to attack another, He would be "quite sad." But He will never, ever, turn away from them...

I don't know if He would even protest them public like I've been contemplating joining the Occupy moment here, protesting the unfair tax laws that provide loopholes to the corporations and wealthy and tax the crap out of the lower and middle classes.

I even support Obama's request that Israel goes back to 1967 borders. Interestingly, Yeshua's response to that is "Borders don't matter."

*Sigh*

Maybe this is along the lines of "give to Caesar what is Caesar's..."

Yeshua has tried - though I admit I still fail to grasp - the concept that Israel IS Holy Land. This is a place on Earth where God has pushed through the fabrics of time and space and touched our world. Not just Yeshua's presence (birth, life, death), but countless others. I don't know if this is where others will happen, as some surmise.

That and the Isrealites are His people. They are as much a part of Yeshua as my Celtic roots are a part of me. That's right, not my American heritage, my Celtic heritage. I am not a descendant of Abraham as Yeshua is; I am a Daughter of the Celts. Maybe this is why pagans and neo-pagans don't have me running off screaming or trying desperately to convert them. I see Pari's presence in their beliefs and practices too, as well as Hindu and many others.

As I said, I have tried to see Israel through Yeshua's eyes, but the closest I guess I can come is seeing the pagans and neo-pagans through my eyes. They are my brothers and sisters as much as Christians and anyone else.

That and when Israel, the US or ANY nation or power-group starts to employ tactics that are without love, compassion and mercy... forgive them, pray for them.

We are all children of God.

Holiday Brake

Yes, I mean "brake" and not "break." Last night, I lost the brakes on my old Jeep. Some may curse and gripe that life threw them yet another (and possibly expensive!) problem to take care of -- during the holidays when they were away from home. Last night, I got down on my knees and thanked Pari, my Brother and any of God's workers that helped me yesterday.

My husband and I were picking up a friend of ours who was home-bound and driving to an inexpensive restaurant to meet a group of other friends we haven't seen in a year or more. On the way, I noticed my breaks suddenly went VERY soft, where I needed to press the pedal deeper each time I "tapped" the brakes in the traffic flow.

I didn't know if we were going to make it to the restaurant. Our friend, an elderly woman, was seated in the passenger side beside me. An accident, even a slight one where the airbag would go off in her face, would likely be lethal to her. We were driving after dark on Long Island; New York drivers - including myself - are atrocious as they cut you off suddenly, weave in and out of traffic and travel at LEAST 20 MPH above the speed limit - including local roads.

We decided to avoid the highway and I cruised -- what felt like a "crawl" -- along a main thoroughfare. I left a LOT of space before me, which only encouraged the other drivers to cut in front of me often. I coasted to a slow stop at each traffic light, annoying the drivers behind me.

I had my hand on the emergency brake the whole time. I apparently drive single-handedly quite well.

It didn't occur to me until just now, while I wrote that last sentence, how often I do that with my relationship with Pari. There are times when I fly by life, ignoring the limits even - or at least going "a little" beyond them. Yet, when something happens that I realize there IS real danger out there - I hold on God's Hand as tightly as I held on to that emergency brake. (S)He is there, then and when I cruise with no concerns, just as much as the emergency brake that's been in the Jeep all along.

Needless to say, not only did we make it safely to the restaurant, we also had added blessings. A friend that takes public transit was able to find another ride home, as we could not take her as planned. Because others showed up at the restaurant, unplanned, they were able to take our passenger back to her place too. Plus a friend was able to help us get a tow back to my mother's house, much further than our AAA membership would have gotten us. 

We were grateful for those as well.

Home for the Holiday

It is sad when there are so many dividing lines in the world. When I stumble across the ones in my own life, I sit back and wonder why they are even there. As I have just mentioned to someone on Twitter, while I was raised Christian, I grew up in a Jewish neighborhood. So wishing others a Happy Hanukkah did not seem wrong to me at all... until I was accused of possibly trying to convert them to Christianity.

*Sigh*

The home where I was raised had a Mezuzah beside the door, like every other house in my neighborhood. It was there when we first moved in. When my dad explained what was inside, it reminded me of the words I read in our Old Testament. No biggie - same writing / same God.

While we were one of three families with tree and Christmas lights, in a neighborhood of over 300, I wondered why we didn't have a Menorah glowing in our front window like all the rest. It was explained that we were Christian, not Jewish. That was the first dividing line.

Around our Easter celebration, I actually looked forward to matzo in the supermarket - I used to nibble them row-by-row as a child for a snack. There was also my neighbor's famous matzo ball soup when we sat down to the Passover Seder with them, unless it fell on Easter, at which point we had family gatherings for our holiday that day. Another fine dividing line. 

In December, there were many craft and holiday flea markets held selling goods. My mom was a shop-a-holic. So after-school we were dragged to many different places to attend these events. They were many in the local temples, one at our Catholic school in the gym, and one in a parish hall from a Mormon Church. While I and my siblings towed behind my mother from table to table at these events, I had plenty of time to examine the stuff that hung from the walls. I can't read Hebrew, nor could I then. So I asked my mother about the writing in symbols that looked closer to Chinese in my young eyes than the Greco-Roman letters in which I read/write. She explained they were Hebrew and that is what the Jewish teachings were written in. We don't speak or read it because we were not Jewish. Another dividing line.

When I was still in grade school (where I attended Catholic school from grades 1-8), I received my Confirmation. Friends of ours attended it, even though they were not Christian. We also attended their Bar/Bat Mitzvahs too. In fact, several of our class trips in the later grades were to the temple to learn about Judaism. While I heard rumors that the Hebrew grade school did the same as part of a cooperative program with our Church, the majority of the kids in our area attended public school. They found our ceremonies strange and bizarre while we had some vague notion of what theirs were about. After all, Jesus, the focus of our own religious education, had celebrated Jewish holidays and practiced Jewish customs. But my neighbors understood little about our customs and holidays. Another dividing line.

High school wasn't fun for me; I attended an all-girl Catholic Academy. But unlike grade school, I had to take two school buses. I was picked up by the local high-school bus, that rounded up ALL the high-school children in the area - public, Catholic and Hebrew schools. The majority of the public school kids were Jewish. While there was more than one Catholic high school kids in my town attended, overall, in our neighborhood, we made up less than 10% and had to wear these atrocious uniforms. I believe the Hebrew school had uniforms or a dress-code too, but they were not as glaringly obvious as the plaid skirts, ties and school color blazers and sweaters with the school emblems on them. A very obvious dividing line.

We ALL were dropped off at the public school. Then the public school kids went inside (or at least had to be inside by the first bell). The rest of us stood outside as our second bus would travel from town-to-town picking up the kids for our respective high school. While this may have made sense to some administrator, it was torture for us. We had to wear clothes that distinguished us as "separate" from the others, and we were major targets for bullies, teasing and bad-mouthing both on the bus and at the public high school. Why? Because we were not Jewish. They outnumbered us; we were supposed to always forgive, so they assumed there would be no retaliation as well. We had no other way to get to our school; we had to share the ride on "their" bus. At the public school, we had to stay put while they had the opportunity to walk away when they wanted to. They would ask: Why were we living in the neighborhood anyway? It was a JEWISH neighborhood! Christians were not welcome. Even the local "Y" was a YMHA, not a YMCA.

Why were we there? My father worked hard for a living, went to night school to get a law degree and then worked long hours in "the city" (New York City) to earn a good enough living to have a big house in a nice neighborhood for his family. There was no application indicating what religious affiliation we had to have to buy the house. That would be illegal - this is America, home of religious freedom. Right? The other Christians we knew had homes half the size or smaller. Why could we not live in that neighborhood in a big house for a big family?

In the years to follow, I observed further divisions. It was OK to have friends across that religious line. It may even be acceptable to date across the dividing line, if someone better is not available. But one would never assume it's OK to marry across the dividing line... "Think of the kids; they would be confused," was an argument I heard many times - from both sides of the fence. Yet it's the same God...

*Sigh* That was three to four DECADES ago: over a generation.

I don't hold grudges; I am called not to. What was in the past stays in the past - as it should! Hate and division only begets hate, war and violence. None of which I want.

Times have changed, thankfully for the better. In my lifetime, I have seen a growing acceptance across many lines - race, religious and sexual preferences being predominant. There has become a stronger division in political and income lines in these past few years, though. My heart longs to see these reversed too... 

I followed my mom back to Long Island Monday, as we are visiting with friends and family here this week as part of our holiday travel. On the way we stopped at the local strip mall to pick up a few items. In the large window before me, the local florist had a winter-scape display with a large menorah predominantly at the center with the correct number of candles aglow. Yesterday at the bowling alley as we were heading out the door, I spied the manager turning the bulb to "light" the last candle as sunset dimmed an already rainy afternoon. I am still a Christian and will always be, but these sights made me feel like "home for the holiday" more than I can express, as much as the scent of a freshly decorated Christmas tree.

We are all brothers and sisters in this world. One race, one humanity. Why do we keep dividing ourselves?

One place

One race

Humanity!

God's Will

My last blogpost about Mary is a good stepping stone for this one. When we are asked to do something for God, there will be many doubts. Why me? Why now? Why do this instead of that? Can't God do it alone? Who am I to be asked? This has been a topic my mind has looked at from several different angles and I'd like to share some of my insights here.

For one, God is omniscient; (S)He knows all - past, present and future. God knows what we will do and how well we will do. So if God were to ask someone to do something - great or small - wouldn't God ask the people (S)He knew ahead of time were going to accomplish the task? I believe (S)He would. Thus, there is one rock to stand on when we are asked to do something for God. (S)He KNOWS we will accept it and KNOWS we will accomplish it. Trust in God; believe in yourself. You will succeed.

Then there are the questions.

Why me? Well, well, well... There is that "me" word again. The ego. The ego convinces the human mind that we are a small inconsequential being. The sum of our life is limited to this body from birth to death; there is no more. But the truth of the matter - there is a LOT more. When God looks at us, (S)He looks upon ALL that we are, not just the small part of us that believes it is all of us. Not only is God far greater than we can conceive; so are God's CHILDREN. There is far more to humanity than we allow ourselves to believe. The doubt, the ego, tries to keep us small. Requests from God enlargen our horizon and understanding of what we - humanity - truly is. That is one reason why (S)He asks us to help. Not because God needs it, because WE do.

Why now? God is outside of time, but interacts with us within time as that is how we experience this existence. There are many things at play; innumerable interconnections between all of us in this world. If one remembers the images of the Fates weaving the threads of mankind, they became an integrated spider's web endlessly criss-crossing over the Earth. Timing belongs to God, and should belong to God. (S)He is aware of all and knows all interconnections - past, present and future - within the Now. We are not that aware, yet we tend to try to make things of this world fit our timing, our schedule. If the sun does not shine when we want light, we create a light that will do the job instead. We are children of God, but we have so much more to learn. We need to step back, let go of our will and embrace God's will, for God's timing is always perfect.

Why this way? That is one of the biggest hurdles I've experienced. There is such an overwhelming tendency to do things MY way. In fact, I've also come to realize what a blessing NOT knowing something can be. Because if I did know the end results, where I need to be and what I need to do, I would try to do it MY way, which - because I do NOT see outside of time - more often than not gets things done wrong or even makes it worse. When I don't know, I just have to keep the blindfold on, place my hand in God's and say, "Where are we going now, Pari? How can I help?"

The ego is a small, blind thing; the Spirit within sees and can help us soar to what we truly are.

Mary / Miriam / Maria

While I had a busy day at work yesterday, I found my thoughts turned often to Mary, also known as Miriam & Maria, the mother of Yeshua / Jesus the Christ. What was it like for her? What was it like to hear the angel's message? What was it like to go through nine long months of pregnancy ... wondering? What was is like in the days just before delivering the One who will deliver all?

I have no doubts Mary was quite human, though many worldwide worship her with near-goddess - or even fully goddess - reverence. Queen of Heaven. Mother of God. But in the beginning, she was no greater than you or I.

What was it like for her?

To be called to do something by God is both humbling and awe-inspiring. There is this rush that Wow! I can do something great, but there is also the overwhelming questions: Why me? Why now? Why in this way?

I have never had a pregnancy that lasted to full term, but I have seen many women struggling in the last trimester leading up to the birth. There are backaches, swollen ankles and feet, bloating and an underlying desire to "get it over with" near the very end. I doubt humanity has changed that much in over two-thousand years and Mary likely went through the same. Or did she?

There are some that believe that because she carried God's Son that there was no discomfort, there was no pain in the birthing process, there was only the wonder of God surrounding her. I tend to think differently. She was human. Yeshua came as fully-human too. I am certain that which most women experience in pregnancy, Mary did also.

Then there came the time to travel. Why then of all times?!? As she packed her clothes and the items she needed following the delivery, she did not slide into a comfortable heated car seat after promising her mother that she'll call when she arrived. She had to ride upon a lurching donkey. Her mother and family were far away - several days travel - and there was no means to contact them for comfort when her time came. She must have been terrified.

Yet, I am sure there was also this element of Trust. God started this. God will see her through. It did not mean that there was not worry and fear, it just meant that she would be able to get through it. Like we can too with that same Trust.

At the delivery there was pain and blood, as there is in all human births. Unlike the days of my birth, I have a feeling Joseph wasn't "waiting outside" during the delivery. I believe he was there, holding her hand, mopping her sweating brow, stroking back her matted hair, giving her the strength and courage to get through the delivery. There was Love radiating from them as Yeshua drew his first shaky breath of our air and screamed protest as any newborn child fresh from a mother's womb would do.

Then, once cleaned up and wrapped in swaddling clothes to protect the child - items Mary brought with her in preparation for this moment, there was the bond of mother and child. The first time her eyes saw Him; the first moment she held Him in her arms.

There would be cries of hunger, dirty diapers and scraped knees, seeing him through illness, education and play, disagreements as a teenager, and letting her child grow into a man, but in that first moment, there was finally Peace.

Ghost

Long before I learned much of what I have come to know, I was a believer in ghosts. I watched horror films and spooked myself silly often thereafter. I came to recognize a particular icy chill when there was a strong presence of an unseen spirit. My college roommates and I have witnessed bizarre events ranging from cold spells to objects flying by themselves. No, we did not play with ouija boards or call circles. There's enough bizarre events in New York City without that.

But what I want to discuss more at length is something that just happened - today - right in my work office. It wasn't frightening, but ... moving.

While I was sitting at my desk entering journal entries into Quickbooks, from the list that the accountants gave me for year-end reconciliation, my mind was focused on the data and numbers. There was a chill to my left side. I got up and closed the office door thinking perhaps someone had propped open the front door to the building, letting the chill air flow in.

When I sat back at my desk, I still felt the hollow, damp chill on my left side, as well as an impression that someone were leaning over my chair reading over my shoulder. I realized I may have a visitor, an unseen one.

I did something I had not done before.

I closed my eyes and prayed the Lord's Prayer / Our Father. I focused on each word as I whispered it into air around me. Then I added the following; I have no idea why and no pre-thought to the action.

If there is some lost soul beside me, dear Brother please take his hand and lead him home.

No sooner had I finished saying these words then there was a "whoosh" - best way I can describe the sensation, as if ... some one ... reached through me. I am really flubbing this description. Let me try it step-by-step.

At first there was calm Peace that I get often now when I finish a prayer. Then there was a rippling / moving sensation that felt like an energy current ran from the top of my head through my whole body and reached out beyond my aura to my immediate surroundings. Then, in less than a handful of heartbeats, it reversed. But I experienced it in such a way, my mind remembers how every nerve in my body felt - but it also had a strong sensation to my spirit, as though that too was involved.

The cold sensation was gone immediately with the "upward whoosh." As I sat there in a "WOW, what was THAT?" moment, it felt as though another cold presence moved into the space on my left. By the time I reach this point in writing, there is another presence at my lower belly, lap, knees and toes as though someone is sitting at my feet leaning on my lap.

I don't understand this. I can't explain it. Did something really happen? Did someone - did my Brother - really reach through me? Would it happen again if I prayed again? I don't know.

Part of me is quite hesitant to find out.

But there was no fear in the initial experience. Just that Peace. And more than a touch of wonder.

I trust Yeshua / Jesus.

I trust God.

I close my eyes, I say the prayer and will try again...

Two Rings

While I accept that I am Bride of the Lamb, I do - often - run into a quandary. I am not only the Sister and Bride of Yeshua (Jesus), but I am also another's bride as well. I am already married. I was wed before my calling in 2007. How then, can I give my heart completely to Yeshua AND my husband who has been faithful and true to me since our vows?

I don't want to hurt either and I love both very much.

It is said in Heaven there are no husbands and wives. Christ said that when asked to whom did a woman belong if she were widowed several times in her life.

I see the Truth now, though partially. Though there's a knot in my mind that I still wrestle.

Women belong to no man. Men belong to no women. We belong to each other - everyone to all. We belong to God. Our relationships here are but mere shadows of the interconnections there will be beyond this existence.

In this world, when one belongs to another, it is exclusive - there are jealousies, there is no sharing. When all belong to everyone, there is union and communion - there is Love for all. This is not the "free love" of the 1960's and early 1970's. This is something this world has yet to see. But it is real. It is beyond our petty jealousies and makes little of the need to "own" another.

How does that apply in my life?

Good question.

I actually CAN give myself completely to both my husband and Yeshua. Yeshua's Love does not exclude, but rather INcludes all others. So, in truth, accepting my role as Bride actually brings me closer to my husband as well. It opens my hearts to all others for I am asked to see my Brother in all others. Love all others as I would Love Him. That includes my spouse.

It is only the ego in my mind that argues that my Love for Yeshua is betraying my spouse. It isn't; it can't it's impossible. For any relationship build on Love is found in my relationship with Yeshua.

Yes, any. Parent-child. Brother-sister. Bridegroom-Bride. Husband-Wife. Friend-friend. All.

Two ring fingers have I. Two rings. One Love for all.